Settle Down

I've been horrible about writing. I know. I've been so consumed with work. That's a lie.....you and I both know it. I've been consumed with my own unhappiness. After Clayton, I was crushed, and lets be honest, I had every reason to be. I still am. I loved him, and still do. After he left me, I took all those feelings that had been steamrolling, and put them on someone else who used my vulnerability. Obviously that ended horribly. Now I'm on some conquest to fuck my feelings away. It's kind of, and sadly, working..... I know it's horribly unhealthy.

Spiraling Down

Happiness. We never have it when we want it. It's always out of reach. We see our dearest friends having and holding the happiness that we think we deserve. It's sad. I see this in my closest friends now. I'm happy. But they don't want to see me being so. I understand. I was the same way. But I do see from a different side. I have Helen always telling me she's "Happy that I'm happy." and then simultaneously telling me my relationship is gross. I can only deal with that for so long before I start to resent them for their unhappiness. Is that wrong? I mean, I know that I was there once. And I knew how that felt. I wanted what I have now. I would have killed for it. My head is all turned around. I don't even know anymore. My emotions change with the wind it seems. When will that get better. It's been almost a year since I fell down that dark abyss. I feel like I've come so far. I can see that I have. Yet, I still struggle to hold my head above water. Still struggle not to over react to the smallest things. And then like right now, I'm super upset. A new Pandora station makes me so happy. For a second. I remember when I hear the song. How I felt. Where I was in my life. Now, I honestly don't know where this post is even going...eff...

It's Time

We talk about falling in love, we say when we find it we're going to go for it. But when we have that opportunity, all we do is sit at home over analyzing text messages, voicemails, conversations and seemingly significant looks. Do we actually jump? Do we actually fall? We might sort of, do those, but... no. What really happens is we trick our minds into thinking we're doing those things, and it isn't until months later that we realized we actually have done them. So for the first couple months, thinking that we fall in love, we jumped into a new relationship without hesitation, but really we're placating our own egos, and our own fears by saying or doing things which were not ready for. I'm there, I get it, I'm seriously there guys. I've got great advice coming from every single angle, I'm not going to lie. I still can't help but thinking I might be doing something wrong though. I want to actually mean it when I do it. I want to actually jump. I want to actually fall, to be scared.

If

If I knew you were still in love with someone else.
Yet you told me time and time again how much you actually loved me.
My heart would break.

If I told you I was still in love with someone else.
Yet told you time and time again how I actually loved you too.
Would your heart break like mine?

What if it's true?
What if your heart isn't mine.
What if my heart isn't yours.

Secrets

What I want to say is serious. What I feel is serious. Where I'm at is serious. I don't know anymore, and maybe I never have, but I thought that I knew. I was told by someone I once truly cared about, that I have the adorable nack of being extremely vague. I never tried to be vague, it just came across is wanting to share, but not knowing if I could trust. I don't know who to trust anymore. Not saying that I've been burned, but just who keeps my secret sacred? Who guards my stories with their life? I want to believe that the people I have in my life are those. But I know the truth, they are nothing of that sort. I often wonder what type of person hold everything that you hold dear, and never to shares it with anybody but you. And then it hit me. That person is supposed to be that your other half. Some call them, your soulmate, your partner in crime, your best friend. Is It a shame to want that? To long for it? And when we thing we've found it, how can we be sure?

I've Found It

I feel like I haven't even taken a minute to be a girl lately. I'm normally the logical kind, you can look back at all my posts where I consider myself to be so, and then it's followed by a really emotionally destructive rant. I never wanted my blog to be about boys, I wanted it to be about feelings and intellectual thoughts and adventures. But I think that a boy can be a part of that. I wish that I could think of a pseudonym for him. And eventually I will. I was walking home today and caught myself grinning uncontrollably, about a conversation that we had the night previous. I laugh at inside jokes the pop up in my head during the day, when he references them over text. I wrote in the past about how I wanted to jump and I wanted to fall and I didn't want to have to worry. With my ex I decided. I jumped, I fell, but I worried, worried about what I said, whether or not it was going to send the wrong impression. Or if I was coming across to clingy, or too demanding. I thought that was normal, because he still showed that he was interested. He still liked me. It wasn't until I finally got out, that I realized that wasn't true. With this boy, Nathaniel, I feel free. Stupid things, like him asking to marry me the first two days were talking, or still asking me to marry him the first time he ever met me, These things that I want to be true, in a romantic comedy type Fairytale way. I constantly think about him, and when I do I don't feel bad when I reach out to get ahold of him, because I know that he's thinking about me. He actually says it. I've never been fortunate enough to be with somebody who makes those type of feelings known to me. I always assume they are, but I always feel like I have to guess. This time, I feel so lucky. I'm going to do it again. I'm going to jump. I'm going to fall. And I might get hurt again.

