Hey...

You ever feel like you're just stuck at the edge of a precipice? And all you need to do is jump and your life can start new? But you can't. You can't jump. You don't know what's holding you back. You think it's fear, or change, fear of change? Who the fuck knows. It's something, and it's killing you. Slowly. Deliberately. And you just keep letting it. Because you're so used to pain and stagnancy that you don't know how to life a life full of adventure and joy.

How do you make that change? Can you even make that change at this stage?

I don't know. I don't know so much, and yet I yearn to be full of the answers. TO put everything in a neat little box. To understand why. It's the ADHD, it's the Autism, it's the trauma.
And it's got a hold on me in a way that makes me so unhappy.
So I made a promise, and sure, I've made those before. But I feel like this time may be different.
A new life, a new career, a new purpose.

(I feel like I'll look back and find I'm still in the same space. But maybe, just maybe, I'll be out of this mess.)






P.S.
Sorry it's been so long.



~ Eva

It Be Like That Sometimes

I don't know. Like is so weird sometimes. You think that the path eventually becomes clear, and then it just drops you off a cliff. And then, because you were the one who decided to take said path, you're expected to just be okay that it dropped you off a cliff. You're not allowed to deal with your injury, because "You need to take responsibility for your life choices." Okay.....sure... and I get that, but come on...

Dealing with pain and loss, and taking that time to grieve is really important. And to be honest, I really haven't taken the time lately to do that. I know that it starts to cause issues in other areas, and then just makes me feel worse about the initial choice(s) that led me to this shitty place to start. But how to you balance grieving and still living your life, and adulting? I can't figure it out. It seems like avoidance works for a small time. But then that habit of avoiding bleeds to everything else.

You know that you need to not, but it's just easier to deal with hypotheticals than the real thing... I guess. Especially now, when I usually anticipate the worst possible outcome vs. something good going right for me. Not to be all 'woe is me', but there was a point when I stopped having joy, even when stuff got hard. I don't know if that's even possible to go back to.


Obvs need more therapy.

"New Year, New Me" Is Bullshit

IDK what inspired me to want to write again. I think someone mentioned something about starting a blog and I was like..."Oh...I have one of those..."
Anyway, it also could be a desire to have thoughts elsewhere on the internet that my Facebook friends don't see. Sounds contradictory I know... Regardless, here I am.

What's new... Looking back on a lot of these posts from college it's clear to see the rampant depression. I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (Type 2) in  January of 2013. I didn't understand why my logical mind would betray me with out of control emotions. As soon as I got medicated, my life changed. I could handle more life problems, and work on betting myself with a clear lens. I was 22 and just starting to discover who I was. I had no idea that was the beginning of a really rough journey. I know most people over the age of 30 say that they would never want to re-live their 20's again. And I totally get it now. I went through a horribly abusive relationship, lost people I considered my closest friends, and moved to the city I'd dreamed of living in as a child. I learned to deal with horrid anxiety, and that alone I consider a win. I found ME. I loved who I was, and for the first time in almost 25 years, I was happy and confident. I didn't think things would change.

Then I met Sam in June of 2015. I didn't know when we first met, that this was something good. I'd been battle worn from sport dating through the city, and had tailored my likes and dislikes like a fine tuned machine. I, as a well knows cynic was swept off my feet. I proposed a year later. Yeah, I know....me.
He changed my mind about marriage, and commitment, something I never thought would happen.

I got a big girl job that actually paid me to live. (Actually way more...like....WAAAAAYYY more.)
We got a puppy, Sam got a job with me, and we have our first apartment together.
I still fight my own Bipolar demons, but so does Sam, and I know that he gets it.

So I look back at my early 20s, the fair-weathered friends, the shitty job and living situations, the lack of real honest to god love. And I would never, ever, want to re-live that again.




~ Eva

I Have Excuses And They Are Lame

I don't even know what to say...


It's been almost a year since I last wrote. And I feel so guilty for neglecting you.

I had a low moment tonight and I thought, "What did I always do in the past that made me less anxious...?"


Writing was it.

So...here I am. I always say that so much has happened and changed. Move, job, love, friends.
Same as last entry I guess, I mean I don't have hardly any of the friends that I used to. No my choice sadly, theirs.
You know I always used to think that something was wrong with me, and that's why people left. I now know that I put trust and faith in weak people who are easily swayed by their own emotions and by others around them. Yet, why did I choose them in the first place? Were they people that I thought were stronger than me, and that I could rely on? Were they people I believed were genuinely loyal? I don't know... I wish I did.

I've only two really good friends remaining, Jaimie and Andrew. And without them, I'd be very alone.
Alone on the friend front that is, I still have my sister, and my brother, and my boyfriend.
Yeah, I know. Who'd have thought that I'd settle down, yet find someone who'd want to date me, and even love me for all that I am.
Effing dumb luck. That's all it is. No more. The right one did eventually come along. There were no games. I knew from the beginning that he was here for me. I didn't lose any friends over him. And best of all, I finally knew what it was to just to love, and be loved in return. The greatest thing.

