I Love You

Sock's blog has been discovered by her parents, and in turn mine has too. So since I know that my beloved aunt and uncle might possibly read this post, this is what I want to tell them; I love you both up to the moon and back. You are my second set of parents and I love and respect you both so much. I know that you most likely will not agree with me but let me just say this. The content of Sock's blog is her thoughts and feelings. She was not making any of this up. If you are offended by what she wrote, you have a right to. When things are said about us without our knowledge, it is a natural reaction the become angry at those who said them. You may think Socks should have just told you how she felt. Maybe she couldn't. Maybe she can't. Maybe she just doesn't know how. Whatever the case, you cant blame her for feeling the way she does. Don't take this wrong at all. I am only trying to be objective. You know this is hard for me because I love you both, and Sock's is my other half. Maybe this timing is good. Maybe it's not. All I want you to know that I love you all.

Forever yours,

Eva

Bittersweet Ending

Today is my 18th birthday. I'm happy it has finally come, yet I mourn the cruel fact that my childhood is finally over. I still act like a child, and will always, but now I can never say; "Don't be mean to me! I'm just a kid!" Now that I'm an adult I have to take on all the things life 'thinks' adults can handle. My adulthood has come at last. And it is with mixed emotions that I say goodbye to my childhood, forever.

Desparing

I’m back at college and I remember why I hate it so much. Teachers who don’t teach their subject and ramble on about what they believe instead. Friends who complain endlessly about their problems. Me, who as hard as I try, cannot be optimistic about my future. Optimism. Where on earth does it come from? I can't even fathom. The future is a winding path that maliciously gives us a false picture of where it’s going to lead us. I am cognizant of the surprises now. I guess. At times I wish my life could be unfolded like a map, so that I could see where I’m going. Instead I follow that winding path to every dark and unusual place it leads me. I know, I know. You’re thinking, “What a downer! Has she no bright outlook on life?” About this point in my life, you would be correct. I am a downer, and I can’t get out of it. I want to be happy and full of sunshine, but my sun has dimmed and the energy has stopped sustaining me. I guess I’ve followed the path in to a dark part of the woods. One where the canopy of leaves is so thick, hardly any sun can get through. I will keep on following this path and hope that it leads me to a sunny meadow. For now, I’m walking, lost in the dark.

Empty

There are sometimes when I feel all alone. I know that I have friends and family, who love me, but I still feel alone. I don’t know how to change it. That feeling of emptiness that consumes your heart until it feels like you have no heart left. All you have is that aching feeling where your heart used to be. I don’t mean to be depressing and dramatic. I just long to find something, someone who takes that felling away. However, what if I never find it? And let’s say I do, will it take away that loneliness or will that feeling still be there? I have come to this conclusion; I either need to find a way to come to terms with my loneliness, or get used to feeling empty.

Rejection

When push come to shove, is it worth being honest? With honesty, you expose yourself to pain and rejection, or love and acceptance. With either, you could place on opposite ends of the scale. My concern is the obvious one. Rejection. I have a circumstance where I can keep my feelings to myself, and wonder. On the other hand, I could shatter all hope I have ever had of love. Or…. things could go perfect and I would be with that one I love. I have choices ahead of me, and I wonder; out of these three options, Is there a compromise?

How Can You Mend A Broken Heart?

So…………… here’s what’s going on. Socks parents are getting divorced. This not only shatters and trust that Socks “Might” have ever had for marriage, (I say might because she was never that sold on it any way.), but it has also changed my outlook on love and marriage as well. I love someone. He doesn’t know that I love him, and for now it’s best that way. My Aunt and Uncle were in love, my Uncle loves my Aunt more than his own life. (By the way, she is leaving him.) That love at one time reciprocated, is now a pained commitment and adoration. Marriage is not absolute, there are no guarantees. How can a license and a ring mean so much to some, and to others so little? What holds someone to that promise; “Until death, do us part.”? I believe that my Uncle’s love for my Aunt will always remain. For he has been there for her. Every step of their life together. My Aunt, I hope will someday realize what a wonderful man she once had. Me…. I don’t know if my heart would be able to survive had its love been rejected. I know, I know, I’m depressing. But I just hope Socks and I both find a relationship worth staying in. No, I mean, I hope this divorce hasn’t shattered all hopes, of a truly fantastic relationship. No I….. I just don’t know how you could survive if your life left you.

Horizons

Change. We think we will be fine when it arrives. When it’s here we tell ourselves that it’s a good thing. Then one day we snap and we lose it, because we finally realize things will no longer be the same. Sometimes, we morn the familiar, and despise the new. Other times, we rejoice in the change. I wonder though, what about the times when we could care less? A new horizon approaches, and we barely notice it. Does that mean we have accepted that change happens? Or does it mean that we have lost interest in the adventure of life?

