FML

I'm miserable. 100% of me. I'm currently sitting in the back room of my store, on my laptop, during my lunch. I effing hate everything and everyone right now. I know what changed. I stopped being twtterpated, started acting Bro (as per usual...) and I thought everything was going to go back to le normal. False. First, Socks gets the one thing I wanted. Second I lose something I had. Third, it's my fault for wanting both the first and second things. Fourth, I'm effing invisible. Unbelievably invisible. Like, I get it, just tell me that's you need to step out, don't make a effing power play, and make me wait for you. Sorry, ranting is stupid. Menial. The only thing right now that's making me even a shred happy, is that I get to go visit my dad next month. But even that joy flickers when I go back to my apartment  take a shower, pour myself a glass of wine and sit on my bed with my laptop, and realize how quiet it is....... EFF. I don't even know any more. I keep waiting for something amazing to happen to me but... wait, let me rephrase that, I keep waiting for someone amazing to happen  to me, but that only seems to happen to the people who want and deserve it the least. You know, because that's fair. False. FALSE.

F
A
L
S
E
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Flight Of The Feelings

I'm not in love. I'm in adoration. I wrap my mind around, jealous comments. Jealous actions. They reaffirm all that I want to see right now. later on, those things may be the ones to make me cringe. But now, they are lift to my air plane heart. His voice, and face, make me happy the one time a week that I get to see him. The talks are on repeat in my head. Good talks, unlike the ones with guys I've had in the past. This could work, this could 'actually' be something. I'll keep everything crossed.

I'm only 22...

It's the eve of my 22nd year of existence. I'm not saddened by all I have not accomplished  Nor am I excited about all the I have yet to achieve  All I can think about it now. I wait for a message from one person. I look for things to fill my lonely heart. I'm apathetic. My dear Uncle told me that 21 was really the last birthday that really mattered. and while sad, I know he's right. Gone are the days of huge parties, and massive amounts of cake you swear you are going to eat. That's good though right? That you look fondly back. I loved all my themed parties, and amazing cakes my mother made for me. I'm finally glad to call myself an adult. I realize that I am, and after so long trying to ignore it. I get it. You'll always want to be young again. Always want to go back in time and spend that last sweet moment of bliss. So tonight, I saw what was, and that I really needed to get over the fact that I can't go back in time. Birthdays, are just days where people tell you how much they love you and tell stores about when you were little. I like this. I really do.

In My Mind

I know that I'm not a girl in most senses. I'm a logical thinker. I'm relatively unemotional. Yet, when I see someone, who's absence has made me question. Question much, that I've been denying. When I see him, I'm the happiest I've been in months. MONTHS. It's amazing and terrifying that one person can make you like that. And then there is the time that you spend trying to undo all the subtext.  Your logical brain says you are right, but you keep trying to convince yourself that it's just the girlish emotion, trying to 'do you in' .... But you wish, that maybe this time, you're right, and maybe this time, something will happen.....and you want to have hope, but you know when you do, it's always disappointing. But this time, I wouldn't care. 

Make A Mistake

I have a ridiculous Demi Lovato song stuck in my head. "Give Your Heart A Break" it's catchy....but really, I know I have better taste. But sometimes you wonder, why songs get stuck in your head? Is it the tune, or the words? Is there a deeper meaning? Maybe I over think things....see so much in little things, that really mean nothing.

Crush

Today, I still feel angry. I will for a while longer, because I know I need to let myself be. I am open about the anger problems I have. most people laugh in disbelief, and my friends don't take it seriously. Why should they, I never act out in front of them. I keep calm, cool, collected. But right now, I really want to curb stomp someone. I want to make someone feel the pain I feel. So I know I'm not alone. I don't know. I'm effed in the head. Right? That can't be normal. Can it?


"Anger is a short madness." 
- Horace

Hold

So here's how I feel right now. Abandoned, betrayed, over-dramatic. And effing pissed. My father. Enough said. He made it sound like my new life changes were in the process, and he fails to mention my move and school to my step-mother. She naturally freaks out and vetos it. Wonderful. Fine, I'll stay here with my promotion. I do things on my own, since I obviously can't count on you to try and rectify your failures as parents in the past. Thanks for that. They don't even know me, they don't seem to want to. And that's fine, really it is, but you can't make assumptions based on not knowing people, or how they live their lives now. I'm not the one who has failed. They have. I'm not the one who is limeted. They are. And I AM NOT THE ONE WHO WILL FALL. I believe I have already proven that.

It All Pays Off!

You know the saying; "When one door closes, another opens."? I'm not usually such a believer in those things. However, unknown to me, such has been happening. Big changes have presented themselves. I'm moving to the South to go back to school. I know, after four years, things finally fell into place. I honestly can't quite begin to believe it. I'm the typer of person who believes that good things never happen to people like me. I am so excited!

Goes, And Goes, And Goes.

I know I obsess, and I know that it screws with my head. It may seem like nothing, but have you ever felt like you were meant to accomplish something with one person. I know I may not be putting it quite right, not that you were meant to BE with someone. But you were meant to do so much more WITH them. I've been ignoring it for some time, but it keeps nudging and prodding, I'm trying no to think much about it. I just do this when my loneliness builds up to an intolerable point. I know how I think. Sad that I can predict how I'll react and how long it will take me to get over it.... I'll go play sappy songs on my ukulele.

Things I Remember.

I guess it's a belated "Happy New Year!" I'm hopefully getting a studio by myself in Tacoma. I have no boy, and I'm starting to realize how not okay I am with that. I know, it sounds like I've lost all my morals. That I'm simply changing, but we all know that the fact is, in then end, we just want to feel loved.

You know me. I'm horrible at feelings. I'm horrible at being me.