It Is What It Is Not

This is not poetry. 

This is a rant.

This is not a rant.

This is a meaningless hope.

Don't leave me.

Don't end this.

I've fallen.

Hit the ground so hard.

I've flown.

Reached the clouds so exhilarating.

Don't leave me. 

Don't end this.

I believe you.

That may be a mistake.

I adore you.

That may cripple me.

Don't leave me.

Don't end this.

My thoughts rest in you.

My dreams are yours.

My hopes you can crush.

My heart you could mangle.

See, this is not poetry. 

This is my fear.

Fear you will leave.

Fear you will end this.

Fear that I have meaningless hope.

Fear that you don't love me.

( For Nathaniel.)

Singapore

I guess it seems, that late nights when I can't sleep, this blog become a source of comfort. I have been through a lot the past couple days, and I'm really trying to keep it together. The first problem with the fact that Socks is out of the country, and I feel like every single day she's gone, is another day that were are slipping apart. The second is seeing my friend Helen deal with the fact that the person she really cared about is no good for her. The third and the most heavy thing on my mind, is the fact that the new man in my life may be leaving to Singapore. For 4 entire months. He told me this all with a hypothetical tone, and he told me not to worry about it. I told him he needed to do what was best for him, and he told me that the way that I had said it, felt like I had stabbed him. What was I supposed to say? That I realize I really do love you and I don't want you leave me for 4 months? That I want you to pick me over your job even though you haven't known me long enough? That I want you to really mean what you said when you were joking and you wanted to marry me. That I want to have a new life and adventure with somebody is amazing as you are. They stop being questions don't they? And start to become, wants. In my last relationship I was faced with a situation like this. It ended up not happening, my ex did not end up going to Afghanistan for 4 months. And I was very happy. But now...this man I feel so much for, may actually disappear. I'm willing to do a long distance relationship, I really really am. That's what we've been doing so far and it's worked pretty well I believe. He called me today, and I guess I've just been in my own head thinking that he's been too busy for me, and he told me that he's been thinking about me all day. He just says stuff like that. I'm not used to hearing, and it makes me think, that he's different. When maybe he's not. But then I realized I have to stop thinking like that. I know that relationships are live and learn, and live and let live. I just want one that stays good for a while. With somebody who really does love me. And I'm starting to believe that this man actually does. I know that my best friend reads these, she should know and should ask me about it, but I was looking up the rules on getting married in a foreign country. I had this grand idea in my head that I would go visit him when he was in Singapore, and I'd come back married. Maybe they're just delusions of grandeur. I'm already really lonely person, I don't want to be anymore.