Hitting The Books

Ahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! College starts back up again in less than a month. I know, I know, all you highschoolers out there are like; “Hello? We start in less than a week!” Fine! Still though, I am not really looking forward to it. Well actually that’s not entirely true. A very small, and insignificant part of me is kind of excited to be going back to school. I get to be with my friends again and make some new ones. Maybe. I think I’ll be o.k., well regardless of whether I want to be or not, I’ll be o.k. (I desperately hope.)

... And They Lived Happily Ever After

I have watched so many movies lately with a happy ending that I have begun to wonder; will that "happy ever after" be mine? I want to believe it with every fiber of my being, but some small part of me doubts it will ever happen to me. I hear of it and see it happen to others. I know that you can make your own "happy ever after", but does that mean you’re forcing it? I don’t really know, I just hope that I don't force a happy ending, and always wonder if it really is.

Scream

I am currently in a bad mood. Everyone I know is either walking all over me, or just flat out ignoring me. What is going on? I think I need a vacation. I started working the day after I got out of school, and haven't had one measly little break. I am still doing some math to keep me fresh for school, I have college auditions in January, and I have relationship problems up to the roof. I need a place to be alone, but that is impossible to find in my life. I am so tired, I just need to unwind.

Home?

So I have been contemplating moving out of my parents house. I would be moving in with Socks and her rents. I am just sick of being at home. Granted, I really don’t have many reasons to move out. Well besides the no trust, and too much trust thing, and the guilt trips and overprotecting, I really don’t have a "just" reason. I would totally love to spend my last year before going to college with Socks. I already spend every weekend with her, and my mother is getting a little jealous. (I think.) Sheesh! What to do, what to do!?! In the famous words of Socks; “IDK?”

Stupidity

I'm done. I thought I could make the relationship work, but my better judgment has decided against it. Well I have decided against it. There are many reasons why I guess, he's a jerk, five years older, and the biggest reason; I'm still stuck on someone else. I still find myself flirting, and I'm really trying to stop......... actually no, I still like the flirting, but the whole thing is done. God, I'm so effing stupid.

Almost Decided

I apologize for my absence. I know that it’s been over a week, but I haven’t even got my head on straight as I promised. Well here’s what’s new; I have decided that I do like someone. And though I still don’t know whether it’s because he finally broke down my guard, or because I got to know him, I don’t even care anymore. I promise that I will explain more as the whole thing unfolds. Just know for now that I am slightly head over heels.

A Little Time to Think

So I have a week to get my head on straight. A week to make up my mind. A week to decide on my feelings. I still don’t have any idea what I’m going to do. Sock’s says; “Go for it!”. I will. But then I wonder if the whole thing just so happens to fall through…. Well we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Thursday, I have until Thursday. Then I’ll go back to spending extra time in front of the mirror in the morning. I know this really isn’t much, but you know when you are in the middle of it, it seems like it consumes your entire thought life. So wish me luck during this long week of mental turmoil.

Feelings Changed

So about the whole “how far do you let it go?” thing, well………. What happens when those feelings have changed? Have they only changed because the person likes you, and it’s easy to like someone who likes you back? Or, have they changed because you have gotten to really know the person. What do you do? I find that once you stop liking guy the more you can actually get to know who they really are, not the person you have painted them to be. (Yes, I know I just now figured that out.) So what should I do? I actually can talk myself out of liking a guy if I really want to, ( a trait that Socks and I both share. ) but…then you lose the little things that happen while your flirting. Like I’ve said before, there is something to those casually significant conversations. Well for me there is. So truthfully, and back to my original point; my feelings have changed. How I don’t know. All I need to do is figure out what I’m going to do. Easier said then done

How Far?

The feeling of being liked is good one. Not the one, where you know people like to be around you. But the one where “one" individual harbors affection for you. You feel like you’ve got it all. I know there are the times when that kind of affection is unwanted. Trust me I’ve been there! But, what about the times when you don’t mind the flirting and casually significant conversations. Is it right to lead them on just because you like the feeling? How far do you let it go?

Tolerance

What to do when faced with a situation, in which, no matter how much you want to speak, you must remain silent? In this particular scenario, (hypothetically, of course.) you don’t like the way in which you mother is acting. What can you actually do? On one hand you could tell your mother how you feel about her actions. However, she may think; a) you are overreacting, or b) that it’s none of you damn business how she lives her life. With either option, she isn’t listening to how you feel, how you are handling it, how you view the situation. Sometimes there are the occasional realizations, on the mother’s behalf, that she is wrong. But for my and others these are occasions few and far between. In the end we just tolerate the instances that make us which we had no mother. Yet I wonder, are we helping those we love by staying silent, merely tolerating their existence, because we fell that our hands are tied.

