Seriously? Why NOW?

I finally got a new job. One I wanted a while ago. It pays, it has hours. I should be ecstatic. I was surface when I got it, but after the initial shock, I didn't really care. This was the job, the lynch-pin, that my entire life was holding on to. Why can't I care? I just started making friends at my current job. Something that is almost impossible for me to do. And the boy....... I give my two weeks to my boss tomorrow. I have to weeks to make a move, or say something.... I need to. I have too many regrets when it comes to guys. I'm going to try to keep a few hours at my current job if I can, and I know I say it's for the extra money and partly it is, but now......maybe so I happen to see him. SEE!!! This is what I hate about liking someone. You start to try to incorporate them into your life, something that may not be good for you.

Gasp!

I feel. Not a lot mind you, but maybe a flicker. It always happens when someone relatively cute pays you a compliment, and then pays a little more attention to you then you are used to. And so it begins, you only feel because of the adrenaline rush. You find it horrible that you go out of your ways to make your stomach drop, your heart stop, and you stutter. And that is the only way you can feel what it used to be like. It's not the person. It's the lingerings of distant feelings. Ones I so desperately want to feel again.

Straight Jacket

It's gotten to the point where all this insanity is starting to drive me crazy. I don't want to be insane. I am perfectly fine admitting that I am not completely sane, but I'm not totally gone. I wonder what it would be like to be sane.... hmmmmm. It's a strange thing to admit your brain doesn't function normally. I'm positive that admittance will bring about it's own destruction. Eventually...........insanity will catch up with me and when it does. I think I shall invite it to have sushi.

I actually don't feel like I've even said anything. See? Just goes to show you how crazy I actually am...

Slices

It's strange to feel. Like you actually exist, like you are actually alive, like you really indeed are small. I don't feel often. But there have become many ways in which I seem to be able to grasp what I once felt... Ugh, sorry, ridiculously convoluted. It's just I miss what it used to feel like. I know that there are times when it breaks though and I can feel. It hurts. It's too much. It's a "Catch 22", you want to feel, but you know you really couldn't handle it. AT ALL. But one thing is clear, that "I need to be famous and recognized" bug has bit me again. Back to music.

Deadened

Yeah, I'm back. Not fully, but I'm still here. I guess, I see this as some small way to be social. Something that I rarely do anymore. I have force myself to get out, to take days off of work, to go places. I just......................don't really even know. Day in, and day out, all I have to deal with are people. People, who all are the same. You know, they say all people are different. Ha, no. All of them act the same, with little variants. They share their deepest secrets. They think I care. I only care about my friends (and even then.......), and yet these strangers tell me their deepest, darkest secrets. Why? I don't care. I never will. Just leave me alone. It's come to a point where I don't believe I'll ever actually feel deep emotion again. And I feel guilty, because I like that idea. Never having to deal with all the ups and down of emotions again. It sounds blissful. I know, I probably need a relationship to open me up a bit, but how do you do that if you don't want to deal with people? Catch 22, lovely. I need to move away. Start new. Soon. Or else I believe I'll die, never being able to feel again. Not feel anything. And I know I should. I think, see? Even now, I'm not sure, since I can't feel what is right for me, I'm terrified of making a horrible mistake. Maybe I need to. Maybe that would make me feel. Not an adrenaline rush, not a pointless relationship, not something to shock the norms. Eff. So wrong, so......very.......wrong. Of perhaps this is good? Maybe logic, is the answer. Trying.....thinking about something before you rush into it. Ha, that'd be new for me. But that might be what it's going to take.

My Mimi

The twentieth of August, will be scared on my conscious forever. It's strange, that when someone you love so much leaves this world, you can't even feel it. It's only later, as you hear the heartbreaking news. Death. Parents cry, friends comfort. Things are well and everyone comes together. I don't know why I can't feel like I'm even a part of it. My aunt "Mimi" was my hero. She had a no bullshit tolerance. She stood up for what she believed in. And she showed me how to function, with a dysfunctional family. I only got ten years with her. Not enough. I want to scream to the world; "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!" And I know, it truly is not. She can't be gone, not when I have so much to ask her, to tell her, to show her. She left me and all she loved, just a little shocked. I said my goodbye, but I still couldn't bring my heart to mean it. It's impossible that my hero, no matter how crazy she got to be in the end is gone.

