Me

I'm panicked. I have spent a few months convincing myself that I'm fine. That's as usual, something will work out. It wasn't until last night, that I realized, as many people that I have put my trust in, who have failed me at one time or another, there is one person who never has. I know that it's so stupid. But I've never failed me. I always pulled "us", myself and I, out of bad situations. I mean, seriously, I'm the one who never really has the option to give up. I guess you could say that's an unfair advantage over the ones that have left me. I don't have a choice to leave, well, in one way I do, but we've realized that's not something we'll be doing anytime soon. So I put my faith in me. I look to myself for salvation. Sure, is it misguided? Absolutely. Is it narcissistic? Obviously. Is it whats going to work for me in this dark, dark, time right now? Yes. And eff everything else. The friends who've abandoned me in this hour. Because while I've been there, when they come crawling back, I don't know if this time I will be. Because at this point why? If you surround yourself with people who are so easily distracted by a significant other, you will always feel like a side issue when they're in relationships. When they're not, sure, they'll go out with you, cry with you, laugh with you. However, as soon as they enter into a relationship, they'll go two months without initiating contact. You know if you ever were to call them out on that, they'd blame work, and the fact that "That's why the relationship between you two works so well, because you don't always have to see each other." And yet, you know that you're the one making the effort, and getting nothing out of it. Or you have the opposite, the ones who'll claim "That you're making them choose between their S.O. and your friendship." You'll gently tell them if that's how they look at it, they've obviously made a choice. You've seen the heartache that they've had to go through, and they've seen yours. But you never chose a S.O. over them. So maybe that's why I've decided to focus on me. I'm leaving this place. I know that they'll eventually regret that they didn't get to spend the last couple months with me. Their loss. As vindictive as I am, that prospect makes me happy. To hear the phrase "I just wish we could have hung out more before you left." Internally, and possibly externally, I will laugh. While this part is still in process I will actually be able to say something along the lines of: "You made that choice."

Gasp

Frustration. I can't deal with all of it, and I know it comes out at the most in opportune moments. As much as I try and meditate and control my breathing..........IT'S NOT HELPING.

Not Worth It.

A cure. This ailment. Silence. Forced pleasantries. Mumbled spite. More pleasantries. Feigned ignorance. Disapproving looks. Sever. This ailment. No cure.

6

So here I sit in the same kitchen of my uncles house, watching the same show, up past everyone else, 6 YEARS LATER. I am still alive. I am still breathing. I am still living. Suicide did not get me. I tried. I have tried several times. I guess it the one time you can view failure as a success. At 18, I had no idea where my life was going. I had no hope for my future. School funding had run out, I was crashing in my uncles basement, and was jobless. I was severely depressed, and (I didn't know at the time.) struggling with Bi-Polar disorder. I just wanted to sleep until everything had worked itself out.

I hurt.

Fast forward now, 6 years later where I'm sitting in the same place as a guest. My apartment is down the street. School is around the corner. And I'm medicated so I can function. I'm choked up writing this, and I feel stupid. For what I don't know... I know that I don't need a special someone to make myself happy. That doing things like eating well, exercising, and letting my creativity flow, are things that keep me from feeling momentarily trapped. *sigh* I know that I'm not done, not by a long shot, but if I made it 6 years, then I can make it another 6, and another, and another...

Rambling Of An Enlightened Yet Curious Insomniac

Do you ever actually wonder if people read your blog? If people actually care about the meaningless things in your life. Or if you're just writing to the void? Either way, I guess the glimmer of hope that somewhere, someone see this, makes the typing and angst worth it. Maybe not. I started writing poetry again. It was good. I mean it's different now. I feel different now. And that's awesome. I mean the issues we have, we choose to let them manifest in our lives. Sure, the actions and behaviors of others I understand, yet I still don't have to condone. It's wonderful.

Feelings Revisited

So I had lunch with an old fb of mine today. We were catching up on what's new with each other and stuffs. He told me about his visit to see his mom in Florida, I told him about my plans for school. I always notice he talks about his ex a few times every time we do hang out. I mean it's normal, he was going to propose to her, so I guess some feeling still remain there. We're driving home, and somehow the topic of the conversation turns and he looks at me and says; "Yeah, you sure talk about your friend Shark a lot, like you haven't shut up about it for the last 3 hours."  Okay, so he was exaggerating. But he was a little true. I think at that moment we both knew we had some shit to figure out. He and his 'almost ex fiancee', and me and Shark. Why is everything so convoluted? I know that I don't actually want to date Shark currently. But a few years down the road, sure. Maybe when he's grown up a little. Stupid boy.

Lists

I've become my beloved aunt. She had what she called 'maintenance men' A guy for each day of the week. While I may be a little more disorganized than she was, I'm following happily in her footsteps. It's funny they're rated by skill, and attraction. I'm so very ridiculous and I love it. I've had an attitude change, a new outlook on life. I'm not caught up in the little worries of life. Rent and bills. and unemployment. It's trivial and stupid. Relationships also so. I mean, sure I was on the 'I need one' train, but let's be honest. That is not even worth my time. I've got 5 months before school starts. I don't need unnecessary attachment and more drama.
But speaking of drama......so I'm sleeping with Shark again. I KNOW, I KNOW....... but it's so intoxicating. I seriously have never had sex like that ever. He's on the top of my list. And will always stay there. GOD.
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5. (Who doesn't know he's not in the rotation anymore...")
6.

I could quote Mimi and say; "Too much?'