So while I'm still low sometimes, I can get out of the bed I share with this man I love, and write.
I can forget about work, and my own psychosis, and just type.

I miss being creative, I miss painting, I miss making music. I miss living. I miss.....it all.
So I'm trying to do that again.

At 2:30 a.m.
Hey, you gotta start sometime.






~ Eva

...

Sometimes...



~ Eva

Her

I fallen behind, I know. My apologies. My life got crazy, and now it's time to settle back into writing again.
Where should I begin.... again.....
Eff.
So............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Just this, I have found love.
And let me tell you.
She is amazing.

I've become more me, by being with her.

And for that I am happy.

5EVA

It feels like forever. Or more accentuate 5eva. Since it's longer than forever. Ahh, I've been so very busy. SO much has happened, and I feel guilty for not writing sooner. Where to start...

Well, I got rid of a lot of the drama and negativity in my life. I have learned so much about friendship and relationships in the last year. I no longer associate with people that I once considered to be my best friends. It was tough at first, because this was all their choice and not mine. But it doesn't matter if you've had a friendship for 20 years, or 2, if those friends make you feel unwanted, unloved, of bad about yourself, they shouldn't even be in your life. Plain and simple. I've also found some really great people who have been there for me through thick and thin, they never let our relationship change, even when life and their relationships happen, and change. Those are the true gems. I am so lucky to have them.

I have moved. I'm working in the city, so it's easier for me to commute. I got a roommate too. AND HE'S AWESOME. It's interesting living people again. I mean, I don't know what I expected. People are more nice than I thought, Maybe I've been around bad people. I don't know. SO nice to have positive loving people in my life right now.

Oh, I also got called out about “passive aggressive posting about people”. I know who the two people that only read this blog to check up on my life. To that I say, if you want to know about my life, ask. I post what I want, when I want, because guess what? It's my blog. Has been since I was 16. Nothing is going to change about what I write. I don't get paid to write and hide the way I feel. Quite the opposite. SO instead of saying 'fuck you', because I'm better than that, I suggest maybe don't be so atrocious that I feel compelled to write about your actions to me? You know, just a suggestion.

Haha, that's it. All the other stuff, I'll try to get up/out soon.

We Shall See

I talked with my dear friend Sigmund today. He gave me some pretty wonderful advice about bad friends. I was comforted in the fact that the good friends I have are still there, even though I no longer have my two best friends. He told me they were idiots, and whenever a friend starts ignoring their friends for their significant others, that's when a relationship is doomed to fail. So we'll see...

Head Over Heels

I wanted to be with you alone

And talk about the weather

But traditions I can trace

Against the child in your face

Won't escape my attention

You keep your distance with a system of touch

And gentle persuasion

I'm lost in admiration, could I need you this much

Oh, you're wasting my time

You're just wasting time

Something happens and I'm head over heels

I never find out till I'm head over heels

Something happens and I'm head over heels

Ah, don't take my heart

Don't break my heart

Don't throw it away

Me

I'm panicked. I have spent a few months convincing myself that I'm fine. That's as usual, something will work out. It wasn't until last night, that I realized, as many people that I have put my trust in, who have failed me at one time or another, there is one person who never has. I know that it's so stupid. But I've never failed me. I always pulled "us", myself and I, out of bad situations. I mean, seriously, I'm the one who never really has the option to give up. I guess you could say that's an unfair advantage over the ones that have left me. I don't have a choice to leave, well, in one way I do, but we've realized that's not something we'll be doing anytime soon. So I put my faith in me. I look to myself for salvation. Sure, is it misguided? Absolutely. Is it narcissistic? Obviously. Is it whats going to work for me in this dark, dark, time right now? Yes. And eff everything else. The friends who've abandoned me in this hour. Because while I've been there, when they come crawling back, I don't know if this time I will be. Because at this point why? If you surround yourself with people who are so easily distracted by a significant other, you will always feel like a side issue when they're in relationships. When they're not, sure, they'll go out with you, cry with you, laugh with you. However, as soon as they enter into a relationship, they'll go two months without initiating contact. You know if you ever were to call them out on that, they'd blame work, and the fact that "That's why the relationship between you two works so well, because you don't always have to see each other." And yet, you know that you're the one making the effort, and getting nothing out of it. Or you have the opposite, the ones who'll claim "That you're making them choose between their S.O. and your friendship." You'll gently tell them if that's how they look at it, they've obviously made a choice. You've seen the heartache that they've had to go through, and they've seen yours. But you never chose a S.O. over them. So maybe that's why I've decided to focus on me. I'm leaving this place. I know that they'll eventually regret that they didn't get to spend the last couple months with me. Their loss. As vindictive as I am, that prospect makes me happy. To hear the phrase "I just wish we could have hung out more before you left." Internally, and possibly externally, I will laugh. While this part is still in process I will actually be able to say something along the lines of: "You made that choice."