Gone.
Gone.
Gone.

Stars

I know I should be sleeping, but I feel like not. I want to be away so badly, it hurts.
I feel homesick, for a place I've never been. And I know that's ridiculous. But honestly, I want to look up at the moon and feel like I belong.

NOW

I'm sorry for my absence. I mean not to neglect you.
I hate the sun. I hate the heat. I hate the summer.
Is it too much to as for rain and clouds? Moving to England seems to get closer and closer. Leeds is waiting. I wonder though, since I have so many things I say I want to do, and never complete, that this too will be one of them. I guess, I won't let it.
But I want to be there.
As in
This
INSTANT.

Cardboard

I honestly DESPISE moving. It's awful.

That is all I have to say.

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

It seems so long ago since I moved out. I had to go though so much and I had to grow up. I never agreed with my parents. But I can see where they are coming from. Now, they are going to kick Miles out. Because he is a pain to live with. I get that they make the choices for their house. But seriously? It feels like a re-run of me. Just because I'm moving back in doesn't mean I'm okay. I'm still broken. Extremely so.I am stronger than Miles. I know that this may hurt him far beyond repair.And are my parents okay with that? Probably. One a new family comes along the old one get's kicked to the curb. We deal, we try not to feel rejected. But honestly, (And I know it's petty..) WE WERE HERE FIRST.

Pillows And Turtles

I've got a ridiculous song stuck in my head....bother. But other than that, things feel............ See I don't even have a good word to describe them. I asked my dad and mom, if I could move back in with them last night. Partially because I am sick of my cousin acting like she owns the world. And also because deep in my heart, I have always wanted to go home. I don't even know how to feel right now. I know that I would be happier there, but am I making the right decision? I know that I have learned a lot from being away. I just don't want to fall backwards.

Grrrrrr!

I am done being yelled at. I didn't do anything to deserve it. I get that people are stressed. But seriously? Don't try and get attention. Talk. Voice your problems. Don't take it out on me and then say you don't want to talk about it. It's childish and petty. Grow. UP.

Feeling

My brother is my anti-depressant.

Mother, Mother! There's Too Many Of You Crying.

Soooooooooooooooo.............interesting things have been happening to me lately. One, I found out my mother still reads this.....*waves* "HI MOM!!!" And two, my mother reads my blog....oh wait....snaps....that was number one. Well, so if that isn't surprising enough, I considered never posting again. But I realized, I shouldn't care that she reads it. I hope she will be able to see how I think and feel through this, that is when I post something that actually makes sense. Which is never......... *sigh* Bollocks.

[Obviously I have a thing for 'ellipses'. I think this needs to stop.]

*click*

So whilst thinking about going back to school......I realize it's going to be a lot harder than I expected. Money, money, money. I'm getting discouraged. While it seems like a fantastic idea, all the odds seem to be stacking themselves against me. I know, I know, I still can go. I just have to work for it. And taking a look at the course work today, made my heart feel the lightest it's been in a long time. But financial aid, may not declare me as and 'Independent Student' so my money from them could be scarce. So I'll finish my Associates Degree at the closest community college. That's good right....community college again.... *sigh* But if it get's me where I want to be then I'll do it. I'll fight financial aid, I'll fight my parents, I'll fight my odds. But I really want to go to that art school. Even thinking that I could go there makes me.......feel like I could actually get on me feet. No just sit, and be passed by. I've been in this place for so long that a glimpse of a future where I'm doing something I love. Oh!!!! In other news, I got a photography internship with a local photographer who did Sock's senior photos! Sooooo stoked. Now to find a camera...

Humming

This song has been stuck in my head for a long time now. While still not my "Mr. Brightside", I do adore it so.