Socks

My baby cousin and bestest friend. Even though she’s one and a half years younger, her maturity and intelligence is up to par with mine. ( I wonder if she’ll take that as a compliment or insult?) Well, matuity seem to disappear for both of us whenever we are together. As much as I give her a hard time for being an only child, she “amazingly” is extremely well rounded. Not only is she talented and creative, she is beautiful. While at time she doesn’t believe it, I envy her get up and go glamour. More importantly though, is her inner beauty. She has a hear of gold, and never gives up. Her perseverance and optimism has gotten us though so many scrapes, I thank her that I have remained, almost completely sane. (She may beg to differ on that one.)

Miles

My brother, and completely loony. I try to claim no relation to him, but I have found it easier and less painful on my nerves to accept him as my brother. After all, admittance is the firs step on the road to recovery! And recover I must. Miles used to be the brave one socially, however now our roles have reversed. I am the one who orders for us at restaurant, and ask for directions. Sill, he is the clown of the family, everyone knows that the moment he walks on the room you can expect to laugh. We used to get along great , but then things changed. I grew up, and didn’t want any thing to do with him. Now things are slowly getting better, he lets me make his fashion decisions, (because he can’t.) and we are slowly learning to respect each other. It’ll take time, but we’ll eventually get there.

Christine

This girls’ got a voice! She is my fellow opera singer, but she’s been singing for nine years, against my two. I love her to death, but there are sometimes when she tends to go on about her problems. I want to help, but she is more helped if you listen to her, rather than give her guidance. She is also very shy, but (with a little of my help,) she is slowly starting to come out of her shell. I have given her a complete makeover lately, and people marvel that she’s only Twenty-two, when they used to think she was Thirty. Much to her dislike and amazement she gets carded for pretty much everything now. I really believe that with a little encouragement she can really become, a confident person. Until then I’ll just keep listening!

Eliza

The most talkative and bubbly person you will probably ever encounter. Even though she can seem intimidating because she’s smart and pretty, she will always go out of the way to introduce herself to the least socially inclined. She is the friend you chose to shop with. Not only does she adore fashion, but only she know what season you are and what colors you look good in. (I think I’m a Spring……and that I should stay away form mauve….I think……) Anyway, she’s not quite a brave a she leads on. And when it comes to guys, let me just say I’m glad we have the same mobile carrier. She can talk for hours and I love listening to her reason and excuses and she solves her own problems. I know I’m only the soundboard for her thoughts, but hey, that’s fine with me.

Complete

Compatibility and Incentive. Two things we (I) desire most in a friend. Compatibility, so that you actually can relate and enjoy the same things. And incentive, where a person knows when the time is wrong for a joke, and when it’s time for a much needed hug. This, sadly is almost impossible to find in a friend. Usually they are just a tad shy of our expectations. And as much as we love and accept them, we truly desire those qualities. It seems as though once in a lifetime we will stumble upon these friends. And even when we have them, a tiny part of us is afraid that we don’t quite measure up to their expectations. That we are the friends that they love and accept , but really want more from. I consider myself to be among the lucky few, who possess that rare jewel of a friend. She is my other half, my mind, and best friend. Occasionally, I wonder if she will ever tire of me, but when she tells me how she feels whole again when we are together, all my worries are carried away. A friend like this, will see things in yourself that you could never see. Like how good you have it, and the talent you think you don’t possess. Whether these friendships take time and effort to develop, or are created the instant the individuals meet, I know that I would never be able to live without my other half. So here’s to the jewels in our lives, the ones who give us more than they will truly ever know.

Strawberries and Cream Frappuccinos

So while I am spending the weekend at Sock's house, we both came upon the same realization. That the gangsters (at least where we live) only order Strawberries and Cream Frappuccinos. They walk into Starbucks, saunter up to the counter where the poor little barista timidly ask what she can get started for them. They proceed to give the illusion that they actually looking at the menu to make a decision. Then finally the mutter; "I'll have a Strawberries and Cream Frappuccino." The barista is no longer intimidated as she pulls out a cup and with deliberated sarcasm, writes the drink code on the cup. Even the baristas making the coffee and unaware of the fooffy gangsters existence , suppress giggles as the gangster comes to claim his frappuccion. As he walks out of the store his frappuccino in hand, one can't help wondering; "If your really wanted to keep the whole 'I'm tough' thing believable, why wouldn't you just order straight espresso?"

A Place of My Own

This space, is my way out of life's mundane and frankly irritating situations. I sometimes wish that life was a easy as "I" want it to be. Don't you ever wonder what your life might have been like if you were born, say, in a different era? I know that it really doesn't help to dream that way, but when the world start spinning to fast, my thoughts are always where things might have been.

Incixwde (Thank you Socks.)

Thank you Socks, I would love to have had a really clever first blog... but no. Socks is hungry, and heavily hinting that we should go get a bite to eat. (That probably means that I will be driving, and paying most likely.) That's apparently what cousins are for, at least that's what she keeps telling me. Farewell, I must go.