Gasp

Frustration. I can't deal with all of it, and I know it comes out at the most in opportune moments. As much as I try and meditate and control my breathing..........IT'S NOT HELPING.

Not Worth It.

A cure. This ailment. Silence. Forced pleasantries. Mumbled spite. More pleasantries. Feigned ignorance. Disapproving looks. Sever. This ailment. No cure.

6

So here I sit in the same kitchen of my uncles house, watching the same show, up past everyone else, 6 YEARS LATER. I am still alive. I am still breathing. I am still living. Suicide did not get me. I tried. I have tried several times. I guess it the one time you can view failure as a success. At 18, I had no idea where my life was going. I had no hope for my future. School funding had run out, I was crashing in my uncles basement, and was jobless. I was severely depressed, and (I didn't know at the time.) struggling with Bi-Polar disorder. I just wanted to sleep until everything had worked itself out.

I hurt.

Fast forward now, 6 years later where I'm sitting in the same place as a guest. My apartment is down the street. School is around the corner. And I'm medicated so I can function. I'm choked up writing this, and I feel stupid. For what I don't know... I know that I don't need a special someone to make myself happy. That doing things like eating well, exercising, and letting my creativity flow, are things that keep me from feeling momentarily trapped. *sigh* I know that I'm not done, not by a long shot, but if I made it 6 years, then I can make it another 6, and another, and another...

Rambling Of An Enlightened Yet Curious Insomniac

Do you ever actually wonder if people read your blog? If people actually care about the meaningless things in your life. Or if you're just writing to the void? Either way, I guess the glimmer of hope that somewhere, someone see this, makes the typing and angst worth it. Maybe not. I started writing poetry again. It was good. I mean it's different now. I feel different now. And that's awesome. I mean the issues we have, we choose to let them manifest in our lives. Sure, the actions and behaviors of others I understand, yet I still don't have to condone. It's wonderful.

Feelings Revisited

So I had lunch with an old fb of mine today. We were catching up on what's new with each other and stuffs. He told me about his visit to see his mom in Florida, I told him about my plans for school. I always notice he talks about his ex a few times every time we do hang out. I mean it's normal, he was going to propose to her, so I guess some feeling still remain there. We're driving home, and somehow the topic of the conversation turns and he looks at me and says; "Yeah, you sure talk about your friend Shark a lot, like you haven't shut up about it for the last 3 hours."  Okay, so he was exaggerating. But he was a little true. I think at that moment we both knew we had some shit to figure out. He and his 'almost ex fiancee', and me and Shark. Why is everything so convoluted? I know that I don't actually want to date Shark currently. But a few years down the road, sure. Maybe when he's grown up a little. Stupid boy.

Lists

I've become my beloved aunt. She had what she called 'maintenance men' A guy for each day of the week. While I may be a little more disorganized than she was, I'm following happily in her footsteps. It's funny they're rated by skill, and attraction. I'm so very ridiculous and I love it. I've had an attitude change, a new outlook on life. I'm not caught up in the little worries of life. Rent and bills. and unemployment. It's trivial and stupid. Relationships also so. I mean, sure I was on the 'I need one' train, but let's be honest. That is not even worth my time. I've got 5 months before school starts. I don't need unnecessary attachment and more drama.
But speaking of drama......so I'm sleeping with Shark again. I KNOW, I KNOW....... but it's so intoxicating. I seriously have never had sex like that ever. He's on the top of my list. And will always stay there. GOD.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. (Who doesn't know he's not in the rotation anymore...")
6.

I could quote Mimi and say; "Too much?'

IDC

I'm in a state. Unemployed, single, bored. Surrounded by bad friends. Surrounded by few good ones though. I've got a new life plan. I need to be out of this state by January. I need to be gone and off on my own. I mean even though, I pretty much have been on my own for a while, this would be different. Or would it? Maybe it'd just be the same in a different location. Psh, at this point I really don't care.

Backpedal, And Then Do It Anyway...

I have this blog post sitting in my draft box. It's basically an article where I (for lack of a better word) bash the horror that is my married friends. I wrote it in an angry state, and after much self reflection, decided not to post it. I know, why am I even mentioning it. I guess I still wanted to make my feelings known. And honestly I do have a great married friend. Jaimie is awesome. Nothing changed when she got married. We still go out, get drinks, adventure, and as always talk about sex. She doesn't judge me, when my relationships fail, or when I act crazy. Her husband doesn't come up in every conversation and thank the gods. I mean I do deal with her constantly trying to set me up with her husbands best friend. But if that's all I have to deal with, then so be it.

