Lucky...

I am so nervous. My current job offered me the position that I wanted and wanted for 7 months. Tomorrow, I go to prove myself. Luck. I need it.

Seriously? Why NOW?

I finally got a new job. One I wanted a while ago. It pays, it has hours. I should be ecstatic. I was surface when I got it, but after the initial shock, I didn't really care. This was the job, the lynch-pin, that my entire life was holding on to. Why can't I care? I just started making friends at my current job. Something that is almost impossible for me to do. And the boy....... I give my two weeks to my boss tomorrow. I have to weeks to make a move, or say something.... I need to. I have too many regrets when it comes to guys. I'm going to try to keep a few hours at my current job if I can, and I know I say it's for the extra money and partly it is, but now......maybe so I happen to see him. SEE!!! This is what I hate about liking someone. You start to try to incorporate them into your life, something that may not be good for you.

Gasp!

I feel. Not a lot mind you, but maybe a flicker. It always happens when someone relatively cute pays you a compliment, and then pays a little more attention to you then you are used to. And so it begins, you only feel because of the adrenaline rush. You find it horrible that you go out of your ways to make your stomach drop, your heart stop, and you stutter. And that is the only way you can feel what it used to be like. It's not the person. It's the lingerings of distant feelings. Ones I so desperately want to feel again.

Straight Jacket

It's gotten to the point where all this insanity is starting to drive me crazy. I don't want to be insane. I am perfectly fine admitting that I am not completely sane, but I'm not totally gone. I wonder what it would be like to be sane.... hmmmmm. It's a strange thing to admit your brain doesn't function normally. I'm positive that admittance will bring about it's own destruction. Eventually...........insanity will catch up with me and when it does. I think I shall invite it to have sushi.

I actually don't feel like I've even said anything. See? Just goes to show you how crazy I actually am...

Slices

It's strange to feel. Like you actually exist, like you are actually alive, like you really indeed are small. I don't feel often. But there have become many ways in which I seem to be able to grasp what I once felt... Ugh, sorry, ridiculously convoluted. It's just I miss what it used to feel like. I know that there are times when it breaks though and I can feel. It hurts. It's too much. It's a "Catch 22", you want to feel, but you know you really couldn't handle it. AT ALL. But one thing is clear, that "I need to be famous and recognized" bug has bit me again. Back to music.

Deadened

Yeah, I'm back. Not fully, but I'm still here. I guess, I see this as some small way to be social. Something that I rarely do anymore. I have force myself to get out, to take days off of work, to go places. I just......................don't really even know. Day in, and day out, all I have to deal with are people. People, who all are the same. You know, they say all people are different. Ha, no. All of them act the same, with little variants. They share their deepest secrets. They think I care. I only care about my friends (and even then.......), and yet these strangers tell me their deepest, darkest secrets. Why? I don't care. I never will. Just leave me alone. It's come to a point where I don't believe I'll ever actually feel deep emotion again. And I feel guilty, because I like that idea. Never having to deal with all the ups and down of emotions again. It sounds blissful. I know, I probably need a relationship to open me up a bit, but how do you do that if you don't want to deal with people? Catch 22, lovely. I need to move away. Start new. Soon. Or else I believe I'll die, never being able to feel again. Not feel anything. And I know I should. I think, see? Even now, I'm not sure, since I can't feel what is right for me, I'm terrified of making a horrible mistake. Maybe I need to. Maybe that would make me feel. Not an adrenaline rush, not a pointless relationship, not something to shock the norms. Eff. So wrong, so......very.......wrong. Of perhaps this is good? Maybe logic, is the answer. Trying.....thinking about something before you rush into it. Ha, that'd be new for me. But that might be what it's going to take.

My Mimi

The twentieth of August, will be scared on my conscious forever. It's strange, that when someone you love so much leaves this world, you can't even feel it. It's only later, as you hear the heartbreaking news. Death. Parents cry, friends comfort. Things are well and everyone comes together. I don't know why I can't feel like I'm even a part of it. My aunt "Mimi" was my hero. She had a no bullshit tolerance. She stood up for what she believed in. And she showed me how to function, with a dysfunctional family. I only got ten years with her. Not enough. I want to scream to the world; "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" And I know, it truly is not. She can't be gone, not when I have so much to ask her, to tell her, to show her. She left me and all she loved, just a little shocked. I said my goodbye, but I still couldn't bring my heart to mean it. It's impossible that my hero, no matter how crazy she got to be in the end is gone.

Gone.
Gone.
Gone.