"New Year, New Me" Is Bullshit

IDK what inspired me to want to write again. I think someone mentioned something about starting a blog and I was like..."Oh...I have one of those..."
Anyway, it also could be a desire to have thoughts elsewhere on the internet that my Facebook friends don't see. Sounds contradictory I know... Regardless, here I am.

What's new... Looking back on a lot of these posts from college it's clear to see the rampant depression. I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder (Type 2) in  January of 2013. I didn't understand why my logical mind would betray me with out of control emotions. As soon as I got medicated, my life changed. I could handle more life problems, and work on betting myself with a clear lens. I was 22 and just starting to discover who I was. I had no idea that was the beginning of a really rough journey. I know most people over the age of 30 say that they would never want to re-live their 20's again. And I totally get it now. I went through a horribly abusive relationship, lost people I considered my closest friends, and moved to the city I'd dreamed of living in as a child. I learned to deal with horrid anxiety, and that alone I consider a win. I found ME. I loved who I was, and for the first time in almost 25 years, I was happy and confident. I didn't think things would change.

Then I met Sam in June of 2015. I didn't know when we first met, that this was something good. I'd been battle worn from sport dating through the city, and had tailored my likes and dislikes like a fine tuned machine. I, as a well knows cynic was swept off my feet. I proposed a year later. Yeah, I know....me.
He changed my mind about marriage, and commitment, something I never thought would happen.

I got a big girl job that actually paid me to live. (Actually way more...like....WAAAAAYYY more.)
We got a puppy, Sam got a job with me, and we have our first apartment together.
I still fight my own Bipolar demons, but so does Sam, and I know that he gets it.

So I look back at my early 20s, the fair-weathered friends, the shitty job and living situations, the lack of real honest to god love. And I would never, ever, want to re-live that again.




~ Eva

I Have Excuses And They Are Lame

I don't even know what to say...


It's been almost a year since I last wrote. And I feel so guilty for neglecting you.

I had a low moment tonight and I thought, "What did I always do in the past that made me less anxious...?"


Writing was it.

So...here I am. I always say that so much has happened and changed. Move, job, love, friends.
Same as last entry I guess, I mean I don't have hardly any of the friends that I used to. No my choice sadly, theirs.
You know I always used to think that something was wrong with me, and that's why people left. I now know that I put trust and faith in weak people who are easily swayed by their own emotions and by others around them. Yet, why did I choose them in the first place? Were they people that I thought were stronger than me, and that I could rely on? Were they people I believed were genuinely loyal? I don't know... I wish I did.

I've only two really good friends remaining, Jaimie and Andrew. And without them, I'd be very alone.
Alone on the friend front that is, I still have my sister, and my brother, and my boyfriend.
Yeah, I know. Who'd have thought that I'd settle down, yet find someone who'd want to date me, and even love me for all that I am.
Effing dumb luck. That's all it is. No more. The right one did eventually come along. There were no games. I knew from the beginning that he was here for me. I didn't lose any friends over him. And best of all, I finally knew what it was to just to love, and be loved in return. The greatest thing.

So while I'm still low sometimes, I can get out of the bed I share with this man I love, and write.
I can forget about work, and my own psychosis, and just type.

I miss being creative, I miss painting, I miss making music. I miss living. I miss.....it all.
So I'm trying to do that again.

At 2:30 a.m.
Hey, you gotta start sometime.






~ Eva

...

Sometimes...



~ Eva

Her

I fallen behind, I know. My apologies. My life got crazy, and now it's time to settle back into writing again.
Where should I begin.... again.....
Eff.
So............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

Just this, I have found love.
And let me tell you.
She is amazing.

I've become more me, by being with her.

And for that I am happy.

5EVA

It feels like forever. Or more accentuate 5eva. Since it's longer than forever. Ahh, I've been so very busy. SO much has happened, and I feel guilty for not writing sooner. Where to start...

Well, I got rid of a lot of the drama and negativity in my life. I have learned so much about friendship and relationships in the last year. I no longer associate with people that I once considered to be my best friends. It was tough at first, because this was all their choice and not mine. But it doesn't matter if you've had a friendship for 20 years, or 2, if those friends make you feel unwanted, unloved, of bad about yourself, they shouldn't even be in your life. Plain and simple. I've also found some really great people who have been there for me through thick and thin, they never let our relationship change, even when life and their relationships happen, and change. Those are the true gems. I am so lucky to have them.

I have moved. I'm working in the city, so it's easier for me to commute. I got a roommate too. AND HE'S AWESOME. It's interesting living people again. I mean, I don't know what I expected. People are more nice than I thought, Maybe I've been around bad people. I don't know. SO nice to have positive loving people in my life right now.

Oh, I also got called out about “passive aggressive posting about people”. I know who the two people that only read this blog to check up on my life. To that I say, if you want to know about my life, ask. I post what I want, when I want, because guess what? It's my blog. Has been since I was 16. Nothing is going to change about what I write. I don't get paid to write and hide the way I feel. Quite the opposite. SO instead of saying 'fuck you', because I'm better than that, I suggest maybe don't be so atrocious that I feel compelled to write about your actions to me? You know, just a suggestion.

Haha, that's it. All the other stuff, I'll try to get up/out soon.

We Shall See

I talked with my dear friend Sigmund today. He gave me some pretty wonderful advice about bad friends. I was comforted in the fact that the good friends I have are still there, even though I no longer have my two best friends. He told me they were idiots, and whenever a friend starts ignoring their friends for their significant others, that's when a relationship is doomed to fail. So we'll see...

Head Over Heels

I wanted to be with you alone

And talk about the weather

But traditions I can trace

Against the child in your face

Won't escape my attention

You keep your distance with a system of touch

And gentle persuasion

I'm lost in admiration, could I need you this much

Oh, you're wasting my time

You're just wasting time

Something happens and I'm head over heels

I never find out till I'm head over heels

Something happens and I'm head over heels

Ah, don't take my heart

Don't break my heart

Don't throw it away