I Think, I Know

While, my arm is falling asleep, and my hands are turning cold, I'm reminded how long I spend at the computer. And during that time, I often think about one person. While all the names in this blog are changed for privacy, I can't think of a good enough name for him other than the one he already possesses. I've been known to lose my shit over a boy now and again. I've been known to like them lots. I've been know to do a lot of things. Anyway, back to the boy. Fine, I'll call him. (begrudgingly, mind you!). . . Keagan. Anyway, I met him over the summer, he's the one that hid from me, but on Facebook, his activities keep popping up. Like spontaneous trips to the beach. After hour photo shoots. And just things, that happen I guess. I thought I liked him, but now he just intrigues me. Is it bad that I plan when I'll actually get to work with him. Like, try to start a relationship plan? God, I feel pathetic, but he seems so perfect. Yes, "seems", right, he'll turn out to be a disapointmeant .........or not...........Keagan........Why does he need to be everything I don't think I want, but deep down know I want. "Damnit, I neva get anyfing, neva!"

Wish Flower

Let go.

Fall away

From all the concepts

You were told to

Follow.

Drift away.

Let the strings

That

Attach

You to this life

be clipped.

Succumb.

Forget what once was

And find what will be.

If you can't climb

Out of the dark

Hole

That is your life,

Fall.

Fall.

Back in

To the dreams

You left.

There

You will be safe.

Loved.

Wanted.

Happy.

Find that flower.

Blast away,

All the parts

Wishes

Are made

Of. . .

Orphaned

So this past week, not only has my mother, who is constantly telling me how horrible I am and how I just need to call upon Jesus, has unfriended me. Along with my step-father and my younger brother. While the action doesn't offend me, the reasons behind it are ridiculous. Something about me being evil and living an alternative lifestyle. And they don't even know I'm Bi!!! HA! But yes, so......Oh! Basically this always goes in circles, argument, not talking and then some. But this time I realized I needed to set boundaries. Especially after my brother slammed me for being a tortured artist.....which I am. So, therefore I sent them all a message. Stating this;

"Dear, Miles, Mom, and Dad,

I need to make this clear. I am done with this petty Facebook arguing. It is foolish and childish. Obviously you have views and ideas about me and my life that I do not share, and I will be very frank; I don't want to hear them. I do not criticize they way you choose to live and expected the same from you.

Dad, choosing to have your entire family 'unfriend' me, I could have cared less about. However the reasons you did so are ridiculous and immature. They seem to be purely driven by emotion.

Miles, I'm not the only one who has changed. You too are not the same person that you were a year ago. Most say you have changed for the better. I hope one day you will realize you sister wasn't as evil as everyone , made her out to be.

Mom, you know I love you. But I can't take the constant judgement and preaching anymore. I don't say anything about how you handle things, and you should not to me. I am an adult, even if you refuse to see that.

Therefore, the only contact that should be between us, is for my math and camera (mom basically). I should have set these boundaries a long time ago. I love you all so much it hurts, and wish you could see that while my life has changed, the person I am inside has not. I will not respond to any challenges or responses to this. I'm sorry, truly I am. We all need a break. So lets reconvene all our relationships in maybe 6 months? If it's less than that fine. But you can't be 'friends' with me. I cannot take preaching from you. I love you. Goodbye.

~ Eva "

And while I am extremely hurt that my family doesn't want me in any shape or form. Some people do. I'm not entirely orphaned. But I still feel abandoned.

