Me

I'm panicked. I have spent a few months convincing myself that I'm fine. That's as usual, something will work out. It wasn't until last night, that I realized, as many people that I have put my trust in, who have failed me at one time or another, there is one person who never has. I know that it's so stupid. But I've never failed me. I always pulled "us", myself and I, out of bad situations. I mean, seriously, I'm the one who never really has the option to give up. I guess you could say that's an unfair advantage over the ones that have left me. I don't have a choice to leave, well, in one way I do, but we've realized that's not something we'll be doing anytime soon. So I put my faith in me. I look to myself for salvation. Sure, is it misguided? Absolutely. Is it narcissistic? Obviously. Is it whats going to work for me in this dark, dark, time right now? Yes. And eff everything else. The friends who've abandoned me in this hour. Because while I've been there, when they come crawling back, I don't know if this time I will be. Because at this point why? If you surround yourself with people who are so easily distracted by a significant other, you will always feel like a side issue when they're in relationships. When they're not, sure, they'll go out with you, cry with you, laugh with you. However, as soon as they enter into a relationship, they'll go two months without initiating contact. You know if you ever were to call them out on that, they'd blame work, and the fact that "That's why the relationship between you two works so well, because you don't always have to see each other." And yet, you know that you're the one making the effort, and getting nothing out of it. Or you have the opposite, the ones who'll claim "That you're making them choose between their S.O. and your friendship." You'll gently tell them if that's how they look at it, they've obviously made a choice. You've seen the heartache that they've had to go through, and they've seen yours. But you never chose a S.O. over them. So maybe that's why I've decided to focus on me. I'm leaving this place. I know that they'll eventually regret that they didn't get to spend the last couple months with me. Their loss. As vindictive as I am, that prospect makes me happy. To hear the phrase "I just wish we could have hung out more before you left." Internally, and possibly externally, I will laugh. While this part is still in process I will actually be able to say something along the lines of: "You made that choice."