5EVA

It feels like forever. Or more accentuate 5eva. Since it's longer than forever. Ahh, I've been so very busy. SO much has happened, and I feel guilty for not writing sooner. Where to start...

Well, I got rid of a lot of the drama and negativity in my life. I have learned so much about friendship and relationships in the last year. I no longer associate with people that I once considered to be my best friends. It was tough at first, because this was all their choice and not mine. But it doesn't matter if you've had a friendship for 20 years, or 2, if those friends make you feel unwanted, unloved, of bad about yourself, they shouldn't even be in your life. Plain and simple. I've also found some really great people who have been there for me through thick and thin, they never let our relationship change, even when life and their relationships happen, and change. Those are the true gems. I am so lucky to have them.

I have moved. I'm working in the city, so it's easier for me to commute. I got a roommate too. AND HE'S AWESOME. It's interesting living people again. I mean, I don't know what I expected. People are more nice than I thought, Maybe I've been around bad people. I don't know. SO nice to have positive loving people in my life right now.

Oh, I also got called out about “passive aggressive posting about people”. I know who the two people that only read this blog to check up on my life. To that I say, if you want to know about my life, ask. I post what I want, when I want, because guess what? It's my blog. Has been since I was 16. Nothing is going to change about what I write. I don't get paid to write and hide the way I feel. Quite the opposite. SO instead of saying 'fuck you', because I'm better than that, I suggest maybe don't be so atrocious that I feel compelled to write about your actions to me? You know, just a suggestion.

Haha, that's it. All the other stuff, I'll try to get up/out soon.

We Shall See

I talked with my dear friend Sigmund today. He gave me some pretty wonderful advice about bad friends. I was comforted in the fact that the good friends I have are still there, even though I no longer have my two best friends. He told me they were idiots, and whenever a friend starts ignoring their friends for their significant others, that's when a relationship is doomed to fail. So we'll see...

Head Over Heels

I wanted to be with you alone

And talk about the weather

But traditions I can trace

Against the child in your face

Won't escape my attention

You keep your distance with a system of touch

And gentle persuasion

I'm lost in admiration, could I need you this much

Oh, you're wasting my time

You're just wasting time

Something happens and I'm head over heels

I never find out till I'm head over heels

Something happens and I'm head over heels

Ah, don't take my heart

Don't break my heart

Don't throw it away

Me

I'm panicked. I have spent a few months convincing myself that I'm fine. That's as usual, something will work out. It wasn't until last night, that I realized, as many people that I have put my trust in, who have failed me at one time or another, there is one person who never has. I know that it's so stupid. But I've never failed me. I always pulled "us", myself and I, out of bad situations. I mean, seriously, I'm the one who never really has the option to give up. I guess you could say that's an unfair advantage over the ones that have left me. I don't have a choice to leave, well, in one way I do, but we've realized that's not something we'll be doing anytime soon. So I put my faith in me. I look to myself for salvation. Sure, is it misguided? Absolutely. Is it narcissistic? Obviously. Is it whats going to work for me in this dark, dark, time right now? Yes. And eff everything else. The friends who've abandoned me in this hour. Because while I've been there, when they come crawling back, I don't know if this time I will be. Because at this point why? If you surround yourself with people who are so easily distracted by a significant other, you will always feel like a side issue when they're in relationships. When they're not, sure, they'll go out with you, cry with you, laugh with you. However, as soon as they enter into a relationship, they'll go two months without initiating contact. You know if you ever were to call them out on that, they'd blame work, and the fact that "That's why the relationship between you two works so well, because you don't always have to see each other." And yet, you know that you're the one making the effort, and getting nothing out of it. Or you have the opposite, the ones who'll claim "That you're making them choose between their S.O. and your friendship." You'll gently tell them if that's how they look at it, they've obviously made a choice. You've seen the heartache that they've had to go through, and they've seen yours. But you never chose a S.O. over them. So maybe that's why I've decided to focus on me. I'm leaving this place. I know that they'll eventually regret that they didn't get to spend the last couple months with me. Their loss. As vindictive as I am, that prospect makes me happy. To hear the phrase "I just wish we could have hung out more before you left." Internally, and possibly externally, I will laugh. While this part is still in process I will actually be able to say something along the lines of: "You made that choice."

Gasp

Frustration. I can't deal with all of it, and I know it comes out at the most in opportune moments. As much as I try and meditate and control my breathing..........IT'S NOT HELPING.

Not Worth It.

A cure. This ailment. Silence. Forced pleasantries. Mumbled spite. More pleasantries. Feigned ignorance. Disapproving looks. Sever. This ailment. No cure.

