Safety

I've been told that I need to post something new. Yet I feel like I'm a fraud if I try and post something when I have nothing to say. I've been told, I always have something to say. Riiiiiiiight........ So what do I say? Continue rambling on how unhappy I am with my life? Or should I complain on how my entire family has excommunicated me? Oh oh oh!!! Maybe you would like to take a look into my self loathing? No? Then perhaps my loneliness, or the fact that I hide from everyone and the face I show all my friends is a lie? I ask a lot of questions for someone trying to disappear, huh? Damn, another question. I shall settle on a topic, I suppose. Boys........they ruin everything. I'm blissfully sleeping, and on some insignificant adventure, when in my dream I realize that I have a child. A boy I happen to slightly likes baby. And if that wasn't bad enough, I dream it again. I'm pretty solid in the fact that I don't want children. So why am I dreaming about having one? Perhaps it's a subconscious inability to let go of my own childhood, and actually GROW UP. I can't seem to do that. I'm at the point where if I don't grow up, I'm gonna drown. Seriously. I want to be 5. When Santa and the Tooth Fairy were real, and bed time stories were magical, and piggy-back rides were mandatory. Sandboxes were where it was at, Popsicles were the bomb, and the sprinkler made you happy. I'm 19. I'm 5. I'm done with growing up. I can't. It hurts and I don't like it. I will throw a fit. I will scream. I will stick my tongue out. *sigh* I can dream can't I? No wait, those are being invaded by my supposed future children. Where the hell can I be safe? Damnit.

Dreams

I was having a conversation with a beloved friend. Only this time, it was about his recent heartbreak, and he told me about a dream he had. I, being sometimes able to see things others don't, (We'll get to that later) saw all the subconscious things in his dream that he, I guess, couldn't see. Weather I "actually" could or not is up for debate. Yet, while looking at what he had written, I couldn't help but think that maybe, I was kind of correct. A little. Not a lot.....okay maybe a ton. Still.............. I may just have something here.

~ ~ ~

Theodore

I have had this reoccurring dream that I would be walking down the hall, this pulsing pain in my temple, and I would just faint, and I would wake up in the hospital, and expect my mom to be right at my bedside, but it was Brent.

Eva

Well, that makes perfect sense.

Theodore

Please explain.

Eva

1) The hall: It's a metaphor to a crossover in your life, a passage to a new year.

2) The pain in your temple: Results from you thinking to much on the subject of Brent and you and the ''what- ifs".

3) Fainting: the ceasing to exist for a time when you can feel nothing and be nothing.

4) Hospital: A desire to be fixed and cured of you adoring of pain. a.k.a. Brent. You want him to be gone. He's like an infection.

5) Your mother: Obviously, You want a comforting familiar presence. This is usually the mother. Or the version we wish existed.

6) Brent being there instead: You want him to repent for all he did and actually care. You want him to come to your rescue. And be a comfort because your heart hurts.

~ ~ ~

I think that was quite EPIC.

Save Me I'm Lost

I feel like I'm stuck in a giant black hole. Nothing I can do helps me to get out. I have nothing. I wish I could be little again, and not have to worry, but I do... I barely have the strength to get out of bed. And even then that sometimes doesn't happen. I miss being happy, and having a purpose. I miss just being. Damnit, what is wrong with me? Spiraling, spiraling, spiraling. Never happy always, haunted. You wonder if maybe there is some thing that will snap you out of this reverie. No. No. No. You stay living in the shadows.