I don't even know what to say...It's been almost a year since I last wrote. And I feel so guilty for neglecting you.
I had a low moment tonight and I thought, "What did I always do in the past that made me less anxious...?"
Writing was it.
So...here I am. I always say that so much has happened and changed. Move, job, love, friends.
Same as last entry I guess, I mean I don't have hardly any of the friends that I used to. No my choice sadly, theirs.
You know I always used to think that something was wrong with me, and that's why people left. I now know that I put trust and faith in weak people who are easily swayed by their own emotions and by others around them. Yet, why did I choose them in the first place? Were they people that I thought were stronger than me, and that I could rely on? Were they people I believed were genuinely loyal? I don't know... I wish I did.
I've only two really good friends remaining, Jaimie and Andrew. And without them, I'd be very alone.
Alone on the friend front that is, I still have my sister, and my brother, and my boyfriend.
Yeah, I know. Who'd have thought that I'd settle down, yet find someone who'd want to date me, and even love me for all that I am.
Effing dumb luck. That's all it is. No more. The right one did eventually come along. There were no games. I knew from the beginning that he was here for me. I didn't lose any friends over him. And best of all, I finally knew what it was to just to love, and be loved in return. The greatest thing.
So while I'm still low sometimes, I can get out of the bed I share with this man I love, and write.
I can forget about work, and my own psychosis, and just type.
I miss being creative, I miss painting, I miss making music. I miss living. I miss.....it all.
So I'm trying to do that again.
At 2:30 a.m.
Hey, you gotta start sometime.
~ Eva
