Kindred

There's something about the mystery of meeting someone new.
The unfamiliar, the new, new, new feelings, yet the feelings are old.
You've felt them, the palpitation. The flush. The yearn.
What if you've met them once. You hold back the assumption that this time, will mean anything.
Hope, sprouts like a bud, only to wither as your logical mind creeps in.
I want so bad to have what everyone else does.
To feel that spark of the unknown. The deep, dark waters of mystery.
Mystery. The need to solve, to know, to understand.
Understand why we go last.
Not just last.
The last.
And yet....
Does it mean that we'll appreciate the mystery more?
Or will we just want to throw it away since we now have what we've craved for so long?
And maybe that is the mystery itself.
That we don't know.
Know when, or who, or how.
But we'll feel Kindred. We'll feel again.
It will be unlike anything we've thought about feelings, or yearnings, or mystery.
I promise.

Dude

I hate internet dating. It makes me feel cheap. It makes me feel pathetic. I know what I want and who I want it with. (Yay Alexander!) Yeah, I'll get the support from my best friends, but still....efffffffffffff.

It Shouldn't Concern People

Dear Alexander,
Come back from Georgia, so we can begin an extremely dysfunctional, carnal relationship with no emotional attachments. I am 100% serious.
Sincerely, Eva

Am I Still?

There is no spoon. But are there second chances, or, well, eighth chances? I mean, there's only so far you can go before I think you're too far gone to save. I'll question everything about what makes our relation work. Also, what makes it not work. There are A LOT of things that don't work. I feel like I'm justified. So justified. Kind of a lot justified. Moderately justified. Slightly justified. Maybe justified...? Oh eff off.

I Have Missed The Negative Space

We've gone a month without speaking. We've spoken at parties, pretended like nothing has happened. For a guy, you are super high drama. You'd rather avoid things, let them pass by, then deal with them. I don't know if you realize that makes me feel unworthy. Not like ''I am unworthy of your affection!!!" unworthy, but like you don't even value me as a human being. I know you probably don't mean it like that, but you're just stupid enough for it to come across that way. I've effing missed you. And while I didn't tell you what happened to me to make you feel guilty, I know you initially thought it was about you. I didn't correct that. I wanted you to feel like in a month so much could change with us, and you have. My stance on our relationship has not changed. I will only put as much effort into this as you do. No more, no less. Gone are the days of me trying to get you to notice me. Because now I know, you only notice me when I'm gone.

Control

So yesterday, I got some pretty bad news. I mean, I know it was coming, sort of. My shrink gave me 6 clinical tests, and the conclusion was, I'm "hypo-manic bi-polar II". My shrink sat me down and told me that this was super serious. I had, just minutes before told him that I felt like there was something, 'fundamentally wrong' with me. He told me there was. That I have an incurable disease, for which the treatment doesn't really exist. That I will always battle with it, the more episodes I have, the more I will continue to have. And that no matter how big my ego is, I can never, ever think I've beat it. Or controlled it. I'm going to need drugs for the rest of my life. Forever. I know it's nothing like being told you only have a short time to live, but I looked back at my life and all the bad choices and the slightly okay choices I have made, and they now make blatant sense. I started psychotherapy because I wanted control back. Yet, I will never have it.

Breathe, Damnit!

I have a customer who always comes into my store and spends a shit ton of money. He's super adorable, and super quiet. We can't talk. We talk over each other, and are super awkward bunnies. I start to wonder if there is a reason for that, but my good sense says that people are just awkward and sometimes with they're quiet they're not into you they're just shy and we remember what happened last time and not to think guys are any different and just because he's from Alaska doesn't mean they're all awkward and your ego invents shit and, and, and *gasp* So yeah... that's where I'm at, right about now.

It's Times Like These...

I feel like my hands are tied. I do love both of you, but my loyalties are going to lie with one....or the other? Even though, sometimes, I feel they shouldn't. I mean, it's your relationship. Who am I to know? But, when I feel like demands are being made that we can't talk to each other  because one of the three tells you that you're ''overstepping boundaries'' it's enough to make you pull your gorgeous red hair out. I'm torn...
So also, now that I'm on drugs, I focus better, and I'm less explosive. I sometimes feel like this new version of me isn't living. I apparently back to being the snarky minx, I always was... that is before life dementored my happiness... BUT, I'm trying to let new experiences and people pave the way for a new chapter. I sound like a hippie. Shit. Well... eff.....

The Last Time You Call On Me

I'm really done. I'm kind of blearily in shock, but almost accepting as if I already knew all along. I've looked for the best, overlooked the worst, and gone above and beyond as a friend. We're "cool", but you can't not treat me like it, and then expect me to act like we're "cool". I'm so far above you. I used to think you were so interesting. I wanted to know you, and I wanted you to know me. But obviously, you don't care as much a you tell me, you don't love me. I wanted to believe you when you told me you did. But your actions speak louder than words. I've been needing a reason to walk away for a long while now. I never wanted this to be why. Yet, I know it had to be this or I'd never leave. To quote Martha Jones; "This is me... Getting out."

You've Cat To Be Kitten Me Right Meow

I get it. I demand a lot. I'm admittedly high maintenance. While it's something I wish I wasn't, it's something I consistently deal with. I hold other people to the almost unattainable high standards I hold myself to. Seriously, I don't think it's really that hard to hit them, as long as your not an inbreed. Like for example, don't tell me to meet you somewhere and then not be there, because you're spending the day with your new boyfriend. You're not 15. Don't tell me you want to spend time with me, and then invite your new girlfriend and ignore me all night. Again, you're not 15. I guess, I just think that if you say you want to do something, you're honest about it. I am. But then 'apparently' I think wrong. I'm jealous of the time you don't spend with me, when you say you want to. I totally understand a new relationship. But think about when that's gone, who will still be here. Me. Always me. However, now I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't be. I mean I think they'll always  assume that I'll be there, so why worry about it? I need people, who make time for me first, not as an added second thought. I only really have one of those, my kindred spirit. And even though I know that she sometimes thinks I'm acting irrational, she still gets why I'm acting so. I've never had to deal with this kind of effing shit from her.