I Have Died

The thing is, is....... Like ugh!!! Fuck! I can't do anything while everyone is there, and no one is drunk, and even then I'm not sure. Like it's the type of person who says they don't like things just to say it. And then you come to find out they do, but never told you. I like that, right? I like the honesty that comes with the douchyness? I mean, the shy half-ginge on roids can't hold my heart forever, can he??? Can....he? I sent him a valentine... and Kindred said that was bad. We're together "in a sense" again. And Socks says that's bad. I made him his favourite muffins. Was that a bad idea? Yet when Alexander mentioned he was hungry, I didn't offer to make anything like I would in the past. I get breaking patterns, and I get being different. But if Alexander thinks I'm still doing things for Wyoming, because I still like him, I mean, not like I actually give a fuck, where is that going to leave me? Oh wait, I know, alone. Kindred makes the effort and gets stuff, Socks doesn't make the effort, and still gets stuff. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO TO GET ANYTHING!?!?!?!?!

Text Message

I think I finally get it now. I will not try and force emotion that I don't feel. If we talk, and I don't feel anything, I never will. I know me. I know how I work. If my stomach drops when you text me, then that's good. If I refresh Google+ hoping you've messaged me back, even simply because I like our conversation, that's good. I'm done with petty conversation that's only lead to more petty conversation. Sure, Socks is is right saying I need an antidote, and that I won't find it right away. But you know, I just might.

I Never Fucking Asked You

I never asked you to say you loved me
I never asked for you to tell me
That I'm the one who makes it all better
When you are the one who makes me bitter

I'm so amazing and you mean it
I'm so delightful and you see it

But the one you see
Isn't really me you like

I never asked you to say I'm lovely
I never asked for you to be there
Yet I'm the one who'll make it all better
When you're the one who'll make me so bitter

I'm the perfect one you don't see
I'm the right one you cannot find

And you never see
What you've done to me, and us

You've never heard me say I loved you
And though it breaks me every day
You are the one who makes my life better
And I will risk my heart to be bitter


I'll never know if you mean what you say
And I don't know if I want to


(In progress)

I Love

"You begin to wonder how you've changed."

I'll be honest. It took me by surprise. The words, not the lack of action. I already knew that. I used to be okay with the way you were. I justified it. I 'understood' that you'd had it rough. I made excuses and exceptions  I can't do that for you any more  I won't do that for you.

I've loved you since the day we first talked. I knew then. I still know now. The amount of times I wish I'd never met you, still don't outweigh the tears I've cried. You do this to me. To us.

 The amount of times you apologize...I...

You tell me things. No longer do I hear them for what they are. I see them for what you wish they would mean to me. But I can't hear you. I won't.

I have accepted.

I have come to terms.

I know that 'I deserve better!' and 'You're not worth it.' Yet...I still, and stupidly still, think the opposite. I'm oppressed by you. By the thought of you. By the idea of you.

I want out, sometimes. Other times, I never want you to leave.

I know what's wrong with me, and I know what's wrong with you. You don't think I get it. Oh how wrong can one be?

I love you.
I have.
I will.



"And if I have a chance, would you let me know...?"

Black Hole

I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. 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I hate that I still do.

All By Myself

"I'm effing epic." That's my inner monologue. Why then, doesn't anyone else see it. Okay, fine, best friends and cousins in my opinion, don't count. well, co-workers...too...they have to say they like me. I'm their boss. BUT STILL. I feel like a high school girl, who doesn't understand. Maybe I need to lose weight. Or maybe, I need to get over the fact that that's a thing, or not a thing. I'm so confused, I don't know. Maybe I just need to get over the fact that I'm going to end up alone. ALONE.

Last Train Home

I've had to start taking the train in the morning. My car's clutch finally gave out on me, and the only form of speedy transportation, was the train. I now get up 3 hours earlier than I used to, in order to catch a bus, a tram, and then finally a train to get to my said destination. Strikingly, it's relaxing. No traffic, no boring 'shoot your mind out' commute. And saves on a little of the gas. Any way, so, basically, I'm putting myself in a more "relaxed state of mind. It's working a little.

I talked to my dad last night. And while I'm going to fly down to SC and see them in about 2 1/2 weeks, he'll be here Tuesday, I am so mother effing excited. I get to chill with my dad WITHOUT worrying about my step-mother.

Drugs are going well too, I guess. I mean, I'm taking mood controllers anti-depressants and I'm felling more and more like myself. More so..... I'm just worried about loosing sight of how far I've come in the past year as a person. Like for reals.  I know that all my reactions haven't been stellar, but I've made my way through a lot. First true love, then a heartbreaking rejection, being passed over for a lesser person, and now without him as a fixture in my life at all. I did all that while un-drugged. Yay me! So now, with the drugs, I'm super concerned I won't be as bad-ass and awesometastic as I was. I mean sure, I was unhappy as dead clam, but I made it. That's the thing though isn't it? I made it. What does a lifelong dependency on drugs going to make of me? Will I still be able to make it?