The Simple Things

On this fact, my mind has been changed. I never thought that online dating would be so successful for me. And really, it hasn't been. He was yhe initiator this time. I always thought that I would meet someone organically work, school, mutual friends. And this time is so different, I don't have to constantly think about whether or not he likes me because I know that he does. He tells me. He shows me. I get jealous though,  like when he's out at bars and he told me that his friends wanted him to pick up girls for them, or that he had a bartender hitting on him all night and he could have gotten free drinks. Makes me wonder if he says these things to see if I'm jealous, or if he said these things because, I don't know......because he wants to see if I want to be with him as much is he wants to be with me? Until I found out something. The little things have always spoken to me more than grand gestures.  He deactivated his dating profile and I didn't know. He knew that I deactivated mine 20 minutes before our first date. He mentioned that he could look back at our online messages and see when we first started talking. I logged back on recently to read them, and found his profile was closed. He picked me. He found me. He's dating me. I have no reason to doubt his affection, and I won't anymore.

Everything I Never Wanted

I am afraid. Afraid this will end the way the others always have. I'm not supposed to second guess things, of this I'm certain.  Yet if it's in your nature, how do you override it?
My dearest Kindred sent me this at a time when I needed it most. I'm afraid he changes my mood. Makes things better, or worse. Everything I never wanted.

"I have always adored this passage, but I think it's particularly poignant for where we are at right now. And it's strangely peace-inducing."

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

I Question Your Worth

He's new. He's exciting. He likes me. He wants to be with me. He thinks I'm intelligent. I told him, I didn't know if he was going to be worth it. I told myself, this time that I would fall and have no regrets. And I want too, I really, really, really, really, really do. And I told my Kindred spirit, that I can see it, like it is if it's a waterfall, and I'm standing in the river about to fall off this cliff, and I'm about four feet from the edge, and I know that I could jump and I could fall, and it would be everything I wanted it to be. I also don't know if it's worth it, and I want it to be so badly. I feel as though my intense need for certainty is holding me back. For how do we know happiness without pain? How do we know what love is without loss? I'm not saying that I love him, I'm saying that I could. And I could do it quickly and I could fall hard I could be a hot mess. I also know that he's going through is that I don't understand. And I want to be there for him and I want to be a part of his life, but I don't know how to broach that subject. I want him so badly, and I want him to want me as much as I want him. I'm just on certain and I want him to talk to me. I miss him talking to me. I miss his voice, and I miss him. Why do I always miss the ones that never I know how much I need them to miss me?