Safety

I've been told that I need to post something new. Yet I feel like I'm a fraud if I try and post something when I have nothing to say. I've been told, I always have something to say. Riiiiiiiight........ So what do I say? Continue rambling on how unhappy I am with my life? Or should I complain on how my entire family has excommunicated me? Oh oh oh!!! Maybe you would like to take a look into my self loathing? No? Then perhaps my loneliness, or the fact that I hide from everyone and the face I show all my friends is a lie? I ask a lot of questions for someone trying to disappear, huh? Damn, another question. I shall settle on a topic, I suppose. Boys........they ruin everything. I'm blissfully sleeping, and on some insignificant adventure, when in my dream I realize that I have a child. A boy I happen to slightly likes baby. And if that wasn't bad enough, I dream it again. I'm pretty solid in the fact that I don't want children. So why am I dreaming about having one? Perhaps it's a subconscious inability to let go of my own childhood, and actually GROW UP. I can't seem to do that. I'm at the point where if I don't grow up, I'm gonna drown. Seriously. I want to be 5. When Santa and the Tooth Fairy were real, and bed time stories were magical, and piggy-back rides were mandatory. Sandboxes were where it was at, Popsicles were the bomb, and the sprinkler made you happy. I'm 19. I'm 5. I'm done with growing up. I can't. It hurts and I don't like it. I will throw a fit. I will scream. I will stick my tongue out. *sigh* I can dream can't I? No wait, those are being invaded by my supposed future children. Where the hell can I be safe? Damnit.

Dreams

I was having a conversation with a beloved friend. Only this time, it was about his recent heartbreak, and he told me about a dream he had. I, being sometimes able to see things others don't, (We'll get to that later) saw all the subconscious things in his dream that he, I guess, couldn't see. Weather I "actually" could or not is up for debate. Yet, while looking at what he had written, I couldn't help but think that maybe, I was kind of correct. A little. Not a lot.....okay maybe a ton. Still.............. I may just have something here.

~ ~ ~

Theodore

I have had this reoccurring dream that I would be walking down the hall, this pulsing pain in my temple, and I would just faint, and I would wake up in the hospital, and expect my mom to be right at my bedside, but it was Brent.

Eva

Well, that makes perfect sense.

Theodore

Please explain.

Eva

1) The hall: It's a metaphor to a crossover in your life, a passage to a new year.

2) The pain in your temple: Results from you thinking to much on the subject of Brent and you and the ''what- ifs".

3) Fainting: the ceasing to exist for a time when you can feel nothing and be nothing.

4) Hospital: A desire to be fixed and cured of you adoring of pain. a.k.a. Brent. You want him to be gone. He's like an infection.

5) Your mother: Obviously, You want a comforting familiar presence. This is usually the mother. Or the version we wish existed.

6) Brent being there instead: You want him to repent for all he did and actually care. You want him to come to your rescue. And be a comfort because your heart hurts.

~ ~ ~

I think that was quite EPIC.

Save Me I'm Lost

I feel like I'm stuck in a giant black hole. Nothing I can do helps me to get out. I have nothing. I wish I could be little again, and not have to worry, but I do... I barely have the strength to get out of bed. And even then that sometimes doesn't happen. I miss being happy, and having a purpose. I miss just being. Damnit, what is wrong with me? Spiraling, spiraling, spiraling. Never happy always, haunted. You wonder if maybe there is some thing that will snap you out of this reverie. No. No. No. You stay living in the shadows.

Lantern

So I've been told that writing in anger is not the wisest idea. What about irritated? I know she thinks I'm jealous and can't stand to see her happy. But that's not the truth. I thought for a time I might be jealous. But I realized I'm not. I am fine with being single........ today...... tonight. It just seems like she and I are walking through the woods and she's the one with the lantern. Then one night, one with no stars, she decides to go off the path. I don;t know, maybe to walk one I can't see, but she's walking away, and taking the light with her. I'm not afraid of the dark, it just becomes more difficult to walk the path with no light. Things have changed. I've talked with a friend both she and I share, and we agree she's changed. She even told him she thinks that I can;t stand seeing her this happy. Whatever, it's not true. She's just so different. He suggested an intervention. That possibility has crossed my mind, but every time I try to she'll just brand me as "Spiteful or Jealous", so that seems out of the question. She has changed over time, I get that, people change but... this is a lot of little things that changed overnight. I miss her. And...... I don't know anymore.