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I've become my beloved aunt. She had what she called 'maintenance men' A guy for each day of the week. While I may be a little more disorganized than she was, I'm following happily in her footsteps. It's funny they're rated by skill, and attraction. I'm so very ridiculous and I love it. I've had an attitude change, a new outlook on life. I'm not caught up in the little worries of life. Rent and bills. and unemployment. It's trivial and stupid. Relationships also so. I mean, sure I was on the 'I need one' train, but let's be honest. That is not even worth my time. I've got 5 months before school starts. I don't need unnecessary attachment and more drama.
But speaking of drama......so I'm sleeping with Shark again. I KNOW, I KNOW....... but it's so intoxicating. I seriously have never had sex like that ever. He's on the top of my list. And will always stay there. GOD.
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5. (Who doesn't know he's not in the rotation anymore...")
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I could quote Mimi and say; "Too much?'

IDC

I'm in a state. Unemployed, single, bored. Surrounded by bad friends. Surrounded by few good ones though. I've got a new life plan. I need to be out of this state by January. I need to be gone and off on my own. I mean even though, I pretty much have been on my own for a while, this would be different. Or would it? Maybe it'd just be the same in a different location. Psh, at this point I really don't care.

Backpedal, And Then Do It Anyway...

I have this blog post sitting in my draft box. It's basically an article where I (for lack of a better word) bash the horror that is my married friends. I wrote it in an angry state, and after much self reflection, decided not to post it. I know, why am I even mentioning it. I guess I still wanted to make my feelings known. And honestly I do have a great married friend. Jaimie is awesome. Nothing changed when she got married. We still go out, get drinks, adventure, and as always talk about sex. She doesn't judge me, when my relationships fail, or when I act crazy. Her husband doesn't come up in every conversation and thank the gods. I mean I do deal with her constantly trying to set me up with her husbands best friend. But if that's all I have to deal with, then so be it.

The other one, Alex... I've been working on a speech for weeks but haven't summoned the courage to read it to her. The original post went something like this.

"The other married friend has only been with her husband for a year. They married shortly before their one year anniversary, oh, and she was NOT pregnant. She used to be a normal girl and talk about her relationship and sex, and the one day she goes; “I can't because I feel like that's betraying him.” My jaw mentally dropped. Studies have shown that after the first sexual act the feelings of infatuation don't wear off for about a year. *cough* So basically, when they do wear off, and you were stupid enough to get married before making sure you actually knew the other person, lets hope to the gods that you picked the right one. Oh, and when you're so called 'best friend' has only met your husband twice in the space of a year, it seems as though you know you're hiding something, or, you just don;t want to hear what they have to say. Fine. That's how you alienate a friend you've had for 20 years. Married friends don't walk on eggshells around you and your relationship problems, in fact they either try to hook you up with their other non-married friends, or they tell you that, and this is my favourite line; YOU JUST NEED TO STOP LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT ONE AND LET THEM COME TO YOU. (Second to; YOU REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.) Because obviously that's how it worked for them, and OBVIOUSLY it'll work with you. It makes me want to light you on fire. My sister, told me the other day that I was unrealistic for expecting my friendships with these girls to remain unchanged. I was hopeful. Now I guess it'll be breakfast once a month while I listen to you tell me how the hubby is sick and he never fold the laundry, or he sweetly made dinner for you last night, And you'll want to know how my exploits have been in the dating world. I'll be hesitant to tell you because you're no longer a true confidant or someone I can go to without being judged. Have fun with your licence and ring. It baffles me that you'll let that change your life. *shakes head*"

I admit, I was angry when I wrote that, but a lot of it still stands. I no longer know her. I am sad that she's chosen this, and yet, I feel the need to call her out on being the most effing shitty friend ever. I mean, sure, I do understand where she's coming from, but honestly, I didn't abandon any of my friends when I was in a relationship. I expect the same. Too much to ask it seems. Why can't you be better. BE EFFING BETTER.

Sharks Are Stupid

I physically, mentally, and physically can't deal with Shark any more.

So I sent him this;

I've been trying to figure out how to have this conversation with you in a medium that would actually allow you to hear what I have to say. I wasn't going to blow up your phone with a 15 page text, because personally, I really hate that.

Basically, this is something I need to get off my chest, and while your opinions are important to me, I need you to hear this first.

I told you that I liked you, that I had feelings for you. I also told you I'd had them for a while, and had never acted on them. Was I ever expecting anything to happen between us? No. You can have feelings for someone and not need them to have them in return. I say 'had'. Because originally, I thought you and I were pretty similar, logical, adventurous, and always needing sex. However, since we started sleeping together, this has proven to be the exact opposite. The way you've reacted to many thing since we started having sex, has completely killed any feelings I had. So, I guess good for you? Your emotional overreaction to everything, has made you extremely unattractive to me. The only way us sleeping together happened the last time, is because I was turned on that we were fighting. I was willing to initially deal with your crazy, because the sex was good. But honestly Kyle, no penis is worth this. Your initial offer of, a deeper friendship and no-strings-attached sex, was what I wanted. You've sadly proven that at this point, that's not a relationship you can handle. That's fine. I would still like us to remain the caliber of friends we once were, but the fact that you 'assume' the phrases; “I love you.'', “I want your babies.” or “I think we should get married.” are something that would ever come out of my mouth regarding you, insults me on the deepest level. I trusted you to not treat me any differently after we had sex. You broke that trust. If you want to continue being friends, (and dude, I really would like that), you cannot treat me like that. Ignoring this will not make it go away, in fact it will make it worse. Whether you feel the need to give me feedback on this or not, I would really like us to start talking again.

And I thought that maybe if he knew where I was coming from, we could work on our relationship and get back to where we once started. I mean would I like to continue having sex with him? OBVIOUSLY. I have never been more sexually satisfied. Which is so effing strange, because we don't even have the type of sex that I'm into. But do I think we can continue having sex with the way things are now? Not at all. His brain just doesn't seem to connect the right things together. It's odd, I'm pretty sure he's Bi-Polar, because, I've seen the same things I used to do before I was medicated, in him....another effing can of worms....

Bite Me

 I'm severely inebriated and I've never blogged when I am. So I don't know how to start this. I think that I might be the one who has feelings for Shark.... why though? I mean I know I'm attracted to him, but still. He's got plans and I don.'t. I mean, he wants to move to S.C. when he's out of the Air Force. And I'd love to move to S.C. to be with my dad. I miss my father and having a family. But Shark seems so good on paper. maybe because, I just want someone to love me, that's so sad. I know. But maybe he'd be good for me.

Sharks In The Water

So I really don't know what's become of me. I know that it's not a bad thing what I'm doing....I'm just tired. I want to have sex, sure. But I want to only have to do that with one person. TO have someone who's not gonna play you, use you, abuse your heart. I've had my fair share, as you've read, of hopes dashed, dreams crushed... I'm too trusting and I know. So why can't I just have a relationship where I don't get crazy, get a lot of sex, and have an amazing friend while at it.

It sounds impossible.

But...it happened. I mean I guess everyone knew eventually we would do something. (He might be my best friends old best friend...) But I found someone who's willing to be exactly that. While yes, there are rules, I know that it could actually work.

So yeah... I guess we'll see what happen.

Not a Bad Thing

Obviously I don't get this one. I don't get the one I want. I never do...