You Know You Want It

When it comes down to it, sex is just human interaction. Women are programmed to believe that sex means something, that is emotional, and that has a deeper meaning than just an orgasm. Men are programed to believe that it's something to be good at, that it doesn't mean anything, and that it's really just for fun. In my generation, sex is become so much more of an open thing to talk about, so much more than open thing to discuss with friends and family and sadly, even parents. There's one particular point that I would like to address. I was told by my mother, (well she's my aunt but has been more of a mother to me to my mother ever was. ) that because I had received sexually implicit text messages from a guy that he was not capable of a lasting, loving and functional relationship. This, I call bullshit on. Who decides that because you send naked pictures or because you send dirty text messages, that the person on the receiving end isn't fit to be in a relationship? Who says that those feelings and those wants and desires aren't actually genuine? Is it the media that tells us that sex is just a thing we do, and that romance is dead? Is it our parents who are from an older generation where that sort of thing isn't something you just do? Or is it our friends who wish they had the same opportunities, but judge us because they believe they're of higher standards? I don't know. What I do know is that in my last relationship, I tried so hard to have the sexual upper hand. I tried everything. I tried booty calls, I tried topless pictures, I tried sexting. Nothing seemed to work for me. I'm good at sex, but not at getting my partner to come over and actually participate in it. That is until now. I guess I began to realize in a new relationship, with somebody who was actually interested in me, I did indeed have the sexual upper hand. But this time, so did he. I've never been one to be turned on by words. Reading erotica never worked for me. But I would get text messages with him explicitly explaining what he wanted to do to me when he got me alone, and let's just say, I was definitely feeling it. I sent him pictures that I would have never sent anyone else, and didn't think I would ever send in general. The general idea for my friends with that he was just the one sending pictures, but I was the one who was initiating everything. He was in another state on a business trip, and we had phone sex. After this I took a step back, I had never met this guy, we had video chatted, we had texted and we had talked on the phone for endless hours. And I had let him tell me things that I didn't even believe. But while my ex had told me I was the best he'd ever been with, this was the new found power I could get used to. Confidence. Sexual confidence.  Not in a slutty way. I didn't feel like a slut. I never have felt like a slut. And then came the day when I met him and while I was initially nervous, I felt that because I had confidence given to me that I was unstoppable. We went out on a date. And I basically just made out with him in his car. But a few days later, he cut work early, and came over to my place. Don't have to tell you what happened from there. And now we're in a long distance relationship. I still send pictures. He still loses focus. It works. No worries. All because I have the knowledge that sex over text, isn't going to ruin a relationship.

Count Me Out, Count Me In

When I thought this was low. He came in. I fear my drug addled brain will never be able to love or feel like a normal person. He's funny, sweet, and a complete dork. I don't want him to be a rebound. I want him to be the real thing. I'm never good with relationships changing. I need advanced notice. So when the communication starts to fail.....I get....worried. Like it'll be the same as last time.

A Late Night Rant Before My Drugged Brain Shut Off

I forget how fast ambien takes hold. I'll make this quick before my subconscious takes hold and wants to know if penguins have knees. Mother effing boyfriend. Yeah, I complained. Amd I got what I asked for from friends. They don't like him. But say they will try for my sake. It just.......gets so hard to keep defending his effing stuipd selfish behavior. I love him. He doesn't know. And I keep wanting to tell him, but every time, someth bad happens and I end up.....eff. WHY the fuck. Him. Me. We are supposed to be good. Why does this go bad so frequently.  And is it only for me? Is it only in my head? I need answers. I need and crave certainty. He's so amazing and he's gotten so much better. Yet half the time I feel insignificant. Me........yeah.....who the fuck would ever have the power to make me feel like that. This is what my future looks like? This is the one I may marry? Um......yes. But not before we get some serious shite straight. You don't treat me like a second class citizen. You don't treat me like I'm always going to be there. What if I'm not sure? How would you cope? Huh? What would you do without me?

Popping

We know I'm bipolar. We know I'm on meds. We know that it's helped.

Ache

Let's just say, I hate sleeping by myself now. Let's just say, the bed feels too big now. Let's just say, I miss your arms around me. Let's just say, my heart aches when you're not here.

I promised you, I wouldn't tell you anything you aren't ready to hear. I know the way that I feel, and I know the way that you feel. I love you. And I know that in some way, and maybe not yet, that you love me.

I've been alone for a long time, and now that I'm with you, I understand what people say. Once you find somebody like that, you can't ever imagine being without them.

And I truly need you now.

Get Out!

I'm starting to realize that having a relationship, is a lot harder then I even initially thought it would be. I mean, trying to see each other when you have opposite work schedules. Trying to maintain open communication. And NOT GETTING HURT WHEN YOUR FRIENDS DON'T LIKE YOUR PARTNER. The last one, has been proving to be the hardest. I mean, you want to complain, and still get advice from your friends, but when they start making opinions on the negative things you've told them, believing that they're all 100% correct on how your relationship goes, or how it works. And while you know that it's their prerogative, and they don't have all the information, you still end up angry. I don't want to share all the mushy stuff. That's mine. He's mine. If you give all that away, then you sound like you are either bragging, or.....daft. So....what do you do....?

Jump

I haven't actually sat down to write at a computer in over 3 months. I've been trying to keep up on my mobile, but I get frustrated so easily on it.

