Dismiss

I don't usually doubt myself. It's the people closest to me that do that for me. They plant those little seeds in my mind. Make me pick apart, even more, all the things I already do. Or maybe I convince myself that the things I experience in my life are normal, and even if they're not... my friends feel the need to remind me of that.

So I meet another person that I think I'd mesh well with. And then they make it complicated. Then I get drunk and realize that maybe they're right. That things are complicated and that even though I love the whole idea of 'black and white" that's not how I get to have it.
Let's take the most recent conquest, I thought we'd be good dating. Now we're friends with benefits, looking for another girl to bring into the bedroom. Honestly, I know that we'll eventually end up together. I mean I get him. And we all know my history with putting up with guys and their shit.

Do you ever think I'm just trying to hard? When I date someone....I'm so different from when we're just friends with benefits. I'm more poised and aware of how my behavior comes across. But when we're friends I don't care. I'm free. I love the way I am. I mean I want a relationship but if I'm not happy with the way I act when I'm in them, then what's the point?
I don't even know anymore. I don't have any single female friends who get the struggle. All of them are married. We know how I feel about that. MOVING ON. (That's shit for another post...)

So what do I do? Do I ignore the fact that I don't like how I'm wired, or do I figure out how to deal with acting human?