Brother Where Art Thou?

I hate him. I miss him. He's stupid. He's my brother.

I told him, along with my mother and step-dad, that we'd all try again in 6 months. I have to stick to that. I have to stick to that. I have to stick to that. I have to stick to that. I have to stick to that. I have to stick to that. I have to stick to that. I have to.................

I met with my Aunt today. She knows. What I'm doing to myself. She told me that you dread the day that it all falls apart. Emotion, all night, has been welling. It's strange since I haven't felt in so long. I'm having trouble even writing this down. My brother, Miles, is one of the only people who knew the Old Me. Sock did too. But Miles know the little me, the 5-year-old me. And I can't talk to him. He's so cultist, or rather involved in one. I just can't believe I lost him. Denial I guess. He makes me out to be the evil one? Eff!!! He's ridiculous, he's become me, or the Old Me. *shudder* No one should ever have to be that. I don't even know him anymore. At all. Is it him who has changed beyond recognition. or me? Have I become what I once feared? No. I am sane. Normal. Absolutely normal. Ish..... God....... what's happened. We once used to be able to get along despite our differences. Now, or I guess I should say when, we talk, he'll preach, or judge. I just couldn't do it any more, I couldn't take it. And while I may lose it after my fingers leave the keyboard. I think of him tonight, and tomorrow, and the day after, and.....always. Forever. Because he's my little brother. I would give my life for him. Funny though, he probably would thing it was good enough to accept. Sorry, sarcasm comes easily. Oh well. It's sad that my heart beats for that boy and only that boy.

How Deep Is Your Love?

It rained today. While the sun has been a nice change, I try not to freak out and run about in the rain. I feel like I may be slipping back into my insomniactastical habits..... and that's not good news. But while I'm up, I'm thinking about future plans.... not super future, but close future. Since I'm no longer a music major, what did I do? As I write, I still can't think of what to say next. Art? Fire Science? Argh.... Dammit.

"Because we're living in a world of fools."

Assumed Guilt

Stop,
Sending me letters saying you care.

Stop,
Leaving me messages saying that you love me.

Stop,
Checking up on me saying; "You're worried.".

I,
Don't care about the words you write
To make yourself feel less guilty.

I,
Don't care about the fake pain in your voice you use
To make me feel guilty.

I,
Don't want to pack my bags
For that needless guilt trip.


Stop,
It won't work.

I,
Won't come back.

Disjointed

I'm in one of those weird moods. Where I get a glimpse of what it was like to feel.

I found a bunch of stuff from Thomas, and all the written records of our meaningless conversations. The notes we passed in class. Feeling = Disgusted.

My mom, has been trying to talk to me. She actually texted me for the first time ever. That is a big deal if you know my parents history with texting, and me. She also Emails me songs that are from my childhood. Is she trying to make me feel guilty I'm not 7 anymore? That's one I won't fall for. I told her, we needed 5 months apart. Am I willing to go back on my word about needing space yet again? Feeling = Irritated.

I showed Socks some poetry a dear friend wrote, that I absolutely loved. I showed her because I wanted to share it with her. Not because I wanted her to effing critique it. But she did. She thinks because she did P.O.L. twice, she knows everything about poetry and what is good and what is not. This poem was amazing. I know now, never show her mine. She says I don't let anybody in. She doesn't even read this anymore. And I don't even show her all of me, because of this. She did the same thing my Step-Father did when he didn't like some of my music, told me that my taste in all music was bad. She's worse, she acts better than me all the time. She thinks she smarter than me, and she has more knowledge. She doesn't. I don't correct her or try to prove her wrong, because honestly, what's the point? She'd think I was being thick. *sigh* Sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me lately.... I love her I do......I just can't stand how highly she thinks of herself. Feeling = Exhausted.

Speaking of poetry, I wrote something new. I'm considering editing it, but I told Elva not to do that very thing. Ah hypocrisy. Feeling = Rebellious.

Dream Of A Greater Meaning

I'm constantly amazed at how dreams can wither make my day wonderful, or horrid. Funny enough, dreams filled with passion, sex, and fast cars always make my day better. I know, I'm such a guy in that respect. Dreams filled with my family, death, and unfairness.......make me want to kill something. Strange, is it not? The unreal determines the real. So since I've been actually sleeping my dreams now determine my mood. How shallow is that? Whatever.....as long as they aren't weird and make me want to jump off a cliff, then I'll take the mood swings. Even though my emotions mean little, as in, I feel nothing. I'll take what the unreal gives me.

Sun

So, I've started sleeping normally. I realize this is a grand achievement for yours truly. I've began to start seeing the sun. This is good. I'll even go outside occasionally. I am beginning to see the world, and realize that I'm not the only depressed person in it.

Bright

Got dressed.
Put on makeup.
For the first time in months I feel pretty. I look cute, the way I used to when all my friends hailed me as "The Bright One". I can't think of what has changed. Yes life goes to shit, but we pick ourselves up and move on.

Or so I think.....today at least.

Singles Awareness Day

Yes, I celebrate it. For so long I wanted to be in a relationship on this day, but no longer. A commercialized holiday for couples. And while you may think I'm bitter, I'm actually happy to be scornful of this day. The romantic died in me, probably, a few years ago. I'm honestly afraid, that it may surface again.....when I get into a relationship............I'll begin to like all the (To quote my loved friend;) "squishy" feelings associated with it. Socks says she won't even save me from that. Way to be, way to be. Anyway........yes, funny I just noticed that the acronyms for Singles Awareness Day are in fact; S.A.D. ironic? Maybe one of these days I will be half of a couple, and have to deal with it. But until then; SCORN!!!!! And gorging on chocolate, and making fun of disgusting happy couples. I sort of wish I was with my family, this day, but maybe next year. Or maybe not. I used to love the way my mom made this day special. With heat lights and heart pizza, and a special gift. Great, now I'm making myself sad. Not going to go there. Ugh.

