You're Hot And Then Cold

We date, then we're friends. And that's good for me because then I don't freak out about stuff, don't feel the need to talk to you 24/7. But I still think about you. Then I try not to listen to everyone who thinks that we'll end up together. Because I know that's what I probably want in the end....or...I don't know....


Boys are stupid

Eventually

I don't feel the need to be entertained.
I just enjoy your proximity.

And even with your unmeaning insulting,
I just feel the need to impress.

No pressure.

I don't feel the need to be adored.
I just like when you talk to me.

And even with your condescending intelligence,
I just feel the need to impress.

No pressure.

I don't feel the need to always touch, taste, kiss, and hold you...

No pressure.

Ties

So here I am. Sitting on a bus to Seattle, to have a 'friend' day with the latest conquest. Because that's what friends do right? The trek to see the other person. Perhaps this person makes them feel less depressed about their life right now. Or less depressed that their not at ECCC. (I don't want to talk about it.) But fine. I admit I still like being around him. I feel that he's on my level intellectually. That's a rarity for me. All the guys I've dated were smart in their own way....I guess. Oh, also on the topic of ex's...I found a new photo of mine. The one who mercilessly ripped out my heart and took it with him to Colorado. Him. I really have moved on. He was my first in a lot of areas. And I guess.....I did at the time, want him to be my last. Life is rarely that kind to me. He left me. Physically I was alone, Mentally however, he left me with a bunch of new problems and emotions to sort through. I didn't though. I rebounded to someone new, placed all the feelings I had on this new guy so that I didn't have to deal with how alone and rejected I felt. When the rebound went south, as they most often do, I was forced to deal with all those problems and issues I'd been refusing to acknowledge. It was difficult. It was painful. It was lonely. Yet, I did it. I've had conversations with him since, internet conversations, I honestly don't know how I'd react if I actually heard his voice again. Anyway, when I see photos of him come up on social media I no longer feel that pang of hurt and betrayal. Now I just feel, I feel, I....feel...like I miss him. Not in a creepy way, but in the way you might miss an old childhood friend. He and I did have some good times together. I digress. I'm better now than I was before. Maybe because I see new things 'could' possibly happen with the latest conquest. Or not, I know at the very minimum, I've at least gained a new friend.

Dismiss

I don't usually doubt myself. It's the people closest to me that do that for me. They plant those little seeds in my mind. Make me pick apart, even more, all the things I already do. Or maybe I convince myself that the things I experience in my life are normal, and even if they're not... my friends feel the need to remind me of that.

So I meet another person that I think I'd mesh well with. And then they make it complicated. Then I get drunk and realize that maybe they're right. That things are complicated and that even though I love the whole idea of 'black and white" that's not how I get to have it.
Let's take the most recent conquest, I thought we'd be good dating. Now we're friends with benefits, looking for another girl to bring into the bedroom. Honestly, I know that we'll eventually end up together. I mean I get him. And we all know my history with putting up with guys and their shit.

Do you ever think I'm just trying to hard? When I date someone....I'm so different from when we're just friends with benefits. I'm more poised and aware of how my behavior comes across. But when we're friends I don't care. I'm free. I love the way I am. I mean I want a relationship but if I'm not happy with the way I act when I'm in them, then what's the point?
I don't even know anymore. I don't have any single female friends who get the struggle. All of them are married. We know how I feel about that. MOVING ON. (That's shit for another post...)

So what do I do? Do I ignore the fact that I don't like how I'm wired, or do I figure out how to deal with acting human?

Tonight

When all seems lost and dark, I have no more thoughts that pull me back into the light.

Settle Down

I've been horrible about writing. I know. I've been so consumed with work. That's a lie.....you and I both know it. I've been consumed with my own unhappiness. After Clayton, I was crushed, and lets be honest, I had every reason to be. I still am. I loved him, and still do. After he left me, I took all those feelings that had been steamrolling, and put them on someone else who used my vulnerability. Obviously that ended horribly. Now I'm on some conquest to fuck my feelings away. It's kind of, and sadly, working..... I know it's horribly unhealthy.

Spiraling Down

Happiness. We never have it when we want it. It's always out of reach. We see our dearest friends having and holding the happiness that we think we deserve. It's sad. I see this in my closest friends now. I'm happy. But they don't want to see me being so. I understand. I was the same way. But I do see from a different side. I have Helen always telling me she's "Happy that I'm happy." and then simultaneously telling me my relationship is gross. I can only deal with that for so long before I start to resent them for their unhappiness. Is that wrong? I mean, I know that I was there once. And I knew how that felt. I wanted what I have now. I would have killed for it. My head is all turned around. I don't even know anymore. My emotions change with the wind it seems. When will that get better. It's been almost a year since I fell down that dark abyss. I feel like I've come so far. I can see that I have. Yet, I still struggle to hold my head above water. Still struggle not to over react to the smallest things. And then like right now, I'm super upset. A new Pandora station makes me so happy. For a second. I remember when I hear the song. How I felt. Where I was in my life. Now, I honestly don't know where this post is even going...eff...