6

So here I sit in the same kitchen of my uncles house, watching the same show, up past everyone else, 6 YEARS LATER. I am still alive. I am still breathing. I am still living. Suicide did not get me. I tried. I have tried several times. I guess it the one time you can view failure as a success. At 18, I had no idea where my life was going. I had no hope for my future. School funding had run out, I was crashing in my uncles basement, and was jobless. I was severely depressed, and (I didn't know at the time.) struggling with Bi-Polar disorder. I just wanted to sleep until everything had worked itself out.

I hurt.

Fast forward now, 6 years later where I'm sitting in the same place as a guest. My apartment is down the street. School is around the corner. And I'm medicated so I can function. I'm choked up writing this, and I feel stupid. For what I don't know... I know that I don't need a special someone to make myself happy. That doing things like eating well, exercising, and letting my creativity flow, are things that keep me from feeling momentarily trapped. *sigh* I know that I'm not done, not by a long shot, but if I made it 6 years, then I can make it another 6, and another, and another...

Rambling Of An Enlightened Yet Curious Insomniac

Do you ever actually wonder if people read your blog? If people actually care about the meaningless things in your life. Or if you're just writing to the void? Either way, I guess the glimmer of hope that somewhere, someone see this, makes the typing and angst worth it. Maybe not. I started writing poetry again. It was good. I mean it's different now. I feel different now. And that's awesome. I mean the issues we have, we choose to let them manifest in our lives. Sure, the actions and behaviors of others I understand, yet I still don't have to condone. It's wonderful.

Feelings Revisited

So I had lunch with an old fb of mine today. We were catching up on what's new with each other and stuffs. He told me about his visit to see his mom in Florida, I told him about my plans for school. I always notice he talks about his ex a few times every time we do hang out. I mean it's normal, he was going to propose to her, so I guess some feeling still remain there. We're driving home, and somehow the topic of the conversation turns and he looks at me and says; "Yeah, you sure talk about your friend Shark a lot, like you haven't shut up about it for the last 3 hours."  Okay, so he was exaggerating. But he was a little true. I think at that moment we both knew we had some shit to figure out. He and his 'almost ex fiancee', and me and Shark. Why is everything so convoluted? I know that I don't actually want to date Shark currently. But a few years down the road, sure. Maybe when he's grown up a little. Stupid boy.

Lists

I've become my beloved aunt. She had what she called 'maintenance men' A guy for each day of the week. While I may be a little more disorganized than she was, I'm following happily in her footsteps. It's funny they're rated by skill, and attraction. I'm so very ridiculous and I love it. I've had an attitude change, a new outlook on life. I'm not caught up in the little worries of life. Rent and bills. and unemployment. It's trivial and stupid. Relationships also so. I mean, sure I was on the 'I need one' train, but let's be honest. That is not even worth my time. I've got 5 months before school starts. I don't need unnecessary attachment and more drama.
But speaking of drama......so I'm sleeping with Shark again. I KNOW, I KNOW....... but it's so intoxicating. I seriously have never had sex like that ever. He's on the top of my list. And will always stay there. GOD.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. (Who doesn't know he's not in the rotation anymore...")
6.

I could quote Mimi and say; "Too much?'

IDC

I'm in a state. Unemployed, single, bored. Surrounded by bad friends. Surrounded by few good ones though. I've got a new life plan. I need to be out of this state by January. I need to be gone and off on my own. I mean even though, I pretty much have been on my own for a while, this would be different. Or would it? Maybe it'd just be the same in a different location. Psh, at this point I really don't care.

Backpedal, And Then Do It Anyway...

I have this blog post sitting in my draft box. It's basically an article where I (for lack of a better word) bash the horror that is my married friends. I wrote it in an angry state, and after much self reflection, decided not to post it. I know, why am I even mentioning it. I guess I still wanted to make my feelings known. And honestly I do have a great married friend. Jaimie is awesome. Nothing changed when she got married. We still go out, get drinks, adventure, and as always talk about sex. She doesn't judge me, when my relationships fail, or when I act crazy. Her husband doesn't come up in every conversation and thank the gods. I mean I do deal with her constantly trying to set me up with her husbands best friend. But if that's all I have to deal with, then so be it.

The other one, Alex... I've been working on a speech for weeks but haven't summoned the courage to read it to her. The original post went something like this.