Love, overrated.

Hearts, misleading.

Promises, broken.

Happy Singles Awareness Day to me.

10, 20?

So I know that technically my birthday isn't until October, but it's got me thinking about turning 20. Creeeeeeeepy. I'll no longer be a teenager. But then again, I had a righteous fit when I turned 10. In my mind, I would forever be double digits, until the day I died. And we all know how rare it is to live to 100, so just stop there. But, my thoughts, drifted for my approaching 20th birthday, to my half-birthday in April, and then to my little brother, who will be turning 10. I haven't asked him, but I'm guessing he's pretty excited about the whole double digits thing. Why was it such a big deal to me? And on that note, I will say, I make a big deal out of little things. Oh, well, I guess. But yes, he'll be 10, and I'll be 20. I'll, be 20.........I'll be.........20...........oh eff.

Sweet Dreams Are Made of This

I find myself sleeping a fair amount lately. And after the bout of not sleeping I've had, I guess I should welcome it. Yet after getting up this morning, I realize why I'm sleeping so much, tired yes, but I dream about my family. Yes, they have been horrible to me, and sometimes my dream are not much better, but still......I see them. Is it pathetically sad that I do? Maybe, I miss them. I've been to hurt and angry to actually think about them, but still, it's possible. I just wish that every time I closed my eyes to sleep that I didn't see my little sisters face.

This Illusion

I thought

Everything was wonderful.

Infallible.

I lived my life with a blindfold

I didn’t

Know where to go without it.

I thought all would be well.

I thought someone would

Come rescue me

From this

Hell of a life.

I thought

Maybe

I loved you

But feelings change

True colours fade

And black and white

All turns to gray

And I though

Different than I knew.

Where do we find solace?

Where do we

Find reading nooks

Filled with books

That we love

More than friends?

I know

That everything was messed up.

I’m aware

Of all my faults and fears

Irrational and fears inevitably,

Controlling life,

And all those

Feelings.

I know

That my world was shattered,

When you cut the chord.

And like glass,

Shards pierced my heart

And I am

Bleeding from the soul.

I know

That I did not

Love you.

Were do we find solace?

Where do we find

Puddles deep

Enough to splash

Sorrow away?

I Think, I Know

While, my arm is falling asleep, and my hands are turning cold, I'm reminded how long I spend at the computer. And during that time, I often think about one person. While all the names in this blog are changed for privacy, I can't think of a good enough name for him other than the one he already possesses. I've been known to lose my shit over a boy now and again. I've been known to like them lots. I've been know to do a lot of things. Anyway, back to the boy. Fine, I'll call him. (begrudgingly, mind you!). . . Keagan. Anyway, I met him over the summer, he's the one that hid from me, but on Facebook, his activities keep popping up. Like spontaneous trips to the beach. After hour photo shoots. And just things, that happen I guess. I thought I liked him, but now he just intrigues me. Is it bad that I plan when I'll actually get to work with him. Like, try to start a relationship plan? God, I feel pathetic, but he seems so perfect. Yes, "seems", right, he'll turn out to be a disapointmeant .........or not...........Keagan........Why does he need to be everything I don't think I want, but deep down know I want. "Damnit, I neva get anyfing, neva!"

Wish Flower

Let go.

Fall away

From all the concepts

You were told to

Follow.

Drift away.

Let the strings

That

Attach

You to this life

be clipped.

Succumb.

Forget what once was

And find what will be.

If you can't climb

Out of the dark

Hole

That is your life,

Fall.

Fall.

Back in

To the dreams

You left.

There

You will be safe.

Loved.

Wanted.

Happy.

Find that flower.

Blast away,

All the parts

Wishes

Are made

Of. . .

Orphaned

So this past week, not only has my mother, who is constantly telling me how horrible I am and how I just need to call upon Jesus, has unfriended me. Along with my step-father and my younger brother. While the action doesn't offend me, the reasons behind it are ridiculous. Something about me being evil and living an alternative lifestyle. And they don't even know I'm Bi!!! HA! But yes, so......Oh! Basically this always goes in circles, argument, not talking and then some. But this time I realized I needed to set boundaries. Especially after my brother slammed me for being a tortured artist.....which I am. So, therefore I sent them all a message. Stating this;

"Dear, Miles, Mom, and Dad,

I need to make this clear. I am done with this petty Facebook arguing. It is foolish and childish. Obviously you have views and ideas about me and my life that I do not share, and I will be very frank; I don't want to hear them. I do not criticize they way you choose to live and expected the same from you.

Dad, choosing to have your entire family 'unfriend' me, I could have cared less about. However the reasons you did so are ridiculous and immature. They seem to be purely driven by emotion.

Miles, I'm not the only one who has changed. You too are not the same person that you were a year ago. Most say you have changed for the better. I hope one day you will realize you sister wasn't as evil as everyone , made her out to be.

Mom, you know I love you. But I can't take the constant judgement and preaching anymore. I don't say anything about how you handle things, and you should not to me. I am an adult, even if you refuse to see that.

Therefore, the only contact that should be between us, is for my math and camera (mom basically). I should have set these boundaries a long time ago. I love you all so much it hurts, and wish you could see that while my life has changed, the person I am inside has not. I will not respond to any challenges or responses to this. I'm sorry, truly I am. We all need a break. So lets reconvene all our relationships in maybe 6 months? If it's less than that fine. But you can't be 'friends' with me. I cannot take preaching from you. I love you. Goodbye.

~ Eva "

And while I am extremely hurt that my family doesn't want me in any shape or form. Some people do. I'm not entirely orphaned. But I still feel abandoned.