Spiraling Down

Happiness. We never have it when we want it. It's always out of reach. We see our dearest friends having and holding the happiness that we think we deserve. It's sad. I see this in my closest friends now. I'm happy. But they don't want to see me being so. I understand. I was the same way. But I do see from a different side. I have Helen always telling me she's "Happy that I'm happy." and then simultaneously telling me my relationship is gross. I can only deal with that for so long before I start to resent them for their unhappiness. Is that wrong? I mean, I know that I was there once. And I knew how that felt. I wanted what I have now. I would have killed for it. My head is all turned around. I don't even know anymore. My emotions change with the wind it seems. When will that get better. It's been almost a year since I fell down that dark abyss. I feel like I've come so far. I can see that I have. Yet, I still struggle to hold my head above water. Still struggle not to over react to the smallest things. And then like right now, I'm super upset. A new Pandora station makes me so happy. For a second. I remember when I hear the song. How I felt. Where I was in my life. Now, I honestly don't know where this post is even going...eff...