Nothing Changes

All this about years making a difference, I never usually believe it. But I do believe 19 is better than 18...well it was...is...I got kicked out of my dad's house by my step-mom, and while I always told him he should pick her over me, I think that this time, he should have picked me. I follow rules, some of the time. I'm just not one for tons of structure. Maybe that will hurt me eventually. But seriously, I don't believe that trying to be like my step-mom is going to help me. Anyway, I get kicked out which puts my dad in a tough spot. And now he is concerned that I am going to end up a dead beat, or in a abusive relationship. Seriously? Please.

Games

Most the time I'm fine with the games boys play. But sometimes, it goes to far. This time, it was just weird..... I know strange segway.........what boy hides from a girl?

Drama

So I thought I was done with drama. Ha. Never. But seriously. I finally find a friend that I have little to no drama with. And then.................*POW* Everything explodes. It's always over boys. She'll never do anything. And I can't because she's my friend. Ugh. And he's so perfect, well, I think he is. The boy you never think exists. Oh he does. But he's already been called. "DIBS!!!!"

No Wardrobe

I thought that writing would make me feel better. And while it sometimes does, now isn't one of them. I thought I just wanted to go home. I thought that all I wnated was to spend the night in my old room, and feel safe. Never would I get the chance I thouhgt. I did. I know now, that I will never be able to go home. Life doesn't let you go back. It doesn;t give you a do-over. I found myself falling back into old routines. And silly things, like the way you walk down the stairs. You realize you can't really ever go back home

Shelled

I have to be myself. I have to. If I am not, what else am I? A mere shell of what I once wished I was, or the happiness that others derive from me, being what they what they want me to be. I keep wondering if I will find one to keep up with my quirkiness. They all seem so focused on themselves, even though I stand out, they can't see me. What am I doing? Waiting, hoping, waiting.......open your eyes, I'm right here.

Forward Motion

You find a place where you can just 'be" and then suddenly, it's gone. You try to rebuild that place over a few months time, and then, suddenly it too is gone. When you finally have the opportunity to, perhaps, build that place again, do you take it? Do you spend all your time and effort trying to fool yourself into thinking that; "You are home."? You can lie awake at night in a strange room and pretend that it is the one place that you actually felt safe. You can pretend that the sounds you hear are familiar, but deep down you know that they are not. I've moved........yet again.......back into a place that was not once as I left it though the small things remain the same. My room is the way it was. But it's not my room. It never will be. My room is a little solarium facing the port. Were you can see the moon, the stars, and the clouds. You could hear the creaking of the plexi-glass and climb on the roof. I will never be in my room again. I will always be moving, but I hope that someday, when I actually do have a home, that I will have a room. All my own.

Rendezvous

I know, it’s been a long time. Like parting ways with a very dear friend. You think about that friend from time to time and wonder if you will ever be reunited. This was once my haven and I lost it. I tried to find a new one, but it failed. There is something that the Circadian Heartbeat fills that nothing else has, not even a new blog could do that. It’s also a good way to deal with life when you have no one to talk to. My other blog will be for that boy, but this is me and my life. I miss being able to say things in here that I know only a few people will ever read. It’s my secret. Like hoping that someone is watching you as you make a fool of yourself splashing in puddles when it rains. It’s your secret, yet you hope that someone knows and is keeping it too.