I'm running out of ways to make you see,
I want you to stay here beside me.
I won't be ok and I won't pretend I am.
So just tell me today and take my hand,

Please take my hand,
Please take my hand,
Please take my hand,
Please take my hand.


Just say yes,
Just say there's nothing holding you back.
It's not a test,
Nor a trick of the mind, only love.

It's so simple and you know it is, you know it is.
We can't be to and from like this, all our lives.
You're the only way to me, the path is clear.
What do I have to say to you for Gods sake, dear?

For Gods sake, dear,
For Gods sake, dear,
For Gods sake, dear,
For Gods sake, dear.

Just say yes, just say there's nothing holding you back
It's not a test, nor a trick of the mind
Only love

Just say yes, coz Im aching and I know you are too
For the touch of your warm skin
As I breathe you in

I can feel your heart beat through my shirt
This was all I wanted, all I want
Its all I want
Its all I want
Its all I want
Its all I want

Just say yes,
Just say there's nothing holding you back.
It's not a test,
Nor a trick of the mind, only love.

Just say yes,
'Cause I'm aching and I know you are too
For the touch,
Of your warm skin as I breathe you in.

I can feel your heart beat through my shirt.
This was all I wanted, all I want.

It's all I want,
It's all I want,
It's all I want,
It's all I want.

Just say yes,
Just say there's nothing holding you back.
It's not a test,
Nor a trick of the mind, only love.

Just say yes,
'Cause I'm aching and I know you are too
For the touch,
Of your warm skin as I breathe you in.


~ Snow Patrol

Pen And Paper Frighten Me

I'm supposed to write a letter to my mother. One I'm not supposed to send. But know in me, I'll still send it. How does one, find all the things that hate about a person, and the relationship, You can think of many, but over the course of an hour, little ones pop up, here and there. But you can never remember them all at once. How do I sadden thee? Let me count the ways... mother. Cripes.

Fog

Winsomeness, and lavender. God, I feel strange. Like where you aren't sure if this universe is actually the one you belong to. Okay, sci-fi, but still..... I've taken up sewing and designing again, and my brain hurts. Still, not really a headache but a pain. Ahhh, I can't explain it. Nevermind.

And music, keeps getting stuck in my head. Not like the usual stuff, but random bits. Stuff I don't even really like. And I feel superior, even though I'm probably not. I think I am so amazing at my own knowledge of music. I'm probably just stupid.

Yet.............

Soldiering

If you can hold on,

If you can hold on,

Hold on.

Lackless

I spent Easter with my family. My mom and step-dad and brothers and sister. I think that says enough.

My brother is the one who judges me the most. Why? I have no idea. He just does. Does he not realize that he's a dick? Hahaha, never. But while I know he's my brother and all..........I still don't know if I want to be friends with him. Because if we weren't related, I wouldn't even look at him.

In other news, I'm trying to make the room I stay in, my room, and it's getting there. Lots of work, but I need a space, and I need it before my mind collapses.

And Socks, got into the college she wanted. Is it bad that my reasons for being happy for her a selfish. I am happy she"s going, so that she'll stop trying to pretend she knows what it feels like to fail and have no future. I"m so sick of it. I know her feelings are real, but just not justified.

Oh, and yes......I officially think that my compulsive sewing habits are going to get my wardrobe in trouble.

Regardless, I still feel sad.

Unnecessary Significance

This breaks my record. I'm not even half way through the year and yet, I've written so much more than the previous ones. I wonder if that is a willingness to share more, or impending boredom. And while this lovely blog's birthday is not till July, this post still should have some significance. Or not...maybe the meaning behind thing is more simple then I make it. Maybe I'm just supposed to see things at face value. Not make them more magical, or tragical then they actually are. Then again.......what's the fun in that?