Anyway, I'm here now, and I need to talk. Really talk. You know how I've always had alternate names for people when I write about them on here? I don't have one for him. I keep trying to think of one. But I just seem to draw a blank every time.... and maybe that's good. That I'm not trying too hard to give him a different persona that I can idolize, or put on a pedestal. Maybe? He's mine. For now, and you know I just need to let that be enough. I need to. I'm consciously trying to sabotage this now. NOW. He's got a past as I do too. We're 100% honest with each other. That should be enough right? I was going to make a list of all thing things I really wanted out of our relationship, and then see what I actually got and what I didn't have from him. I'm not going to make things even more complicated. Breathe, breathe and breathe again.


I love him. I didn't think I would. I didn't think I would so soon. I didn't think I could admit it to myself either.

Well here we go, jumping in like we said we'd always do....

Too Far

Sometimes you wish you could backpedal. Take back things said in a drunken stupor. And you know that you can't, but you'd give anything for a time machine. That's where I am right now. People say that I haven't done anything wrong. But why am I so obsessed with taking my words from Saturday night back? He says; "We're fine." And he's never given me a reason to doubt him. Here I am again, waiting for a perfectly wonderful thing to fall apart. This time I'm not going to feel like I'm the reason why. I have strong feelings for him. I need to embrace them. If he can't be okay with them, then......

The Simple Things

On this fact, my mind has been changed. I never thought that online dating would be so successful for me. And really, it hasn't been. He was yhe initiator this time. I always thought that I would meet someone organically work, school, mutual friends. And this time is so different, I don't have to constantly think about whether or not he likes me because I know that he does. He tells me. He shows me. I get jealous though,  like when he's out at bars and he told me that his friends wanted him to pick up girls for them, or that he had a bartender hitting on him all night and he could have gotten free drinks. Makes me wonder if he says these things to see if I'm jealous, or if he said these things because, I don't know......because he wants to see if I want to be with him as much is he wants to be with me? Until I found out something. The little things have always spoken to me more than grand gestures.  He deactivated his dating profile and I didn't know. He knew that I deactivated mine 20 minutes before our first date. He mentioned that he could look back at our online messages and see when we first started talking. I logged back on recently to read them, and found his profile was closed. He picked me. He found me. He's dating me. I have no reason to doubt his affection, and I won't anymore.

Everything I Never Wanted

I am afraid. Afraid this will end the way the others always have. I'm not supposed to second guess things, of this I'm certain.  Yet if it's in your nature, how do you override it?
My dearest Kindred sent me this at a time when I needed it most. I'm afraid he changes my mood. Makes things better, or worse. Everything I never wanted.

"I have always adored this passage, but I think it's particularly poignant for where we are at right now. And it's strangely peace-inducing."

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

I Question Your Worth

He's new. He's exciting. He likes me. He wants to be with me. He thinks I'm intelligent. I told him, I didn't know if he was going to be worth it. I told myself, this time that I would fall and have no regrets. And I want too, I really, really, really, really, really do. And I told my Kindred spirit, that I can see it, like it is if it's a waterfall, and I'm standing in the river about to fall off this cliff, and I'm about four feet from the edge, and I know that I could jump and I could fall, and it would be everything I wanted it to be. I also don't know if it's worth it, and I want it to be so badly. I feel as though my intense need for certainty is holding me back. For how do we know happiness without pain? How do we know what love is without loss? I'm not saying that I love him, I'm saying that I could. And I could do it quickly and I could fall hard I could be a hot mess. I also know that he's going through is that I don't understand. And I want to be there for him and I want to be a part of his life, but I don't know how to broach that subject. I want him so badly, and I want him to want me as much as I want him. I'm just on certain and I want him to talk to me. I miss him talking to me. I miss his voice, and I miss him. Why do I always miss the ones that never I know how much I need them to miss me?

Luck Be A Lady

Simply put, people distil my fears. I may think I'm fine with something, and then Kindred says something that makes me think of it in a completely different way. Or for example, I may just be feeling like I did something wrong, and then Socks, will tell me, that I'm fine and not to worry. I love these people. How did I get so lucky?

I'm Not As Cool As Lois Lane

I feel like only one person reads my blog. I love her dearly. I know she'll tell me she loves my posts anyway. 

I'm obsessive. I'm jealous. I'm hopeless.

I want someone to kiss me in public. I want someone to tell people I'm his girlfriend. I want someone to open doors for me. I want someone to offer to pay for dinner. I want someone who'll say "I miss you" after an hour apart. I want someone who thinks I'm adorable when I go all nerdy and he doesn't know what I'm talking about. I want someone to hold my hand. I want someone who says they are mine.

