A Late Night Rant Before My Drugged Brain Shut Off

I forget how fast ambien takes hold. I'll make this quick before my subconscious takes hold and wants to know if penguins have knees. Mother effing boyfriend. Yeah, I complained. Amd I got what I asked for from friends. They don't like him. But say they will try for my sake. It just.......gets so hard to keep defending his effing stuipd selfish behavior. I love him. He doesn't know. And I keep wanting to tell him, but every time, someth bad happens and I end up.....eff. WHY the fuck. Him. Me. We are supposed to be good. Why does this go bad so frequently.  And is it only for me? Is it only in my head? I need answers. I need and crave certainty. He's so amazing and he's gotten so much better. Yet half the time I feel insignificant. Me........yeah.....who the fuck would ever have the power to make me feel like that. This is what my future looks like? This is the one I may marry? Um......yes. But not before we get some serious shite straight. You don't treat me like a second class citizen. You don't treat me like I'm always going to be there. What if I'm not sure? How would you cope? Huh? What would you do without me?

Popping

We know I'm bipolar. We know I'm on meds. We know that it's helped.

Ache

Let's just say, I hate sleeping by myself now. Let's just say, the bed feels too big now. Let's just say, I miss your arms around me. Let's just say, my heart aches when you're not here.

I promised you, I wouldn't tell you anything you aren't ready to hear. I know the way that I feel, and I know the way that you feel. I love you. And I know that in some way, and maybe not yet, that you love me.

I've been alone for a long time, and now that I'm with you, I understand what people say. Once you find somebody like that, you can't ever imagine being without them.

And I truly need you now.

Get Out!

I'm starting to realize that having a relationship, is a lot harder then I even initially thought it would be. I mean, trying to see each other when you have opposite work schedules. Trying to maintain open communication. And NOT GETTING HURT WHEN YOUR FRIENDS DON'T LIKE YOUR PARTNER. The last one, has been proving to be the hardest. I mean, you want to complain, and still get advice from your friends, but when they start making opinions on the negative things you've told them, believing that they're all 100% correct on how your relationship goes, or how it works. And while you know that it's their prerogative, and they don't have all the information, you still end up angry. I don't want to share all the mushy stuff. That's mine. He's mine. If you give all that away, then you sound like you are either bragging, or.....daft. So....what do you do....?