Parts

With so many adventures under my belt, I am no stranger to spontaneity. In my own mind, my myself and I find different things to marvel and scoff at. When "We" are with other people, myself and I get irritated. "Myself" being the tactless oblivion and my true self, and "I" being the person I let people see. "Myself" wonders why, when I spontaneously run toward a piano and record a song, that people I am with should just follow and not ask stupid questions. Yet "I" calmly reminds my other ego, that normal people do not think, and do things the same way "we" do. I find my habits of talking to myself and viewing myself as multiple parts................. satisfying in a peculiar way.

I am my own worst enemy.

I am my best listener.

I am my own worst critic.

I am my best advisor.

"Myself" and "I". . .

Marks

I spent all night looking through millions of images. My eyes hurt and my shoulders feel disconnected. It's just a tattoo. Well, more like several. I was always against defiling the skin, but now, I have so many plans for it. And they all mean something. Well, they should in my opinion. I just hope this isn't another way of subconsciously getting back at my parents.

Uncaring, Uncharitable, Unfeeling, Unfriendly, Unsympathetic

When people say; "I really don't like drama, but it always seems to find me!" most the time, you look at them and know. You know that they do indeed love drama. It is their comfort-zone. But to admit they love it, need it, thrive off it, would be to announce their gluttony of it. And for most, that's embarrassing. I despise thees people. Yes...I feel like I may be one of them. In my case, I have a boy who I know cares more deeply for me then I him. As in, I care for him not at all. He plagues me with his feelings, and tales of family injustice. I don't care. He tells me of arguments and thing that irritate him. I don't care. He even threatened to kill himself. (For the second time since I've known him.) I don't care. And I told him so. I tell him, that nothing about his life interests me. I just don't want to know. Is that wrong? Not to care? In the slightest?

Non Fit

Getting to the root of issues, is not one of my favorite things. Talking to Socks about this, another on of the things I'd rather not do. Personally, I would like everything to work itself out. Sheesh.....wouldn't we all. But what could have been a screaming match, was an honest realization. That we are different. We were raised different. We will handle things different. While we are alike in many respects, I do believe that communication...is a little helpful. We fit so well, yet we don't. I know we get each others thoughts, but not all the time. I know that we both hate where we are. But we'll get through it...... I hope...

Don't Tell Me

I love surprises. I always have. I would honestly rather wait for something for a whole year, rather than have you spoil it now. I guess this will be a rant. I'm not worried about someone reading thins, because she never does anymore. I've already mentioned how much that's not okay.

So, if you like to skip to the end of things, look up endings during a show, or a movie, watch the last 5 minutes of a show to see who won; then you and I are not going to get along. I'm cool, with it, when it's on your own time. If I'm in the room, can you at least wait until I leave. If I had the computer, effing wait 'till I'm done with it. I don't think, well for me that is, that there are very many surprises in life. True surprises. So why not enjoy the unknown for a little bit. Are you so uncontrollable that you can't even finish a movie without looking up the ending? That's serious lack of self control, and I know I'm not the most patient person, but still... if you want to ruin everything for yourself, then I feel sorry for you. But seriously, you don't need to ruin everything for me. I actually like suspense. I know, what a strange concept. *gasp*

Awkwardness...

Family gathering. That about sums it up. Crazy relatives, awesome little brothers, invisible father. My Aunt was great though, I had some wonderful conversation with her. About life, the universe, and everything. I thanked her for being my mom, and she told me I was wonderful, and marvelous. Of course, I almost lost it. She has no idea how....amazing....it is to hear that. That someone thinks you're neat, and that they will be there for you. So.....yeah....... And I met someone online, that I think would be really cool to be with, but I realized I have to take care of me right now. So I write him a long note explaining that I really think he's awesome, but I probably can't start something for a few months. And now I wait....wondering if I did the right thing. He seems perfect. Damnit.

Shattered

So I'm making an appointment with a therapist tomorrow. It's the first time I've ever gone to counseling. I don't like to admit I'm broken. I'm not! Or, well.....yeah I guess I am. I'm so effing proud. I know it's wrong, I can't help it. I've never thought that therapy helped people, but when you've got more than one person, gently nudging you in that direction.....you tend to take notice. My Aunt, my Uncle, and Socks. They all tell me that I would greatly benefit from it. They say I have abandonment issues. Great. That's gonna help the relationship scene. Haha, I know right? Insomnia has struck me again, so that's why I'm thinking about tomorrow. And how I'm going to try to put myself back together with help this time. Fingers crossed.

