Not Worth It.

A cure. This ailment. Silence. Forced pleasantries. Mumbled spite. More pleasantries. Feigned ignorance. Disapproving looks. Sever. This ailment. No cure.

6

So here I sit in the same kitchen of my uncles house, watching the same show, up past everyone else, 6 YEARS LATER. I am still alive. I am still breathing. I am still living. Suicide did not get me. I tried. I have tried several times. I guess it the one time you can view failure as a success. At 18, I had no idea where my life was going. I had no hope for my future. School funding had run out, I was crashing in my uncles basement, and was jobless. I was severely depressed, and (I didn't know at the time.) struggling with Bi-Polar disorder. I just wanted to sleep until everything had worked itself out.

I hurt.

Fast forward now, 6 years later where I'm sitting in the same place as a guest. My apartment is down the street. School is around the corner. And I'm medicated so I can function. I'm choked up writing this, and I feel stupid. For what I don't know... I know that I don't need a special someone to make myself happy. That doing things like eating well, exercising, and letting my creativity flow, are things that keep me from feeling momentarily trapped. *sigh* I know that I'm not done, not by a long shot, but if I made it 6 years, then I can make it another 6, and another, and another...

Rambling Of An Enlightened Yet Curious Insomniac

Do you ever actually wonder if people read your blog? If people actually care about the meaningless things in your life. Or if you're just writing to the void? Either way, I guess the glimmer of hope that somewhere, someone see this, makes the typing and angst worth it. Maybe not. I started writing poetry again. It was good. I mean it's different now. I feel different now. And that's awesome. I mean the issues we have, we choose to let them manifest in our lives. Sure, the actions and behaviors of others I understand, yet I still don't have to condone. It's wonderful.

Feelings Revisited

So I had lunch with an old fb of mine today. We were catching up on what's new with each other and stuffs. He told me about his visit to see his mom in Florida, I told him about my plans for school. I always notice he talks about his ex a few times every time we do hang out. I mean it's normal, he was going to propose to her, so I guess some feeling still remain there. We're driving home, and somehow the topic of the conversation turns and he looks at me and says; "Yeah, you sure talk about your friend Shark a lot, like you haven't shut up about it for the last 3 hours."  Okay, so he was exaggerating. But he was a little true. I think at that moment we both knew we had some shit to figure out. He and his 'almost ex fiancee', and me and Shark. Why is everything so convoluted? I know that I don't actually want to date Shark currently. But a few years down the road, sure. Maybe when he's grown up a little. Stupid boy.

Lists

I've become my beloved aunt. She had what she called 'maintenance men' A guy for each day of the week. While I may be a little more disorganized than she was, I'm following happily in her footsteps. It's funny they're rated by skill, and attraction. I'm so very ridiculous and I love it. I've had an attitude change, a new outlook on life. I'm not caught up in the little worries of life. Rent and bills. and unemployment. It's trivial and stupid. Relationships also so. I mean, sure I was on the 'I need one' train, but let's be honest. That is not even worth my time. I've got 5 months before school starts. I don't need unnecessary attachment and more drama.
But speaking of drama......so I'm sleeping with Shark again. I KNOW, I KNOW....... but it's so intoxicating. I seriously have never had sex like that ever. He's on the top of my list. And will always stay there. GOD.
1.
2.
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4.
5. (Who doesn't know he's not in the rotation anymore...")
6.

I could quote Mimi and say; "Too much?'

IDC

I'm in a state. Unemployed, single, bored. Surrounded by bad friends. Surrounded by few good ones though. I've got a new life plan. I need to be out of this state by January. I need to be gone and off on my own. I mean even though, I pretty much have been on my own for a while, this would be different. Or would it? Maybe it'd just be the same in a different location. Psh, at this point I really don't care.

Backpedal, And Then Do It Anyway...

I have this blog post sitting in my draft box. It's basically an article where I (for lack of a better word) bash the horror that is my married friends. I wrote it in an angry state, and after much self reflection, decided not to post it. I know, why am I even mentioning it. I guess I still wanted to make my feelings known. And honestly I do have a great married friend. Jaimie is awesome. Nothing changed when she got married. We still go out, get drinks, adventure, and as always talk about sex. She doesn't judge me, when my relationships fail, or when I act crazy. Her husband doesn't come up in every conversation and thank the gods. I mean I do deal with her constantly trying to set me up with her husbands best friend. But if that's all I have to deal with, then so be it.

The other one, Alex... I've been working on a speech for weeks but haven't summoned the courage to read it to her. The original post went something like this.

"The other married friend has only been with her husband for a year. They married shortly before their one year anniversary, oh, and she was NOT pregnant. She used to be a normal girl and talk about her relationship and sex, and the one day she goes; “I can't because I feel like that's betraying him.” My jaw mentally dropped. Studies have shown that after the first sexual act the feelings of infatuation don't wear off for about a year. *cough* So basically, when they do wear off, and you were stupid enough to get married before making sure you actually knew the other person, lets hope to the gods that you picked the right one. Oh, and when you're so called 'best friend' has only met your husband twice in the space of a year, it seems as though you know you're hiding something, or, you just don;t want to hear what they have to say. Fine. That's how you alienate a friend you've had for 20 years. Married friends don't walk on eggshells around you and your relationship problems, in fact they either try to hook you up with their other non-married friends, or they tell you that, and this is my favourite line; YOU JUST NEED TO STOP LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT ONE AND LET THEM COME TO YOU. (Second to; YOU REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.) Because obviously that's how it worked for them, and OBVIOUSLY it'll work with you. It makes me want to light you on fire. My sister, told me the other day that I was unrealistic for expecting my friendships with these girls to remain unchanged. I was hopeful. Now I guess it'll be breakfast once a month while I listen to you tell me how the hubby is sick and he never fold the laundry, or he sweetly made dinner for you last night, And you'll want to know how my exploits have been in the dating world. I'll be hesitant to tell you because you're no longer a true confidant or someone I can go to without being judged. Have fun with your licence and ring. It baffles me that you'll let that change your life. *shakes head*"

I admit, I was angry when I wrote that, but a lot of it still stands. I no longer know her. I am sad that she's chosen this, and yet, I feel the need to call her out on being the most effing shitty friend ever. I mean, sure, I do understand where she's coming from, but honestly, I didn't abandon any of my friends when I was in a relationship. I expect the same. Too much to ask it seems. Why can't you be better. BE EFFING BETTER.