A Late Night Rant Before My Drugged Brain Shut Off

I forget how fast ambien takes hold. I'll make this quick before my subconscious takes hold and wants to know if penguins have knees. Mother effing boyfriend. Yeah, I complained. Amd I got what I asked for from friends. They don't like him. But say they will try for my sake. It just.......gets so hard to keep defending his effing stuipd selfish behavior. I love him. He doesn't know. And I keep wanting to tell him, but every time, someth bad happens and I end up.....eff. WHY the fuck. Him. Me. We are supposed to be good. Why does this go bad so frequently.  And is it only for me? Is it only in my head? I need answers. I need and crave certainty. He's so amazing and he's gotten so much better. Yet half the time I feel insignificant. Me........yeah.....who the fuck would ever have the power to make me feel like that. This is what my future looks like? This is the one I may marry? Um......yes. But not before we get some serious shite straight. You don't treat me like a second class citizen. You don't treat me like I'm always going to be there. What if I'm not sure? How would you cope? Huh? What would you do without me?

Popping

We know I'm bipolar. We know I'm on meds. We know that it's helped.

Ache

Let's just say, I hate sleeping by myself now. Let's just say, the bed feels too big now. Let's just say, I miss your arms around me. Let's just say, my heart aches when you're not here.

I promised you, I wouldn't tell you anything you aren't ready to hear. I know the way that I feel, and I know the way that you feel. I love you. And I know that in some way, and maybe not yet, that you love me.

I've been alone for a long time, and now that I'm with you, I understand what people say. Once you find somebody like that, you can't ever imagine being without them.

And I truly need you now.

Get Out!

I'm starting to realize that having a relationship, is a lot harder then I even initially thought it would be. I mean, trying to see each other when you have opposite work schedules. Trying to maintain open communication. And NOT GETTING HURT WHEN YOUR FRIENDS DON'T LIKE YOUR PARTNER. The last one, has been proving to be the hardest. I mean, you want to complain, and still get advice from your friends, but when they start making opinions on the negative things you've told them, believing that they're all 100% correct on how your relationship goes, or how it works. And while you know that it's their prerogative, and they don't have all the information, you still end up angry. I don't want to share all the mushy stuff. That's mine. He's mine. If you give all that away, then you sound like you are either bragging, or.....daft. So....what do you do....?

Jump

I haven't actually sat down to write at a computer in over 3 months. I've been trying to keep up on my mobile, but I get frustrated so easily on it.

Anyway, I'm here now, and I need to talk. Really talk. You know how I've always had alternate names for people when I write about them on here? I don't have one for him. I keep trying to think of one. But I just seem to draw a blank every time.... and maybe that's good. That I'm not trying too hard to give him a different persona that I can idolize, or put on a pedestal. Maybe? He's mine. For now, and you know I just need to let that be enough. I need to. I'm consciously trying to sabotage this now. NOW. He's got a past as I do too. We're 100% honest with each other. That should be enough right? I was going to make a list of all thing things I really wanted out of our relationship, and then see what I actually got and what I didn't have from him. I'm not going to make things even more complicated. Breathe, breathe and breathe again.


I love him. I didn't think I would. I didn't think I would so soon. I didn't think I could admit it to myself either.

Well here we go, jumping in like we said we'd always do....

Too Far

Sometimes you wish you could backpedal. Take back things said in a drunken stupor. And you know that you can't, but you'd give anything for a time machine. That's where I am right now. People say that I haven't done anything wrong. But why am I so obsessed with taking my words from Saturday night back? He says; "We're fine." And he's never given me a reason to doubt him. Here I am again, waiting for a perfectly wonderful thing to fall apart. This time I'm not going to feel like I'm the reason why. I have strong feelings for him. I need to embrace them. If he can't be okay with them, then......

The Simple Things

On this fact, my mind has been changed. I never thought that online dating would be so successful for me. And really, it hasn't been. He was yhe initiator this time. I always thought that I would meet someone organically work, school, mutual friends. And this time is so different, I don't have to constantly think about whether or not he likes me because I know that he does. He tells me. He shows me. I get jealous though,  like when he's out at bars and he told me that his friends wanted him to pick up girls for them, or that he had a bartender hitting on him all night and he could have gotten free drinks. Makes me wonder if he says these things to see if I'm jealous, or if he said these things because, I don't know......because he wants to see if I want to be with him as much is he wants to be with me? Until I found out something. The little things have always spoken to me more than grand gestures.  He deactivated his dating profile and I didn't know. He knew that I deactivated mine 20 minutes before our first date. He mentioned that he could look back at our online messages and see when we first started talking. I logged back on recently to read them, and found his profile was closed. He picked me. He found me. He's dating me. I have no reason to doubt his affection, and I won't anymore.