Corners

It's ridiculous! I guess I can't expect much from family. Of my father. When I was living with him, I thought maybe my family was wrong about how fucked up he is. For the most part, I was right. But I do being to see this one common trait. Whichever kid is the easiest to deal with, he chooses. Since I'm apparently a failure, he's chosen my backwards-ass Christian cult brother. Oh how lovely! They go driving. They go to movies. They go to my half-brothers basketball games. Great, the son you ignored for 4 years, now you want to see him. How about the daughter you royally fucked up? Oh no! She's not worth any time at all. Just shove her in the corner like you and your ex-wife did for most of her 19 years. That'll solve tons. Effing idiots. Go fuck up your new replacement kids.

Brother Where Art Thou?

I hate him. I miss him. He's stupid. He's my brother.

I told him, along with my mother and step-dad, that we'd all try again in 6 months. I have to stick to that. I have to stick to that. I have to stick to that. I have to stick to that. I have to stick to that. I have to stick to that. I have to stick to that. I have to.................

I met with my Aunt today. She knows. What I'm doing to myself. She told me that you dread the day that it all falls apart. Emotion, all night, has been welling. It's strange since I haven't felt in so long. I'm having trouble even writing this down. My brother, Miles, is one of the only people who knew the Old Me. Sock did too. But Miles know the little me, the 5-year-old me. And I can't talk to him. He's so cultist, or rather involved in one. I just can't believe I lost him. Denial I guess. He makes me out to be the evil one? Eff!!! He's ridiculous, he's become me, or the Old Me. *shudder* No one should ever have to be that. I don't even know him anymore. At all. Is it him who has changed beyond recognition. or me? Have I become what I once feared? No. I am sane. Normal. Absolutely normal. Ish..... God....... what's happened. We once used to be able to get along despite our differences. Now, or I guess I should say when, we talk, he'll preach, or judge. I just couldn't do it any more, I couldn't take it. And while I may lose it after my fingers leave the keyboard. I think of him tonight, and tomorrow, and the day after, and.....always. Forever. Because he's my little brother. I would give my life for him. Funny though, he probably would thing it was good enough to accept. Sorry, sarcasm comes easily. Oh well. It's sad that my heart beats for that boy and only that boy.

How Deep Is Your Love?

It rained today. While the sun has been a nice change, I try not to freak out and run about in the rain. I feel like I may be slipping back into my insomniactastical habits..... and that's not good news. But while I'm up, I'm thinking about future plans.... not super future, but close future. Since I'm no longer a music major, what did I do? As I write, I still can't think of what to say next. Art? Fire Science? Argh.... Dammit.

"Because we're living in a world of fools."

Assumed Guilt

Stop,
Sending me letters saying you care.

Stop,
Leaving me messages saying that you love me.

Stop,
Checking up on me saying; "You're worried.".

I,
Don't care about the words you write
To make yourself feel less guilty.

I,
Don't care about the fake pain in your voice you use
To make me feel guilty.

I,
Don't want to pack my bags
For that needless guilt trip.


Stop,
It won't work.

I,
Won't come back.

Disjointed

I'm in one of those weird moods. Where I get a glimpse of what it was like to feel.

I found a bunch of stuff from Thomas, and all the written records of our meaningless conversations. The notes we passed in class. Feeling = Disgusted.

My mom, has been trying to talk to me. She actually texted me for the first time ever. That is a big deal if you know my parents history with texting, and me. She also Emails me songs that are from my childhood. Is she trying to make me feel guilty I'm not 7 anymore? That's one I won't fall for. I told her, we needed 5 months apart. Am I willing to go back on my word about needing space yet again? Feeling = Irritated.