These things I want. I mean....I'm not the exception to the rule. I can't decide to be over someone, and have something perfect fall into my lap the next day. Things like that don't happen to me.


They just don't... He's not the one who will save me. He's not. I don't even know him. He won't even like me. I'm so effed up, and crazy, and he's..... he looks perfect. I've never been more sure of what I wanted in less than 48 hours. I sound for all intents and purposes, psychotic. I am certifiably crazy. 

OH MY GOD!!! 

*buriesheadinhands*

Somebody Save Me

There has been a lot that's gone on in the past few days. New job. Vacation. But the one that's most important to me; I think I may have found an antidote. His name is Clark. And while I don't want to believe he's the answer, I did go an entire day without either talking, texting, or even thinking and missing Wyoming. (On a side not, also haven't thought about sleeping with Alexander once.) And I felt like I had gotten to sleep after being awake for an entire year straight. It was magical. Just to know that I could be freed from the destruction that is Wyoming, and the hold he doesn't even know he has over me, and the one I always wanted him to have. But now...........? I mean it's been three days, I know, but I think maybe...maybe...this might be able to give me an insight. *knock on wood* I would kill to be blissfully happy again. I know know that, sometimes, I go overboard. You know when you really like someone. But now I know. If you're not into me, I'm not going to wait around for you to notice and love me.

Oh Lord

So I'm finally in SC. Finally. After months of planning, and semi-patiently waiting. I HAVE ARRIVED. But you know, the whole, culture shock thing really does get to you. I mean everyone is so nice, and it's so flat, and yeah... I mean I've only been here for 2 days but I can see the differences. My parents house is massive and they have a pool. My brothers are spoiled.....

I Have Died

The thing is, is....... Like ugh!!! Fuck! I can't do anything while everyone is there, and no one is drunk, and even then I'm not sure. Like it's the type of person who says they don't like things just to say it. And then you come to find out they do, but never told you. I like that, right? I like the honesty that comes with the douchyness? I mean, the shy half-ginge on roids can't hold my heart forever, can he??? Can....he? I sent him a valentine... and Kindred said that was bad. We're together "in a sense" again. And Socks says that's bad. I made him his favourite muffins. Was that a bad idea? Yet when Alexander mentioned he was hungry, I didn't offer to make anything like I would in the past. I get breaking patterns, and I get being different. But if Alexander thinks I'm still doing things for Wyoming, because I still like him, I mean, not like I actually give a fuck, where is that going to leave me? Oh wait, I know, alone. Kindred makes the effort and gets stuff, Socks doesn't make the effort, and still gets stuff. WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO TO GET ANYTHING!?!?!?!?!

Text Message

I think I finally get it now. I will not try and force emotion that I don't feel. If we talk, and I don't feel anything, I never will. I know me. I know how I work. If my stomach drops when you text me, then that's good. If I refresh Google+ hoping you've messaged me back, even simply because I like our conversation, that's good. I'm done with petty conversation that's only lead to more petty conversation. Sure, Socks is is right saying I need an antidote, and that I won't find it right away. But you know, I just might.

I Never Fucking Asked You

I never asked you to say you loved me
I never asked for you to tell me
That I'm the one who makes it all better
When you are the one who makes me bitter

I'm so amazing and you mean it
I'm so delightful and you see it

But the one you see
Isn't really me you like

I never asked you to say I'm lovely
I never asked for you to be there
Yet I'm the one who'll make it all better
When you're the one who'll make me so bitter

I'm the perfect one you don't see
I'm the right one you cannot find

And you never see
What you've done to me, and us

You've never heard me say I loved you
And though it breaks me every day
You are the one who makes my life better
And I will risk my heart to be bitter


I'll never know if you mean what you say
And I don't know if I want to


(In progress)

I Love

"You begin to wonder how you've changed."

I'll be honest. It took me by surprise. The words, not the lack of action. I already knew that. I used to be okay with the way you were. I justified it. I 'understood' that you'd had it rough. I made excuses and exceptions  I can't do that for you any more  I won't do that for you.

I've loved you since the day we first talked. I knew then. I still know now. The amount of times I wish I'd never met you, still don't outweigh the tears I've cried. You do this to me. To us.

