Hey...

You ever feel like you're just stuck at the edge of a precipice? And all you need to do is jump and your life can start new? But you can't. You can't jump. You don't know what's holding you back. You think it's fear, or change, fear of change? Who the fuck knows. It's something, and it's killing you. Slowly. Deliberately. And you just keep letting it. Because you're so used to pain and stagnancy that you don't know how to life a life full of adventure and joy.

How do you make that change? Can you even make that change at this stage?

I don't know. I don't know so much, and yet I yearn to be full of the answers. TO put everything in a neat little box. To understand why. It's the ADHD, it's the Autism, it's the trauma.
And it's got a hold on me in a way that makes me so unhappy.
So I made a promise, and sure, I've made those before. But I feel like this time may be different.
A new life, a new career, a new purpose.

(I feel like I'll look back and find I'm still in the same space. But maybe, just maybe, I'll be out of this mess.)






P.S.
Sorry it's been so long.



~ Eva

It Be Like That Sometimes

I don't know. Like is so weird sometimes. You think that the path eventually becomes clear, and then it just drops you off a cliff. And then, because you were the one who decided to take said path, you're expected to just be okay that it dropped you off a cliff. You're not allowed to deal with your injury, because "You need to take responsibility for your life choices." Okay.....sure... and I get that, but come on...

Dealing with pain and loss, and taking that time to grieve is really important. And to be honest, I really haven't taken the time lately to do that. I know that it starts to cause issues in other areas, and then just makes me feel worse about the initial choice(s) that led me to this shitty place to start. But how to you balance grieving and still living your life, and adulting? I can't figure it out. It seems like avoidance works for a small time. But then that habit of avoiding bleeds to everything else.

You know that you need to not, but it's just easier to deal with hypotheticals than the real thing... I guess. Especially now, when I usually anticipate the worst possible outcome vs. something good going right for me. Not to be all 'woe is me', but there was a point when I stopped having joy, even when stuff got hard. I don't know if that's even possible to go back to.


Obvs need more therapy.

"New Year, New Me" Is Bullshit

IDK what inspired me to want to write again. I think someone mentioned something about starting a blog and I was like..."Oh...I have one of those..."
Anyway, it also could be a desire to have thoughts elsewhere on the internet that my Facebook friends don't see. Sounds contradictory I know... Regardless, here I am.

What's new... Looking back on a lot of these posts from college it's clear to see the rampant depression. I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (Type 2) in  January of 2013. I didn't understand why my logical mind would betray me with out of control emotions. As soon as I got medicated, my life changed. I could handle more life problems, and work on betting myself with a clear lens. I was 22 and just starting to discover who I was. I had no idea that was the beginning of a really rough journey. I know most people over the age of 30 say that they would never want to re-live their 20's again. And I totally get it now. I went through a horribly abusive relationship, lost people I considered my closest friends, and moved to the city I'd dreamed of living in as a child. I learned to deal with horrid anxiety, and that alone I consider a win. I found ME. I loved who I was, and for the first time in almost 25 years, I was happy and confident. I didn't think things would change.

Then I met Sam in June of 2015. I didn't know when we first met, that this was something good. I'd been battle worn from sport dating through the city, and had tailored my likes and dislikes like a fine tuned machine. I, as a well knows cynic was swept off my feet. I proposed a year later. Yeah, I know....me.
He changed my mind about marriage, and commitment, something I never thought would happen.

I got a big girl job that actually paid me to live. (Actually way more...like....WAAAAAYYY more.)
We got a puppy, Sam got a job with me, and we have our first apartment together.
I still fight my own Bipolar demons, but so does Sam, and I know that he gets it.

So I look back at my early 20s, the fair-weathered friends, the shitty job and living situations, the lack of real honest to god love. And I would never, ever, want to re-live that again.




~ Eva

I Have Excuses And They Are Lame

I don't even know what to say...


It's been almost a year since I last wrote. And I feel so guilty for neglecting you.

I had a low moment tonight and I thought, "What did I always do in the past that made me less anxious...?"


Writing was it.

So...here I am. I always say that so much has happened and changed. Move, job, love, friends.
Same as last entry I guess, I mean I don't have hardly any of the friends that I used to. No my choice sadly, theirs.
You know I always used to think that something was wrong with me, and that's why people left. I now know that I put trust and faith in weak people who are easily swayed by their own emotions and by others around them. Yet, why did I choose them in the first place? Were they people that I thought were stronger than me, and that I could rely on? Were they people I believed were genuinely loyal? I don't know... I wish I did.

I've only two really good friends remaining, Jaimie and Andrew. And without them, I'd be very alone.
Alone on the friend front that is, I still have my sister, and my brother, and my boyfriend.
Yeah, I know. Who'd have thought that I'd settle down, yet find someone who'd want to date me, and even love me for all that I am.
Effing dumb luck. That's all it is. No more. The right one did eventually come along. There were no games. I knew from the beginning that he was here for me. I didn't lose any friends over him. And best of all, I finally knew what it was to just to love, and be loved in return. The greatest thing.

So while I'm still low sometimes, I can get out of the bed I share with this man I love, and write.
I can forget about work, and my own psychosis, and just type.

I miss being creative, I miss painting, I miss making music. I miss living. I miss.....it all.
So I'm trying to do that again.

At 2:30 a.m.
Hey, you gotta start sometime.






~ Eva

...

Sometimes...



~ Eva

Her

I fallen behind, I know. My apologies. My life got crazy, and now it's time to settle back into writing again.
Where should I begin.... again.....
Eff.
So............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Just this, I have found love.
And let me tell you.
She is amazing.

I've become more me, by being with her.

And for that I am happy.

5EVA

It feels like forever. Or more accentuate 5eva. Since it's longer than forever. Ahh, I've been so very busy. SO much has happened, and I feel guilty for not writing sooner. Where to start...

Well, I got rid of a lot of the drama and negativity in my life. I have learned so much about friendship and relationships in the last year. I no longer associate with people that I once considered to be my best friends. It was tough at first, because this was all their choice and not mine. But it doesn't matter if you've had a friendship for 20 years, or 2, if those friends make you feel unwanted, unloved, of bad about yourself, they shouldn't even be in your life. Plain and simple. I've also found some really great people who have been there for me through thick and thin, they never let our relationship change, even when life and their relationships happen, and change. Those are the true gems. I am so lucky to have them.

I have moved. I'm working in the city, so it's easier for me to commute. I got a roommate too. AND HE'S AWESOME. It's interesting living people again. I mean, I don't know what I expected. People are more nice than I thought, Maybe I've been around bad people. I don't know. SO nice to have positive loving people in my life right now.

Oh, I also got called out about “passive aggressive posting about people”. I know who the two people that only read this blog to check up on my life. To that I say, if you want to know about my life, ask. I post what I want, when I want, because guess what? It's my blog. Has been since I was 16. Nothing is going to change about what I write. I don't get paid to write and hide the way I feel. Quite the opposite. SO instead of saying 'fuck you', because I'm better than that, I suggest maybe don't be so atrocious that I feel compelled to write about your actions to me? You know, just a suggestion.

Haha, that's it. All the other stuff, I'll try to get up/out soon.