I've Found It

I feel like I haven't even taken a minute to be a girl lately. I'm normally the logical kind, you can look back at all my posts where I consider myself to be so, and then it's followed by a really emotionally destructive rant. I never wanted my blog to be about boys, I wanted it to be about feelings and intellectual thoughts and adventures. But I think that a boy can be a part of that. I wish that I could think of a pseudonym for him. And eventually I will. I was walking home today and caught myself grinning uncontrollably, about a conversation that we had the night previous. I laugh at inside jokes the pop up in my head during the day, when he references them over text. I wrote in the past about how I wanted to jump and I wanted to fall and I didn't want to have to worry. With my ex I decided. I jumped, I fell, but I worried, worried about what I said, whether or not it was going to send the wrong impression. Or if I was coming across to clingy, or too demanding. I thought that was normal, because he still showed that he was interested. He still liked me. It wasn't until I finally got out, that I realized that wasn't true. With this boy, Nathaniel, I feel free. Stupid things, like him asking to marry me the first two days were talking, or still asking me to marry him the first time he ever met me, These things that I want to be true, in a romantic comedy type Fairytale way. I constantly think about him, and when I do I don't feel bad when I reach out to get ahold of him, because I know that he's thinking about me. He actually says it. I've never been fortunate enough to be with somebody who makes those type of feelings known to me. I always assume they are, but I always feel like I have to guess. This time, I feel so lucky. I'm going to do it again. I'm going to jump. I'm going to fall. And I might get hurt again.