Deadened

Yeah, I'm back. Not fully, but I'm still here. I guess, I see this as some small way to be social. Something that I rarely do anymore. I have force myself to get out, to take days off of work, to go places. I just......................don't really even know. Day in, and day out, all I have to deal with are people. People, who all are the same. You know, they say all people are different. Ha, no. All of them act the same, with little variants. They share their deepest secrets. They think I care. I only care about my friends (and even then.......), and yet these strangers tell me their deepest, darkest secrets. Why? I don't care. I never will. Just leave me alone. It's come to a point where I don't believe I'll ever actually feel deep emotion again. And I feel guilty, because I like that idea. Never having to deal with all the ups and down of emotions again. It sounds blissful. I know, I probably need a relationship to open me up a bit, but how do you do that if you don't want to deal with people? Catch 22, lovely. I need to move away. Start new. Soon. Or else I believe I'll die, never being able to feel again. Not feel anything. And I know I should. I think, see? Even now, I'm not sure, since I can't feel what is right for me, I'm terrified of making a horrible mistake. Maybe I need to. Maybe that would make me feel. Not an adrenaline rush, not a pointless relationship, not something to shock the norms. Eff. So wrong, so......very.......wrong. Of perhaps this is good? Maybe logic, is the answer. Trying.....thinking about something before you rush into it. Ha, that'd be new for me. But that might be what it's going to take.