I showed Socks some poetry a dear friend wrote, that I absolutely loved. I showed her because I wanted to share it with her. Not because I wanted her to effing critique it. But she did. She thinks because she did P.O.L. twice, she knows everything about poetry and what is good and what is not. This poem was amazing. I know now, never show her mine. She says I don't let anybody in. She doesn't even read this anymore. And I don't even show her all of me, because of this. She did the same thing my Step-Father did when he didn't like some of my music, told me that my taste in all music was bad. She's worse, she acts better than me all the time. She thinks she smarter than me, and she has more knowledge. She doesn't. I don't correct her or try to prove her wrong, because honestly, what's the point? She'd think I was being thick. *sigh* Sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me lately.... I love her I do......I just can't stand how highly she thinks of herself. Feeling = Exhausted.

Speaking of poetry, I wrote something new. I'm considering editing it, but I told Elva not to do that very thing. Ah hypocrisy. Feeling = Rebellious.

Dream Of A Greater Meaning

I'm constantly amazed at how dreams can wither make my day wonderful, or horrid. Funny enough, dreams filled with passion, sex, and fast cars always make my day better. I know, I'm such a guy in that respect. Dreams filled with my family, death, and unfairness.......make me want to kill something. Strange, is it not? The unreal determines the real. So since I've been actually sleeping my dreams now determine my mood. How shallow is that? Whatever.....as long as they aren't weird and make me want to jump off a cliff, then I'll take the mood swings. Even though my emotions mean little, as in, I feel nothing. I'll take what the unreal gives me.

Sun

So, I've started sleeping normally. I realize this is a grand achievement for yours truly. I've began to start seeing the sun. This is good. I'll even go outside occasionally. I am beginning to see the world, and realize that I'm not the only depressed person in it.

Bright

Got dressed.
Put on makeup.
For the first time in months I feel pretty. I look cute, the way I used to when all my friends hailed me as "The Bright One". I can't think of what has changed. Yes life goes to shit, but we pick ourselves up and move on.

Or so I think.....today at least.

Singles Awareness Day

Yes, I celebrate it. For so long I wanted to be in a relationship on this day, but no longer. A commercialized holiday for couples. And while you may think I'm bitter, I'm actually happy to be scornful of this day. The romantic died in me, probably, a few years ago. I'm honestly afraid, that it may surface again.....when I get into a relationship............I'll begin to like all the (To quote my loved friend;) "squishy" feelings associated with it. Socks says she won't even save me from that. Way to be, way to be. Anyway........yes, funny I just noticed that the acronyms for Singles Awareness Day are in fact; S.A.D. ironic? Maybe one of these days I will be half of a couple, and have to deal with it. But until then; SCORN!!!!! And gorging on chocolate, and making fun of disgusting happy couples. I sort of wish I was with my family, this day, but maybe next year. Or maybe not. I used to love the way my mom made this day special. With heat lights and heart pizza, and a special gift. Great, now I'm making myself sad. Not going to go there. Ugh.

Love, overrated.

Hearts, misleading.

Promises, broken.

Happy Singles Awareness Day to me.

10, 20?

So I know that technically my birthday isn't until October, but it's got me thinking about turning 20. Creeeeeeeepy. I'll no longer be a teenager. But then again, I had a righteous fit when I turned 10. In my mind, I would forever be double digits, until the day I died. And we all know how rare it is to live to 100, so just stop there. But, my thoughts, drifted for my approaching 20th birthday, to my half-birthday in April, and then to my little brother, who will be turning 10. I haven't asked him, but I'm guessing he's pretty excited about the whole double digits thing. Why was it such a big deal to me? And on that note, I will say, I make a big deal out of little things. Oh, well, I guess. But yes, he'll be 10, and I'll be 20. I'll, be 20.........I'll be.........20...........oh eff.