"The other married friend has only been with her husband for a year. They married shortly before their one year anniversary, oh, and she was NOT pregnant. She used to be a normal girl and talk about her relationship and sex, and the one day she goes; “I can't because I feel like that's betraying him.” My jaw mentally dropped. Studies have shown that after the first sexual act the feelings of infatuation don't wear off for about a year. *cough* So basically, when they do wear off, and you were stupid enough to get married before making sure you actually knew the other person, lets hope to the gods that you picked the right one. Oh, and when you're so called 'best friend' has only met your husband twice in the space of a year, it seems as though you know you're hiding something, or, you just don;t want to hear what they have to say. Fine. That's how you alienate a friend you've had for 20 years. Married friends don't walk on eggshells around you and your relationship problems, in fact they either try to hook you up with their other non-married friends, or they tell you that, and this is my favourite line; YOU JUST NEED TO STOP LOOKING FOR THE RIGHT ONE AND LET THEM COME TO YOU. (Second to; YOU REALLY JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.) Because obviously that's how it worked for them, and OBVIOUSLY it'll work with you. It makes me want to light you on fire. My sister, told me the other day that I was unrealistic for expecting my friendships with these girls to remain unchanged. I was hopeful. Now I guess it'll be breakfast once a month while I listen to you tell me how the hubby is sick and he never fold the laundry, or he sweetly made dinner for you last night, And you'll want to know how my exploits have been in the dating world. I'll be hesitant to tell you because you're no longer a true confidant or someone I can go to without being judged. Have fun with your licence and ring. It baffles me that you'll let that change your life. *shakes head*"

I admit, I was angry when I wrote that, but a lot of it still stands. I no longer know her. I am sad that she's chosen this, and yet, I feel the need to call her out on being the most effing shitty friend ever. I mean, sure, I do understand where she's coming from, but honestly, I didn't abandon any of my friends when I was in a relationship. I expect the same. Too much to ask it seems. Why can't you be better. BE EFFING BETTER.

Sharks Are Stupid

I physically, mentally, and physically can't deal with Shark any more.

So I sent him this;

I've been trying to figure out how to have this conversation with you in a medium that would actually allow you to hear what I have to say. I wasn't going to blow up your phone with a 15 page text, because personally, I really hate that.

Basically, this is something I need to get off my chest, and while your opinions are important to me, I need you to hear this first.

I told you that I liked you, that I had feelings for you. I also told you I'd had them for a while, and had never acted on them. Was I ever expecting anything to happen between us? No. You can have feelings for someone and not need them to have them in return. I say 'had'. Because originally, I thought you and I were pretty similar, logical, adventurous, and always needing sex. However, since we started sleeping together, this has proven to be the exact opposite. The way you've reacted to many thing since we started having sex, has completely killed any feelings I had. So, I guess good for you? Your emotional overreaction to everything, has made you extremely unattractive to me. The only way us sleeping together happened the last time, is because I was turned on that we were fighting. I was willing to initially deal with your crazy, because the sex was good. But honestly Kyle, no penis is worth this. Your initial offer of, a deeper friendship and no-strings-attached sex, was what I wanted. You've sadly proven that at this point, that's not a relationship you can handle. That's fine. I would still like us to remain the caliber of friends we once were, but the fact that you 'assume' the phrases; “I love you.'', “I want your babies.” or “I think we should get married.” are something that would ever come out of my mouth regarding you, insults me on the deepest level. I trusted you to not treat me any differently after we had sex. You broke that trust. If you want to continue being friends, (and dude, I really would like that), you cannot treat me like that. Ignoring this will not make it go away, in fact it will make it worse. Whether you feel the need to give me feedback on this or not, I would really like us to start talking again.

And I thought that maybe if he knew where I was coming from, we could work on our relationship and get back to where we once started. I mean would I like to continue having sex with him? OBVIOUSLY. I have never been more sexually satisfied. Which is so effing strange, because we don't even have the type of sex that I'm into. But do I think we can continue having sex with the way things are now? Not at all. His brain just doesn't seem to connect the right things together. It's odd, I'm pretty sure he's Bi-Polar, because, I've seen the same things I used to do before I was medicated, in him....another effing can of worms....

Bite Me

 I'm severely inebriated and I've never blogged when I am. So I don't know how to start this. I think that I might be the one who has feelings for Shark.... why though? I mean I know I'm attracted to him, but still. He's got plans and I don.'t. I mean, he wants to move to S.C. when he's out of the Air Force. And I'd love to move to S.C. to be with my dad. I miss my father and having a family. But Shark seems so good on paper. maybe because, I just want someone to love me, that's so sad. I know. But maybe he'd be good for me.

