I've Got Dreams.

It's funny, Socks and I had a conversation about the subconcious, and truly, I still remain perplexed. I on one hand think of the subconsious as a completely different part of your psyche.

Losing Ground

So all worry aside. I managed to land myself a new job. Woot! Nervous of course. But a new beginning nevertheless. It's just got me thinking. How many times could I have started over? Moved, meet new people, traveled? I feel like I'm behind in this race of life. I know I'm not, I'm nearly 21 and still have my life ahead of me. I just can't help thinking that, maybe, I'll somehow lose. What makes me special Out of the ordinary? No, not even. We all think we are special, but deep down inside we know we are just as average as the rest of the lot.

My Mimi Is Gone

It's been a year since my Aunt Mary (Mimi) passed at 49, in her sleep. Not a day goes by that I don't think of her, and feel a pang in my chest when I want to tell her something. I think back a year ago, when I got the news. Logically, it did not make sense. She couldn't be gone. She was supposed to be here forever. Even to this day, whenever I'm up in Seattle, I think to myself; "I should stop by and visit with my Mimi...." And then it hits me, I can't. Never again will I get a hug from her. Never again will I get to share a pot of Earl Grey tea with her. Never again will I hear that I'm her "Mini Me", and actually have it mean something. I've come so far, and achieved so mush in the past year, that I wish I could tell her. I hope that she would be proud of me. I drove up to Seattle today, and let a single red balloon go, right in front of her old apartment. I attached a note to the balloon, with the foolish hope, that it might, somehow reach her. All it said was; "I miss you." That is an understatement. I pine, and I ache for her. Yet, I know, she'd give me a severe talking to, if I continued to be depressed by her absolute, absence. So I wear her rings, and know that she loved me so much, and if she could have chosen, she'd still be here. For me, for her sister, for her family. She would have...

<3

Get out...

Look , I am the first to admit I have an obsessive personality. I hate it. However, it's true. When I can't get someone out of my mind, I try to think of ways to get them out, which in the end, keeps me thinking about them longer. Catch 22....Eff.

Commence Mental Destruction

I know, I know..... It's been forever. I feel deeply ashamed. I've just been so busy, working, surviving, trying to forget how actually unhappy I am. I think I am in dire need of a hug. And while I'm usually not a very physical person, I really could use one. I'm so scared right now. How do I tell my roommate/brother, that I only have enough money for next months rent, but if I can't find a job, we're screwed.....??? How do I tell my step-dad, that I can't give him the money I owe him for my car payment, because I need to pay my rent? How do I buy groceries? How do I buy gas? How do I tell my dad in South Carolina, that I'm not doing as 'fantastically' as he left me? I DON'T EFFING KNOW!!!

*breathe*

I need to focus, relax, and try not to explode in rage.

I CAN do this. I CAN be calm. I CAN find work.

I think......

On a side note, now that I have more time on my hands, and more time to think.....I've been thinking an awful lot about Keagan..... who, mind you, I haven't seen in over three years.......I wonder what that means.........

*huff*

*sigh*

Bother.

2 Weeks

I just gave my 2 weeks notice to my job of over a year, when I found out they were going to try and fire me. ME. Good GOD. I carried that store, and when my boss came back, no thanks, no gratitude. And then she told everyone she was going to fire me. Everyone know before I did. The amount of unprofessionalism astonishes me. I am truly saddened that I worked my arse off for a company, and I don't even get rewarded. Eff.

And now I don't have one to replace it...........

Refresh. Refresh. Refresh. And Then Some.

So remember last year, that guy I so discreetly mentioned.....in my post "Awkwardness"? Let's just say......I contacted him...... (So many ellipsis!!!) He sounds so awesome. And I really want me meet him. So much so in fact, that I'm checking my email every 5 minutes to see if he's written me back. He hasn't. You know, as well as I do that I have a whole effing lot of regrets. And while I knew it was unwise to start something with him last year in my horrid state, I can't help but thinking, that I may be too late. That I've missed my chance. He's been in the back of my mind for a year. That should tell me something. But have I been in his? How any other girls has he met? Does he now love one of them? Have I missed the most perfect person ever? Right, I'm getting ahead of myself, but seriously! I think all this and it's starting to drive me mad. Why won't he just get online and let me know. See, I also happen to think, I won't be awesome enough for him. (In real life, yes, but not on paper.) ARGH!


Eff.

Home...?

Apartment hunting is a hassle. I want to be in and settled now. I worry, filling out the application, much like college apps, that I won't get in. Because of certain reasons. I hope I can though, create my own home, and finally not have to worry about being kicked out due to personality differences or lake of religious commitment. EXCITED.

Lucky...

I am so nervous. My current job offered me the position that I wanted and wanted for 7 months. Tomorrow, I go to prove myself. Luck. I need it.