 The amount of times you apologize...I...

You tell me things. No longer do I hear them for what they are. I see them for what you wish they would mean to me. But I can't hear you. I won't.

I have accepted.

I have come to terms.

I know that 'I deserve better!' and 'You're not worth it.' Yet...I still, and stupidly still, think the opposite. I'm oppressed by you. By the thought of you. By the idea of you.

I want out, sometimes. Other times, I never want you to leave.

I know what's wrong with me, and I know what's wrong with you. You don't think I get it. Oh how wrong can one be?

I love you.
I have.
I will.



"And if I have a chance, would you let me know...?"

Black Hole

I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. I hate having loved him. 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I hate that I still do.

All By Myself

"I'm effing epic." That's my inner monologue. Why then, doesn't anyone else see it. Okay, fine, best friends and cousins in my opinion, don't count. well, co-workers...too...they have to say they like me. I'm their boss. BUT STILL. I feel like a high school girl, who doesn't understand. Maybe I need to lose weight. Or maybe, I need to get over the fact that that's a thing, or not a thing. I'm so confused, I don't know. Maybe I just need to get over the fact that I'm going to end up alone. ALONE.

Last Train Home

I've had to start taking the train in the morning. My car's clutch finally gave out on me, and the only form of speedy transportation, was the train. I now get up 3 hours earlier than I used to, in order to catch a bus, a tram, and then finally a train to get to my said destination. Strikingly, it's relaxing. No traffic, no boring 'shoot your mind out' commute. And saves on a little of the gas. Any way, so, basically, I'm putting myself in a more "relaxed state of mind. It's working a little.

I talked to my dad last night. And while I'm going to fly down to SC and see them in about 2 1/2 weeks, he'll be here Tuesday, I am so mother effing excited. I get to chill with my dad WITHOUT worrying about my step-mother.

Drugs are going well too, I guess. I mean, I'm taking mood controllers anti-depressants and I'm felling more and more like myself. More so..... I'm just worried about loosing sight of how far I've come in the past year as a person. Like for reals.  I know that all my reactions haven't been stellar, but I've made my way through a lot. First true love, then a heartbreaking rejection, being passed over for a lesser person, and now without him as a fixture in my life at all. I did all that while un-drugged. Yay me! So now, with the drugs, I'm super concerned I won't be as bad-ass and awesometastic as I was. I mean sure, I was unhappy as dead clam, but I made it. That's the thing though isn't it? I made it. What does a lifelong dependency on drugs going to make of me? Will I still be able to make it?

Kindred

There's something about the mystery of meeting someone new.
The unfamiliar, the new, new, new feelings, yet the feelings are old.
You've felt them, the palpitation. The flush. The yearn.
What if you've met them once. You hold back the assumption that this time, will mean anything.
Hope, sprouts like a bud, only to wither as your logical mind creeps in.
I want so bad to have what everyone else does.
To feel that spark of the unknown. The deep, dark waters of mystery.
Mystery. The need to solve, to know, to understand.
Understand why we go last.
Not just last.
The last.
And yet....
Does it mean that we'll appreciate the mystery more?
Or will we just want to throw it away since we now have what we've craved for so long?
And maybe that is the mystery itself.
That we don't know.
Know when, or who, or how.
But we'll feel Kindred. We'll feel again.
It will be unlike anything we've thought about feelings, or yearnings, or mystery.
I promise.

Dude

I hate internet dating. It makes me feel cheap. It makes me feel pathetic. I know what I want and who I want it with. (Yay Alexander!) Yeah, I'll get the support from my best friends, but still....efffffffffffff.

It Shouldn't Concern People

Dear Alexander,
Come back from Georgia, so we can begin an extremely dysfunctional, carnal relationship with no emotional attachments. I am 100% serious.
Sincerely, Eva

Am I Still?

There is no spoon. But are there second chances, or, well, eighth chances? I mean, there's only so far you can go before I think you're too far gone to save. I'll question everything about what makes our relation work. Also, what makes it not work. There are A LOT of things that don't work. I feel like I'm justified. So justified. Kind of a lot justified. Moderately justified. Slightly justified. Maybe justified...? Oh eff off.