Sharks In The Water

So I really don't know what's become of me. I know that it's not a bad thing what I'm doing....I'm just tired. I want to have sex, sure. But I want to only have to do that with one person. TO have someone who's not gonna play you, use you, abuse your heart. I've had my fair share, as you've read, of hopes dashed, dreams crushed... I'm too trusting and I know. So why can't I just have a relationship where I don't get crazy, get a lot of sex, and have an amazing friend while at it.

It sounds impossible.

But...it happened. I mean I guess everyone knew eventually we would do something. (He might be my best friends old best friend...) But I found someone who's willing to be exactly that. While yes, there are rules, I know that it could actually work.

So yeah... I guess we'll see what happen.

Not a Bad Thing

Obviously I don't get this one. I don't get the one I want. I never do...

TMP

I met someone. (Again. I know...shush.) He's adorable, and amazing, and incredible. Sure, I'm already over thinking things. It's not even been a week. I just want him. Only him. Please universe, let me PLEASE have this one.

You're Hot And Then Cold

We date, then we're friends. And that's good for me because then I don't freak out about stuff, don't feel the need to talk to you 24/7. But I still think about you. Then I try not to listen to everyone who thinks that we'll end up together. Because I know that's what I probably want in the end....or...I don't know....


Boys are stupid

Eventually

I don't feel the need to be entertained.
I just enjoy your proximity.

And even with your unmeaning insulting,
I just feel the need to impress.

No pressure.

I don't feel the need to be adored.
I just like when you talk to me.

And even with your condescending intelligence,
I just feel the need to impress.

No pressure.

I don't feel the need to always touch, taste, kiss, and hold you...

No pressure.

Ties

So here I am. Sitting on a bus to Seattle, to have a 'friend' day with the latest conquest. Because that's what friends do right? The trek to see the other person. Perhaps this person makes them feel less depressed about their life right now. Or less depressed that their not at ECCC. (I don't want to talk about it.) But fine. I admit I still like being around him. I feel that he's on my level intellectually. That's a rarity for me. All the guys I've dated were smart in their own way....I guess. Oh, also on the topic of ex's...I found a new photo of mine. The one who mercilessly ripped out my heart and took it with him to Colorado. Him. I really have moved on. He was my first in a lot of areas. And I guess.....I did at the time, want him to be my last. Life is rarely that kind to me. He left me. Physically I was alone, Mentally however, he left me with a bunch of new problems and emotions to sort through. I didn't though. I rebounded to someone new, placed all the feelings I had on this new guy so that I didn't have to deal with how alone and rejected I felt. When the rebound went south, as they most often do, I was forced to deal with all those problems and issues I'd been refusing to acknowledge. It was difficult. It was painful. It was lonely. Yet, I did it. I've had conversations with him since, internet conversations, I honestly don't know how I'd react if I actually heard his voice again. Anyway, when I see photos of him come up on social media I no longer feel that pang of hurt and betrayal. Now I just feel, I feel, I....feel...like I miss him. Not in a creepy way, but in the way you might miss an old childhood friend. He and I did have some good times together. I digress. I'm better now than I was before. Maybe because I see new things 'could' possibly happen with the latest conquest. Or not, I know at the very minimum, I've at least gained a new friend.

Dismiss

I don't usually doubt myself. It's the people closest to me that do that for me. They plant those little seeds in my mind. Make me pick apart, even more, all the things I already do. Or maybe I convince myself that the things I experience in my life are normal, and even if they're not... my friends feel the need to remind me of that.

So I meet another person that I think I'd mesh well with. And then they make it complicated. Then I get drunk and realize that maybe they're right. That things are complicated and that even though I love the whole idea of 'black and white" that's not how I get to have it.
Let's take the most recent conquest, I thought we'd be good dating. Now we're friends with benefits, looking for another girl to bring into the bedroom. Honestly, I know that we'll eventually end up together. I mean I get him. And we all know my history with putting up with guys and their shit.

Do you ever think I'm just trying to hard? When I date someone....I'm so different from when we're just friends with benefits. I'm more poised and aware of how my behavior comes across. But when we're friends I don't care. I'm free. I love the way I am. I mean I want a relationship but if I'm not happy with the way I act when I'm in them, then what's the point?
I don't even know anymore. I don't have any single female friends who get the struggle. All of them are married. We know how I feel about that. MOVING ON. (That's shit for another post...)

So what do I do? Do I ignore the fact that I don't like how I'm wired, or do I figure out how to deal with acting human?

Tonight

When all seems lost and dark, I have no more thoughts that pull me back into the light.