The other one, Alex... I've been working on a speech for weeks but haven't summoned the courage to read it to her. The original post went something like this.

"The other married friend has only been with her husband for a year. They married shortly before their one year anniversary, oh, and she was NOT pregnant. She used to be a normal girl and talk about her relationship and sex, and the one day she goes; “I can't because I feel like that's betraying him.” My jaw mentally dropped. Studies have shown that after the first sexual act the feelings of infatuation don't wear off for about a year. *cough* So basically, when they do wear off, and you were stupid enough to get married before making sure you actually knew the other person, lets hope to the gods that you picked the right one. Oh, and when you're so called 'best friend' has only met your husband twice in the space of a year, it seems as though you know you're hiding something, or, you just don;t want to hear what they have to say. Fine. That's how you alienate a friend you've had for 20 years. Married friends don't walk on eggshells around you and your relationship problems, in fact they either try to hook you up with their other non-married friends, or they tell you that, and this is my favourite line; YOU JUST NEED TO STOP LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT ONE AND LET THEM COME TO YOU. (Second to; YOU REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.) Because obviously that's how it worked for them, and OBVIOUSLY it'll work with you. It makes me want to light you on fire. My sister, told me the other day that I was unrealistic for expecting my friendships with these girls to remain unchanged. I was hopeful. Now I guess it'll be breakfast once a month while I listen to you tell me how the hubby is sick and he never fold the laundry, or he sweetly made dinner for you last night, And you'll want to know how my exploits have been in the dating world. I'll be hesitant to tell you because you're no longer a true confidant or someone I can go to without being judged. Have fun with your licence and ring. It baffles me that you'll let that change your life. *shakes head*"

I admit, I was angry when I wrote that, but a lot of it still stands. I no longer know her. I am sad that she's chosen this, and yet, I feel the need to call her out on being the most effing shitty friend ever. I mean, sure, I do understand where she's coming from, but honestly, I didn't abandon any of my friends when I was in a relationship. I expect the same. Too much to ask it seems. Why can't you be better. BE EFFING BETTER.

Sharks Are Stupid

I physically, mentally, and physically can't deal with Shark any more.

So I sent him this;

I've been trying to figure out how to have this conversation with you in a medium that would actually allow you to hear what I have to say. I wasn't going to blow up your phone with a 15 page text, because personally, I really hate that.

Basically, this is something I need to get off my chest, and while your opinions are important to me, I need you to hear this first.

I told you that I liked you, that I had feelings for you. I also told you I'd had them for a while, and had never acted on them. Was I ever expecting anything to happen between us? No. You can have feelings for someone and not need them to have them in return. I say 'had'. Because originally, I thought you and I were pretty similar, logical, adventurous, and always needing sex. However, since we started sleeping together, this has proven to be the exact opposite. The way you've reacted to many thing since we started having sex, has completely killed any feelings I had. So, I guess good for you? Your emotional overreaction to everything, has made you extremely unattractive to me. The only way us sleeping together happened the last time, is because I was turned on that we were fighting. I was willing to initially deal with your crazy, because the sex was good. But honestly Kyle, no penis is worth this. Your initial offer of, a deeper friendship and no-strings-attached sex, was what I wanted. You've sadly proven that at this point, that's not a relationship you can handle. That's fine. I would still like us to remain the caliber of friends we once were, but the fact that you 'assume' the phrases; “I love you.'', “I want your babies.” or “I think we should get married.” are something that would ever come out of my mouth regarding you, insults me on the deepest level. I trusted you to not treat me any differently after we had sex. You broke that trust. If you want to continue being friends, (and dude, I really would like that), you cannot treat me like that. Ignoring this will not make it go away, in fact it will make it worse. Whether you feel the need to give me feedback on this or not, I would really like us to start talking again.

And I thought that maybe if he knew where I was coming from, we could work on our relationship and get back to where we once started. I mean would I like to continue having sex with him? OBVIOUSLY. I have never been more sexually satisfied. Which is so effing strange, because we don't even have the type of sex that I'm into. But do I think we can continue having sex with the way things are now? Not at all. His brain just doesn't seem to connect the right things together. It's odd, I'm pretty sure he's Bi-Polar, because, I've seen the same things I used to do before I was medicated, in him....another effing can of worms....

Bite Me

 I'm severely inebriated and I've never blogged when I am. So I don't know how to start this. I think that I might be the one who has feelings for Shark.... why though? I mean I know I'm attracted to him, but still. He's got plans and I don.'t. I mean, he wants to move to S.C. when he's out of the Air Force. And I'd love to move to S.C. to be with my dad. I miss my father and having a family. But Shark seems so good on paper. maybe because, I just want someone to love me, that's so sad. I know. But maybe he'd be good for me.