Sweet Dreams Are Made of This

I find myself sleeping a fair amount lately. And after the bout of not sleeping I've had, I guess I should welcome it. Yet after getting up this morning, I realize why I'm sleeping so much, tired yes, but I dream about my family. Yes, they have been horrible to me, and sometimes my dream are not much better, but still......I see them. Is it pathetically sad that I do? Maybe, I miss them. I've been to hurt and angry to actually think about them, but still, it's possible. I just wish that every time I closed my eyes to sleep that I didn't see my little sisters face.

This Illusion

I thought

Everything was wonderful.

Infallible.

I lived my life with a blindfold

I didn’t

Know where to go without it.

I thought all would be well.

I thought someone would

Come rescue me

From this

Hell of a life.

I thought

Maybe

I loved you

But feelings change

True colours fade

And black and white

All turns to gray

And I though

Different than I knew.

Where do we find solace?

Where do we

Find reading nooks

Filled with books

That we love

More than friends?

I know

That everything was messed up.

I’m aware

Of all my faults and fears

Irrational and fears inevitably,

Controlling life,

And all those

Feelings.

I know

That my world was shattered,

When you cut the chord.

And like glass,

Shards pierced my heart

And I am

Bleeding from the soul.

I know

That I did not

Love you.

Were do we find solace?

Where do we find

Puddles deep

Enough to splash

Sorrow away?

I Think, I Know

While, my arm is falling asleep, and my hands are turning cold, I'm reminded how long I spend at the computer. And during that time, I often think about one person. While all the names in this blog are changed for privacy, I can't think of a good enough name for him other than the one he already possesses. I've been known to lose my shit over a boy now and again. I've been known to like them lots. I've been know to do a lot of things. Anyway, back to the boy. Fine, I'll call him. (begrudgingly, mind you!). . . Keagan. Anyway, I met him over the summer, he's the one that hid from me, but on Facebook, his activities keep popping up. Like spontaneous trips to the beach. After hour photo shoots. And just things, that happen I guess. I thought I liked him, but now he just intrigues me. Is it bad that I plan when I'll actually get to work with him. Like, try to start a relationship plan? God, I feel pathetic, but he seems so perfect. Yes, "seems", right, he'll turn out to be a disapointmeant .........or not...........Keagan........Why does he need to be everything I don't think I want, but deep down know I want. "Damnit, I neva get anyfing, neva!"

Wish Flower

Let go.

Fall away

From all the concepts

You were told to

Follow.

Drift away.

Let the strings

That

Attach

You to this life

be clipped.

Succumb.

Forget what once was

And find what will be.

If you can't climb

Out of the dark

Hole

That is your life,

Fall.

Fall.

Back in

To the dreams

You left.

There

You will be safe.

Loved.

Wanted.

Happy.

Find that flower.

Blast away,

All the parts

Wishes

Are made

Of. . .

Orphaned

So this past week, not only has my mother, who is constantly telling me how horrible I am and how I just need to call upon Jesus, has unfriended me. Along with my step-father and my younger brother. While the action doesn't offend me, the reasons behind it are ridiculous. Something about me being evil and living an alternative lifestyle. And they don't even know I'm Bi!!! HA! But yes, so......Oh! Basically this always goes in circles, argument, not talking and then some. But this time I realized I needed to set boundaries. Especially after my brother slammed me for being a tortured artist.....which I am. So, therefore I sent them all a message. Stating this;

"Dear, Miles, Mom, and Dad,

I need to make this clear. I am done with this petty Facebook arguing. It is foolish and childish. Obviously you have views and ideas about me and my life that I do not share, and I will be very frank; I don't want to hear them. I do not criticize they way you choose to live and expected the same from you.

Dad, choosing to have your entire family 'unfriend' me, I could have cared less about. However the reasons you did so are ridiculous and immature. They seem to be purely driven by emotion.

Miles, I'm not the only one who has changed. You too are not the same person that you were a year ago. Most say you have changed for the better. I hope one day you will realize you sister wasn't as evil as everyone , made her out to be.

Mom, you know I love you. But I can't take the constant judgement and preaching anymore. I don't say anything about how you handle things, and you should not to me. I am an adult, even if you refuse to see that.

