Socksisms -- #1

Loneliness is the worst disease, because the cure is just as painful as the affliction.

endeavour

there are 2 different kinds of lovers.

the first;

they love until their hearts bleed out.

the second;

they let the other person put in the effort and time and enjoy it.

the first usually fall for the second.

it would be amazing for two firsts, or two seconds to find each other.

never, it seems is this the case.

there are those who come right out and say they like you...... firsts.

there are those who hide behind moving vans and run from you in crowded rooms...... seconds

there are those afraid of breaking hearts......firsts

there are those afraid of getting theirs broken......seconds.

there are those who find no reason to stay......firsts

there are those who find no reason to leave......seconds

the world is divided between firsts and seconds.

why must the firsts fall for the seconds?

who ever truly taught us how to love?

Was I wrong to leave?

I got a letter from my little sister today;

hi eva i miss you you r the best sistr i evre had come home plese come home no budeye hads u sistr like you mom and dad missie you miles and bubbie missie you and I MISS YOU VERE MUCH love summer.

It made me cry.

Sleep

I've been trying for a few days...or weeks to get my body back into a "normal" sleep patteren. And so far........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ sorry, yeah, nothing is working. Is it time?

Endgame

There is something that keeps bothering me. It shows up in my Facebook updates. It shows up in the mail disguised in embossed little envelopes. Engagement. And not just ordinary engagement, the engagements of my friends. Near and far. It seems like just a few years ago we were doing makeup and whining about cute boys.....actually, that was a few years ago. I'm only 19 and while some of my friends are a tish bit older. I find more and more of them seem to be getting ready to commit to monogamy indefinably. I don't thinks it just marriage I have a problem with. It's marrying THIS young. I mean, you only have on life (If you aren't one for reincarnation) and you'd want to give up your 20's for marriage? To me, that screams mental. And while they may be euphoric in their new found bliss, you have to wonder if when they are 40, if they look back and wonder what it might have been like to be single and invincible and only 20. Eh...marriage not for me. And while I'm happy for my friends, I can;t help but felling sorry for them. in my book; Marriage = Game Over.

Mr. Brightside

I hate being jealous. Hate as in loath. Loath as in despise. Despise as in....well, you get my point. But when you work hard for something, you do expect at least a small amount of success. Correct? But when you see someone you care about do nothing, and get everything you've been striving for, a good throttling is in order, me thinks. Or not. Still, I begin to be jealous, of my best friend. I'm not supposed to be like that. I'm supposed to be supportive and caring. Not a cynic and realist. But while I used to be a romantic, that part of me is dead. And I wish I wasn't the one who killed it. Because now, I might not be so jealous.

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea,

Swimming through sick lullabies,

Choking on your alibi.

But it's just the price I pay,

Destiny is calling me.

Open up my eager eyes

'Cause I'm Mr Brightside.

Lost

While Insomnia seems to be the new trend in music, I find it incredibly annoying. Even if I try to set my sleep cycle to where I'm up at 7 a.m. and try to go to sleep at, well at least 10 p.m. I'll still lie in bed for hours and hours thinking and getting more and more frustrated that I can't fall asleep. My body is tired but my mind won't shut up. It's the things my mind thinks that I need to focus on. Like my failure of a life or, the fact that I'm mostly alone. Like even now when trying to write, my cousin, comes and wants to talk. I put this aside. But instead of talking about the mixed messages she's getting from this boy, she goes of on me about how mean I am to her dog. I'm effing allergic to animals, and he's a huge foul smelling dog, that invades personal space and is ill behaved. Yeah, sorry I don't want a smelly stupid dog drooling all over me. So since I stood up for myself I'm in the kitchen alone. Again. See, this is what my mind want's to think about during the night. Like why my cousin is being all snooty with my lately, I can't figure it out. And honestly, I could care less about it at 3 a.m. So.....my point......yes well, I can't sleep. I'll sit awake watching re-re-runs of House on Hulu, with a box of graham crackers. It also may be that I really have no one to talk to anymore. I used to have Socks, but she's got her own issues and even if she thinks that she can handle mine she can't. So even though I promised to let her in, I can't. She can't deal with it. And now I've even lost my profound train of thought because of her being a twit. Eff.

Nothing Changes

All this about years making a difference, I never usually believe it. But I do believe 19 is better than 18...well it was...is...I got kicked out of my dad's house by my step-mom, and while I always told him he should pick her over me, I think that this time, he should have picked me. I follow rules, some of the time. I'm just not one for tons of structure. Maybe that will hurt me eventually. But seriously, I don't believe that trying to be like my step-mom is going to help me. Anyway, I get kicked out which puts my dad in a tough spot. And now he is concerned that I am going to end up a dead beat, or in a abusive relationship. Seriously? Please.