Marks

I spent all night looking through millions of images. My eyes hurt and my shoulders feel disconnected. It's just a tattoo. Well, more like several. I was always against defiling the skin, but now, I have so many plans for it. And they all mean something. Well, they should in my opinion. I just hope this isn't another way of subconsciously getting back at my parents.

Uncaring, Uncharitable, Unfeeling, Unfriendly, Unsympathetic

When people say; "I really don't like drama, but it always seems to find me!" most the time, you look at them and know. You know that they do indeed love drama. It is their comfort-zone. But to admit they love it, need it, thrive off it, would be to announce their gluttony of it. And for most, that's embarrassing. I despise thees people. Yes...I feel like I may be one of them. In my case, I have a boy who I know cares more deeply for me then I him. As in, I care for him not at all. He plagues me with his feelings, and tales of family injustice. I don't care. He tells me of arguments and thing that irritate him. I don't care. He even threatened to kill himself. (For the second time since I've known him.) I don't care. And I told him so. I tell him, that nothing about his life interests me. I just don't want to know. Is that wrong? Not to care? In the slightest?

Non Fit

Getting to the root of issues, is not one of my favorite things. Talking to Socks about this, another on of the things I'd rather not do. Personally, I would like everything to work itself out. Sheesh.....wouldn't we all. But what could have been a screaming match, was an honest realization. That we are different. We were raised different. We will handle things different. While we are alike in many respects, I do believe that communication...is a little helpful. We fit so well, yet we don't. I know we get each others thoughts, but not all the time. I know that we both hate where we are. But we'll get through it...... I hope...

Don't Tell Me

I love surprises. I always have. I would honestly rather wait for something for a whole year, rather than have you spoil it now. I guess this will be a rant. I'm not worried about someone reading thins, because she never does anymore. I've already mentioned how much that's not okay.

So, if you like to skip to the end of things, look up endings during a show, or a movie, watch the last 5 minutes of a show to see who won; then you and I are not going to get along. I'm cool, with it, when it's on your own time. If I'm in the room, can you at least wait until I leave. If I had the computer, effing wait 'till I'm done with it. I don't think, well for me that is, that there are very many surprises in life. True surprises. So why not enjoy the unknown for a little bit. Are you so uncontrollable that you can't even finish a movie without looking up the ending? That's serious lack of self control, and I know I'm not the most patient person, but still... if you want to ruin everything for yourself, then I feel sorry for you. But seriously, you don't need to ruin everything for me. I actually like suspense. I know, what a strange concept. *gasp*

Awkwardness...

Family gathering. That about sums it up. Crazy relatives, awesome little brothers, invisible father. My Aunt was great though, I had some wonderful conversation with her. About life, the universe, and everything. I thanked her for being my mom, and she told me I was wonderful, and marvelous. Of course, I almost lost it. She has no idea how....amazing....it is to hear that. That someone thinks you're neat, and that they will be there for you. So.....yeah....... And I met someone online, that I think would be really cool to be with, but I realized I have to take care of me right now. So I write him a long note explaining that I really think he's awesome, but I probably can't start something for a few months. And now I wait....wondering if I did the right thing. He seems perfect. Damnit.

Shattered

So I'm making an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. It's the first time I've ever gone to counseling. I don't like to admit I'm broken. I'm not! Or, well.....yeah I guess I am. I'm so effing proud. I know it's wrong, I can't help it. I've never thought that therapy helped people, but when you've got more than one person, gently nudging you in that direction.....you tend to take notice. My Aunt, my Uncle, and Socks. They all tell me that I would greatly benefit from it. They say I have abandonment issues. Great. That's gonna help the relationship scene. Haha, I know right? Insomnia has struck me again, so that's why I'm thinking about tomorrow. And how I'm going to try to put myself back together with help this time. Fingers crossed.

Corners

It's ridiculous! I guess I can't expect much from family. Of my father. When I was living with him, I thought maybe my family was wrong about how fucked up he is. For the most part, I was right. But I do being to see this one common trait. Whichever kid is the easiest to deal with, he chooses. Since I'm apparently a failure, he's chosen my backwards-ass Christian cult brother. Oh how lovely! They go driving. They go to movies. They go to my half-brothers basketball games. Great, the son you ignored for 4 years, now you want to see him. How about the daughter you royally fucked up? Oh no! She's not worth any time at all. Just shove her in the corner like you and your ex-wife did for most of her 19 years. That'll solve tons. Effing idiots. Go fuck up your new replacement kids.