Therefore, the only contact that should be between us, is for my math and camera (mom basically). I should have set these boundaries a long time ago. I love you all so much it hurts, and wish you could see that while my life has changed, the person I am inside has not. I will not respond to any challenges or responses to this. I'm sorry, truly I am. We all need a break. So lets reconvene all our relationships in maybe 6 months? If it's less than that fine. But you can't be 'friends' with me. I cannot take preaching from you. I love you. Goodbye.

~ Eva "

And while I am extremely hurt that my family doesn't want me in any shape or form. Some people do. I'm not entirely orphaned. But I still feel abandoned.

Safety

I've been told that I need to post something new. Yet I feel like I'm a fraud if I try and post something when I have nothing to say. I've been told, I always have something to say. Riiiiiiiight........ So what do I say? Continue rambling on how unhappy I am with my life? Or should I complain on how my entire family has excommunicated me? Oh oh oh!!! Maybe you would like to take a look into my self loathing? No? Then perhaps my loneliness, or the fact that I hide from everyone and the face I show all my friends is a lie? I ask a lot of questions for someone trying to disappear, huh? Damn, another question. I shall settle on a topic, I suppose. Boys........they ruin everything. I'm blissfully sleeping, and on some insignificant adventure, when in my dream I realize that I have a child. A boy I happen to slightly likes baby. And if that wasn't bad enough, I dream it again. I'm pretty solid in the fact that I don't want children. So why am I dreaming about having one? Perhaps it's a subconscious inability to let go of my own childhood, and actually GROW UP. I can't seem to do that. I'm at the point where if I don't grow up, I'm gonna drown. Seriously. I want to be 5. When Santa and the Tooth Fairy were real, and bed time stories were magical, and piggy-back rides were mandatory. Sandboxes were where it was at, Popsicles were the bomb, and the sprinkler made you happy. I'm 19. I'm 5. I'm done with growing up. I can't. It hurts and I don't like it. I will throw a fit. I will scream. I will stick my tongue out. *sigh* I can dream can't I? No wait, those are being invaded by my supposed future children. Where the hell can I be safe? Damnit.

Dreams

I was having a conversation with a beloved friend. Only this time, it was about his recent heartbreak, and he told me about a dream he had. I, being sometimes able to see things others don't, (We'll get to that later) saw all the subconscious things in his dream that he, I guess, couldn't see. Weather I "actually" could or not is up for debate. Yet, while looking at what he had written, I couldn't help but think that maybe, I was kind of correct. A little. Not a lot.....okay maybe a ton. Still.............. I may just have something here.

~ ~ ~

Theodore

I have had this reoccurring dream that I would be walking down the hall, this pulsing pain in my temple, and I would just faint, and I would wake up in the hospital, and expect my mom to be right at my bedside, but it was Brent.

Eva

Well, that makes perfect sense.

Theodore

Please explain.

Eva

1) The hall: It's a metaphor to a crossover in your life, a passage to a new year.

2) The pain in your temple: Results from you thinking to much on the subject of Brent and you and the ''what- ifs".

3) Fainting: the ceasing to exist for a time when you can feel nothing and be nothing.

4) Hospital: A desire to be fixed and cured of you adoring of pain. a.k.a. Brent. You want him to be gone. He's like an infection.

5) Your mother: Obviously, You want a comforting familiar presence. This is usually the mother. Or the version we wish existed.

6) Brent being there instead: You want him to repent for all he did and actually care. You want him to come to your rescue. And be a comfort because your heart hurts.

~ ~ ~

I think that was quite EPIC.

Save Me I'm Lost

I feel like I'm stuck in a giant black hole. Nothing I can do helps me to get out. I have nothing. I wish I could be little again, and not have to worry, but I do... I barely have the strength to get out of bed. And even then that sometimes doesn't happen. I miss being happy, and having a purpose. I miss just being. Damnit, what is wrong with me? Spiraling, spiraling, spiraling. Never happy always, haunted. You wonder if maybe there is some thing that will snap you out of this reverie. No. No. No. You stay living in the shadows.