I Have Missed The Negative Space

We've gone a month without speaking. We've spoken at parties, pretended like nothing has happened. For a guy, you are super high drama. You'd rather avoid things, let them pass by, then deal with them. I don't know if you realize that makes me feel unworthy. Not like ''I am unworthy of your affection!!!" unworthy, but like you don't even value me as a human being. I know you probably don't mean it like that, but you're just stupid enough for it to come across that way. I've effing missed you. And while I didn't tell you what happened to me to make you feel guilty, I know you initially thought it was about you. I didn't correct that. I wanted you to feel like in a month so much could change with us, and you have. My stance on our relationship has not changed. I will only put as much effort into this as you do. No more, no less. Gone are the days of me trying to get you to notice me. Because now I know, you only notice me when I'm gone.

Control

So yesterday, I got some pretty bad news. I mean, I know it was coming, sort of. My shrink gave me 6 clinical tests, and the conclusion was, I'm "hypo-manic bi-polar II". My shrink sat me down and told me that this was super serious. I had, just minutes before told him that I felt like there was something, 'fundamentally wrong' with me. He told me there was. That I have an incurable disease, for which the treatment doesn't really exist. That I will always battle with it, the more episodes I have, the more I will continue to have. And that no matter how big my ego is, I can never, ever think I've beat it. Or controlled it. I'm going to need drugs for the rest of my life. Forever. I know it's nothing like being told you only have a short time to live, but I looked back at my life and all the bad choices and the slightly okay choices I have made, and they now make blatant sense. I started psychotherapy because I wanted control back. Yet, I will never have it.

Breathe, Damnit!

I have a customer who always comes into my store and spends a shit ton of money. He's super adorable, and super quiet. We can't talk. We talk over each other, and are super awkward bunnies. I start to wonder if there is a reason for that, but my good sense says that people are just awkward and sometimes with they're quiet they're not into you they're just shy and we remember what happened last time and not to think guys are any different and just because he's from Alaska doesn't mean they're all awkward and your ego invents shit and, and, and *gasp* So yeah... that's where I'm at, right about now.

It's Times Like These...

I feel like my hands are tied. I do love both of you, but my loyalties are going to lie with one....or the other? Even though, sometimes, I feel they shouldn't. I mean, it's your relationship. Who am I to know? But, when I feel like demands are being made that we can't talk to each other  because one of the three tells you that you're ''overstepping boundaries'' it's enough to make you pull your gorgeous red hair out. I'm torn...
So also, now that I'm on drugs, I focus better, and I'm less explosive. I sometimes feel like this new version of me isn't living. I apparently back to being the snarky minx, I always was... that is before life dementored my happiness... BUT, I'm trying to let new experiences and people pave the way for a new chapter. I sound like a hippie. Shit. Well... eff.....

The Last Time You Call On Me

I'm really done. I'm kind of blearily in shock, but almost accepting as if I already knew all along. I've looked for the best, overlooked the worst, and gone above and beyond as a friend. We're "cool", but you can't not treat me like it, and then expect me to act like we're "cool". I'm so far above you. I used to think you were so interesting. I wanted to know you, and I wanted you to know me. But obviously, you don't care as much a you tell me, you don't love me. I wanted to believe you when you told me you did. But your actions speak louder than words. I've been needing a reason to walk away for a long while now. I never wanted this to be why. Yet, I know it had to be this or I'd never leave. To quote Martha Jones; "This is me... Getting out."

You've Cat To Be Kitten Me Right Meow

I get it. I demand a lot. I'm admittedly high maintenance. While it's something I wish I wasn't, it's something I consistently deal with. I hold other people to the almost unattainable high standards I hold myself to. Seriously, I don't think it's really that hard to hit them, as long as your not an inbreed. Like for example, don't tell me to meet you somewhere and then not be there, because you're spending the day with your new boyfriend. You're not 15. Don't tell me you want to spend time with me, and then invite your new girlfriend and ignore me all night. Again, you're not 15. I guess, I just think that if you say you want to do something, you're honest about it. I am. But then 'apparently' I think wrong. I'm jealous of the time you don't spend with me, when you say you want to. I totally understand a new relationship. But think about when that's gone, who will still be here. Me. Always me. However, now I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't be. I mean I think they'll always  assume that I'll be there, so why worry about it? I need people, who make time for me first, not as an added second thought. I only really have one of those, my kindred spirit. And even though I know that she sometimes thinks I'm acting irrational, she still gets why I'm acting so. I've never had to deal with this kind of effing shit from her.